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That’s what I feel like. I haven’t been here in a while. I’m not exactly sure where I’ve been. I’ve been busy. I don’t know whether I have been touring the sub continent or spending time in Joliet State Prison. Whatever the reason, I haven’t been here. But now, I’m back. Enjoy it while it lasts… Hey, while I was gone, I figured out how to keep this column fresh going forward. No, I’m not going to update it more frequently. That would be like work. But I did figure out how to get the date at the top of this column to always reflect today’s date. It’s a cool little Java applet. So, I got that going for me, you know, which is nice… I must thank most of you winos for your patience. Very few of you have actually prodded me to update this stupid page. Only the Bob-sey twins (WinoBob and BigBob) took the time to annoy me. I guess for most of you, the threat of seeing yourself Photoshopped into some embarrassing pose and posted on the internet is just too much of a deterrent. Only the Bobs felt it necessary to insinuate that I am not keeping up my end of the bargain. Damn the Bobs!!! I thought about Photoshopping them together in some kind of homo-erotic gastronomical orgy but the mental image made me nauseous. Even I have limits. For today’s update, I thought about doing some kind of social commentary. Maybe something on the role of wine in society as it pertains to vice and the decay of our moral fiber. (Because, you know, we are all about vice! And decay of moral fiber!) If you recall, back in the 50’s, there were three major accepted vices in the US: Wine, Women and Song (which, by the way, are three of my favorite vices today). In the 70’s, these vices were somehow renamed Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll. Today, the three staples of vice have morphed into “Friends With Benefits, Appletinis, and Hip Hop.” Personally, I don’t even understand today’s vices. WinoBob is my friend and (fortunately) there are no benefits. Appletini is just one of a huge variety of tinis. Tinis are simply a clever method that men invented to get women to consume mass quantities of vodka. I hardly see anything wrong with that. And, other than the Hip Hop / Gangsta Rap / Cristal connection, I’m not sure today’s vice has a lot to do with wine. And wine is why you stopped by to visit this stupid column, isn’t it? Besides, compared to today’s vices, wine is the thread that holds together our moral fiber. So then I thought maybe I would write a long-winded discourse on the impact of global warming vis a vis wine growing regions, climatic change and terroir. (I’m not really sure what vis a vis means but it just sounded so damn intellectual in that sentence!) First, Al Gore got us all riled up with his documentary, An Inconvenient Truth. Then I found out that Al spends like 10 million dollars a year heating and cooling his enormous estate. But that’s OK because he buys some kind of “green earth coupons”. That means that he donates money to some organization that plants trees in order to offset his huge carbon footprint. So, the moral of that story is that if you have enough cash, you can warm the earth all you want as long as you plant a few trees. If that were the case, WinoWally could afford to turn the global thermostat up to eleven. (That’s one warmer than ten!) So while I was pondering the whole global warming thing, thinking about what to write, I came to the realization that global warming doesn’t really affect me. (I have central air conditioning!) Speaking of WinoWally, did I mention that WW saved my life recently? Yeah, it’s true. A couple months ago, I did something that I swore that I would never do again. I agreed to spend 12 hours in a car, driving to Virginia so that my youngest daughter could play in "a big soccer tournament." Now, at this point in my parenting career, I have been to hundreds of “big soccer tournaments”, my daughter has played in thousands of games, and I have driven close to a light-year to keep everyone happy. (For you non-dweeb types, a light-year is a really long distance...) I swore I would never do it again. No mas. I'm done. Finito. I figured that I had driven to my last tournament. But somehow I got suckered into it again… So check this out… I had it all planned out. I was going to take the day off from my dweeb day job, pick up my aspiring Mia Hamm early from school, and get on the highway by 11:00 am. That would put me in Baltimore by 2:30 and on the south side of DC by 3:30. I could cruise into the hotel by 5, feeling relaxed and ready for a nice weekend with The Girl. But it wasn’t going to be that easy. No, it wasn’t going to be easy at all. The highway gods were angry on this day, my friends, and I was destined to be collateral damage… Things were moving along well. For a while. Despite the wet weather, we blew through Philly with nary a slow down. We got through the ugly 495/295/I-95 merge in Delaware without a hitch. Even the tolls were no match for our EZ Pass. (EZ Pass is possibly the most important invention in the history of travel soccer. More important even than the collapsible chair-in-a-bag. More important than the coach/trainer with a foreign accent! But I digress…) So, there I am, cruising down I-95, minding my own business, about 15 miles north of Baltimore, when what do I see but a big flashing sign that says something to the effect of “Accident past exit 67. All lanes closed. Use exit 77 or 74 to Highway 40 West. You Poor Bastards.” I noticed this sign just as I was passing exit 77. That meant that I, along with hundreds of thousands of other motorists (many of them were also crazed soccer parents) would have to exit the highway, in single file, at Exit 74. And, just at that moment, all lanes of traffic came to a complete stop. I thought about trying to back up to exit 77 but within a few milliseconds, there were tens of thousands of stopped cars behind me. This trip was going downhill fast… Two hours and 3 miles later, life on Highway 40 West was starting to take its toll on my nerves. I could feel that I was starting to crack. I knew I had a corkscrew somewhere in my luggage and I was thrashing about desperately to find it. No, I was not planning to open any one of the three nice bottles that I brought along for the tournament. No, I was searching for the corkscrew because it was the sharpest tool in my possession at the time and I needed to hurt someone. I didn’t know whether it would be me or some other frazzled motorist but someone had to die. Where was that damn corkscrew? (Don’t worry about my driving. We were moving along at a brisk 0.2 MPH at this point so rifling through my luggage while driving was the least of my problems.) After several more hours of this torture, I could no longer take it. I had to do something. I turned down a side street, blew through a few stop signs and got myself completely lost. At this point, I had nothing to lose so I thought, what the hell? I may as well call The Wife. Lucky for me, she answered on the first ring! I explained my unfortunate dilemma and asked her to Google Map the area and find me an escape route. She said that she would be happy to help if I would simply explain to her how to use Google Maps. WHERE IS THAT DAMN CORKSCREW??? Well, after what seemed like a few days, I managed to get back on the highway somewhere south of whatever caused the closure and I was on my way. As dusk began to fall, I made my way through Baltimore and suddenly realized that I would be hitting DC at rush hour… on a Friday. I started to shake. My blood pressure was well up into the 200’s. I didn’t think I could make it. Then, like an oasis in the desert, I saw the light. No, this was not the light at the end of the tunnel, this was… The Light… The Saving Light. The Beacon of Light… from the Palatial Wally Estate. I made the call and Wally was there. And my nightmare was about to end.
I called Wally and told him where I was. I told him about the accident. I told him about the traffic and the god damn missing corkscrew. I told him about my blood pressure. And Wally was there. He said, “WinoJohn, you’re only about 10 miles from the easternmost reaches of the Wally Estate. Go through the south gate and drive over to the heliport. From there, it’s only 15 minutes to the main house by helicopter!” I was saved! I didn’t care if we made it to the tournament. I was going to the Wally Estate. When I arrived at the main house, Wally had a nice ’97 Mondavi Cab waiting for me. And Wino Sharon was just putting out the boiled shrimp. (It doesn’t matter what time of day or night that you stop by the palatial Wally Estate, Sharon is always putting out some gourmet snacks…) This was pure heaven. I laughed at those other crazed motorists, still white-knuckled, inching along through DC, as I sipped a nice cab and scarfed down a few more shrimp. Ha ha ha, you poor bastards, I’m a guest at the Estate! Later that night, I departed the Estate and traveled down to Virginia long after the traffic had died down and without a care in the world. WinoWally did indeed save my life. He probably saved several other motorists from a hideous and painful death-by-corkscrew. Who knows? So anyway, if you ever find yourself in an imminent road-rage situation on I-95 thru Baltimore, simply look to the sky for the beacon. The Wally House for Wayward Winos in Baltimore, MD is there to help.
Hey, here’s something sort of wine-related… In the last few months, the French people gained some intelligence. The collective IQ of an entire nation went up by double digits. No, I’m not talking about those whacky CRAV dudes. They are just loony. I’m talking about the election of a new French president who is US friendly. What’s up with that??? French people sympathizing with the US? Sacre bleu!!! My theory is that France finally noticed two things going on around them: 1) They have a whole boatload of excess wine and wine-producing capacity in France, and 2) The US is rapidly becoming the largest wine consuming nation in the world. The French voters simply put one and one together and… well…, frankly, they surrendered. Maybe they realized that the remnants of the WinoStuff-led boycott of French wine continue to be economically devastating. While they don’t necessarily want to be nice to the US, they NEED to be nice to the US. So, let’s give this new guy, Sarkozy, a chance and see what he’s all about. If everything is positive, maybe we’ll start a WinoStuff campaign to embrace French wines this year? We’ll see… But that’s not why you stopped by this page. You don’t care about French politics or their latest surrender. You came here to get a glimpse into my tremendous insight into wine. Or you were hoping I’d post some pictures of Britney’s ‘bald spot’. Well, kids, this edition of What’s New! is completely Britney-free. (Ooops, there goes half the readership…) Instead, I’m going to ramble incoherently about another topic that is sure to interest you. Old age. No, not my old age (although I am feeling every bit of my fortysomething years.) No, not The Wife’s old age (although that tale would fill volumes and would probably get me John Bobbitt-ed in the middle of the night…). No, friends, in keeping with the supposed theme of this web site, I’m going to talk about old age as it pertains to wine. Specifically, as it pertains to the rapidly aging wine in my wine cellar. It’s not a good story. Over the past 15 years, I have collected a variety of wines in my cellar. OK, “variety” may be somewhat of an exaggeration. My cellar is 99 44/100% California Cabernet ranging from simple everyday wines like BV Rutherford and Mondavi Napa Valley to some more high end selections like Silver Oak, Stag’s Leap and BV Georges Latour. I had always planned to crack these treasures open at any number of future CabFests or while entertaining my wine-loving brothers and brother-in-law. These wines were sure to carry me through my golden years. But there is a problem. I’m still in my silver years, maybe even my bronze years, and my cellar is mature. It’s ready. In some cases, it’s past it’s peak. Damn! What am I gonna do??? Well, you know what I’m gonna do. I’m gonna do some serious cellar cleanin’. I’m gonna be drinking Cinq Cepages with Peanut Butter and Jelly. I’m gonna have Opus One on a Tuesday night with Mac and Cheese. Shit, I’m gonna put Cask 23 on my Cheerios. I am NOT going to let this wine go down without a fight!!! So far, this is what I have discovered. Most of the more affordable wines that are older than say 1996, are on the down hill slide. Stuff like Raymond Reserve, Mondavi Napa, BV Rutherford. In most cases, they are still drinkable but you better drink them now. Any of these wines older than about 1992 will have lost most of their fruit. So, if you got ‘em, smoke ‘em. The higher end stuff is holding up a bit better. I’ve cracked open some Hess Collection back to 1994 without much problem. Older than that and it’s hit or miss. The early-to-mid 90s Stag’s Leap Napa Valleys are holding up but are ready to drink. (I haven’t opened any older than 1992.) I need to open some of the FAY and SLV. (Maybe at the upcoming Cab/Pinot/BobFest at WinoBob’s?) The Jordans are holding up well, at least as far back as ’92. Groths older than 1994 are starting to slide. The 1993 Georges de Latour is starting to head south but is still a nice wine. All in all, it’s not a disaster. But the next few months should be interesting as I try to stay ahead of the curse of time. On the bright side, some of this wine is drinking brilliantly now. Whitehall Lane Reserve from the mid 90s is wonderful. 95 Mondavi Reserve, excellent. 94 Silver Oak, timeless. In fact, I would say that most of the 1997 Cali Cabs that are stashed away are ready. I know you have some ‘97s stashed away… So here’s my new rule. 10 years for Cali Cab. Maybe 12 for the high end stuff. No more. Some of these wines may do well beyond that time frame but I’m not taking any chances. I’m going to start paying attention, people. These wines peak at a certain age and I want to be there when they do. I would suggest that you do likewise. That’s it. That’s the message that you waited 9 months for. (Maybe longer if my Java applet is working!) Drink your mid-90s Cali cabs now. Period. Don’t wait. If you can’t get to them soon, you’d better send them to me. It’s only right. Send them to:
So, if for some strange reason my Java applet doesn’t keep this page updated and you feel that I am once again missing in action, don’t send me annoying little hints to update this site. I am probably just down in my cellar visiting some “old” friends. I’ll be back. Until then, relax, enjoy, and drink your 10+ year old California Cabs. Before it’s too late. WinoJohn (July 4, 2007) September 14, 2006 What's New, you ask? Here's something new... YouTube.com. (Actually, YouTube isn't all that new. It's been around for like a year and a half. If it's new to you, then you've bee living under a rock or in some dank, dark third-floor office...) If you're not familiar with YouTube, it's a site where people can upload video clips for easy viewing by the rest of the world. It can be pretty random. I somehow stumbled onto this site and quickly realized that WinoBob is not the wackiest creature on the planet. There are some real loonies out there and many of them post videos on YouTube. As a dweeb, I have a major problem with YouTube. It used to be that you had to be a techno-geek to post stuff on the internet. Now, any drunken idiot with a movie camera and a PC can post stuff. "Who are all these people posting videos on the internet?", you ask. As far as I can tell, it's mostly teenage girls posting clips of themselves dancing around in their bedrooms. (Which probably explains the immense popularity of YouTube!) Hold on one second... (HEY, HON, GO UPSTAIRS AND CHECK ON THE GIRLS!) Sorry. I'm back. In addition to the teenage girls, there are dudes posting guitar licks, there's a bunch of clips from the TV show Big Brother, and more. Lots more. Some of it is total randomness. There are chick fights, sports highlights, comedy sketches, cartoons, anime, etc. But mostly it's teenage girls dancing in their bedrooms. At least that's what I could determine from my "brief" visits to the site... I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "OK. WinoJohn, we get it. You haven't updated this stupid site in 4 months because you have been voyeuristically watching teenage girls dancing around in their bedrooms. Dude, get a life. You're starting to act like WinoBob. Get a grip!" I know, I've heard it all before. But it's not what it looks like. I was just doing some research for this stupid site. Really! It's friggin' research! Do you think I enjoy ogling lithe, sinewy young bodies, gyrating rhythmically, sweating, often scantily clad... to some primordial jungle beat... Huh? Well, actually, I uhhhh... IT'S STILL RESEARCH, DAMN IT!!! Geez, give me a break! For example, if you go to YouTube.com and search on the word "wine", look what you get:
Strangely, you also get teenage girls dancing around in their bedrooms... ??? (Damn, some of these girls' fathers should just install a pole in the house now. You know it's inevitable...) Perhaps the most disturbing clip on all of YouTube is this one depicting an obviously inebriated individual attempting to saber a champagne bottle while dressed in a batter's helmet, goggles, welder's gloves and a catcher's chest protector. Our children should be protected from this kind of blatant alcohol abuse... Check it out: Now that's just uncalled for. So what is it that prompts otherwise normal people to videotape themselves doing whatever and post it on the internet? And what is it about teenage girls that makes them dance around in their bedrooms and call it "wine"? The answer to these and other probing questions is the reason why you visit WinoStuff.com. So stop criticizing me and listen up. I don't have time to repeat this. Here we go: Question: Why do seemingly normal people post
videos on the internet? Question: Why do teenage girls dance
around in their bedrooms and call it "wine"? Hold on one more second... (HON! I HEAR MUSIC PLAYING UPSTAIRS!! GO SEE WHAT THE GIRLS ARE UP TO!!!) Sorry again. I'm a father of two teenage girls and I gotta keep tabs on them. If I should somehow stumble upon one of my little princesses shaking her booty on YouTube, my head would explode. So anyway, all this leads to one more important question. Important Question: What the hell is "dutty" wine? OK, so now we know You Tube. So What? Good question. Let's beat this wine-video-on-the-internet dead horse some more. Guess what happens if you search for "wine" on the Yahoo video clips site? Do you know what you get? Nothing exciting really. You get a few video clips of random individuals talking about wine. You get a few clips of music videos that have the word "wine" in the title. It's really pretty boring. There's nothing even worth linking to from this lame site so you know it's pretty boring. (Unless you turn off the parental controls and search on the words "girl hiding wine bottle". Then you get... ummm... something quite disturbing. But why would anyone search on those words, BOB???!!!) Google now has a beta version of their video sharing site. It resembles YouTube in some respects but it doesn't seem to have the same whacko factor. I'm sure that we (you) just need to give them time. Coincidentally, our hero and Honorary Wino, Limey Dork Hugh Johnson, has a clip or two on the Google site. You sure won't want to miss those videos! Here, check this one out... http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2508611783554925701&q=wine&hl=en ZZZZzzzzzzzz....... Huh? What? Oh, I'm sorry. The Dorkmeister was speaking. I don't have a clue what he was talking about. Oh well, you judge for yourself... (yawn...) OK, what else? While we're on the subject of useless wine-related information, check this out: The largest wine cellar in the world (not counting the palatial WinoWally uber-cellar) is located in Paarl, South Africa. It has an area of 54 acres and can hold 27 million gallons of wine. It is owned by some wine co-operative, the Ko-operatieve Wijnbouwers Vereniging (KWV). Imagine how many teenage girls could dance in that place! Sorry, I'm a little off track. OK, back to one last bit of real wine stuff... After my last rant on the rip-off that is Las Vegas, I have to give props to one place that I visited in Sin City that served up some good food and wine at a reasonable price. Yes, the place was called Il Fornaio and it was in the New York, New York Hotel and Casino. Check it out the next time you are in Vegas. In fact, it's a chain of restaurants so you can check it out next time you are... well... pretty much anywhere. Tell 'em WinoJohn sent you... Until next time, relax, enjoy, keep an eye on your teenage daughters, and drink more wine! April 23, 2006 I did it! They said it couldn’t be done! They laughed at me back at the University, but I did it! That will teach them. Now, see, now I have a real claim to fame. What did I do? Just this… I outlasted WinoWally in the race to see who could shirk all responsibility and go the longest between WinoStuff updates. I think I now hold the record and I have proven that I have the intestinal fortitude to go the last mile, to give 110%, to do whatever it takes to reach a goal. Thank you, thank you… So, what have I been up to? In reality, who cares what I’ve been up to? Oh, wait… There seems to be a whole bunch of people with less of a life than me and who want to know what I’ve been up to. Well, maybe they don’t really care what I’ve been up to but, for some unknown reason, they feel compelled to send me email. I have had email from angry Frogs, cursing me for the now-defunct boycott of France. (They are really pretty funny…) I have had angry wine critics email me to complain (in the most polite and articulate manner) that I am an idiot for siding with Robert Parker (The Second Most Influential Wine Critic Named Bob) over Limey Dork Hugh Johnson. I’ve had random kids send me random pictures in the random hope that I’ll post them on the Random Stuff page. I’ve gotten loads of emails from winery owners/operators/ managers (or their marketing agents) requesting that we provide a link to their website from the world’s most important website. (Eventually, I get around to posting links to these wineries. I’m happy to help anyone who is trying to eek out a living by making wine. When will they realize, however, that a gift of wine might move the process along a little more quickly??) OK, to satisfy the masses and those who have a need to know, I have been to Vegas three times in three months. I’m going back again tomorrow, too. Vegas is a fun town but I’m actually getting tired of it. Overpriced restaurants, overpriced wine, overpriced hotels, etc. Rumor has it that the women are overpriced, too, but I have no first hand knowledge of such things. And my wife reads this stupid page… One of the worst experiences from one of my recent Vegas jaunts was at the Nobhill restaurant in the MGM Grand Hotel and Casino. This place is purported to be an upscale steak house in the tradition of the great San Francisco steak houses. In reality, the food was just OK, the service was just adequate and the obscenely-overpriced wine sucked. Hosting a dinner for 10 of my fellow techno-dweebs, including Wino Eric Shiroke of Santa Clara CA and WinoRandy, I ordered a 1997 Mayacamas Cabernet Sauvignon to accompany all the red meat. When the wine arrived, I tasted it and it wasn’t corked nor was it cooked but it wasn't exactly good. I accepted it with the hope that it would “open up” after a few minutes. An hour later, there was still nothing to it. Nothing. Zilch. Nada. Goose. No fruit, no complexity, no nuthin’. Now, I have had Mayacamas many times from many different vintages and they have always been big, well-structured cabs with a healthy dose of mountain fruit. I fully expected a ’97 Mayacamas to be one of the best. But NOOOoooo… I’m thinking of filing suit against the hotel, the restaurant, the 17 year-old wine steward, the city of Las Vegas, the Mayacamas winery, and the State of California. All of these groups played a part in my dismal wine-dinner experience. (If I can’t make any money on this website, I’m going to sue my way to riches. Read on...) Even if I don’t sue the whole lot of them, I’m certainly going to write a letter. That’ll teach ‘em!!! (Yeah, just like the idiots that send me emails "teach" me…) So now that I got that off my chest, let’s get on to business… Let’s talk about the real reason for my extended cyber absence. The truth of the matter is that I have made no postings because I’ve been working on the lawsuit involving my manuscript. What? You didn’t know that I have a manuscript? Sure. I started writing it back in the 80s when I was just a novice wino-journalist-techno dweeb. I have remained quiet over the past few months under the direction of my legal counsel, waiting for the outcome of the Michael Baigent and Richard Leigh lawsuit against Random House over the whole Da Vinci Code issue. (Baigent and Leigh sued Random House claiming that their book, Holy Blood Holy Grail, was plagiarized by Dan Brown in his book, The Da Vinci Code.) The truth of the matter is that The Da Vinci Code plot was actually my idea and is the basis for my manuscript. My lawsuit will be filed as soon as the Da Vinci Code movie comes out so that I can maximize my claim for damages. I’m thinking $500 trillion dollars should do it. Damn! Then I could give up my dweeb day job, buy the wine.com domain name, get on the Screaming Eagle mailing list, etc. All the things I always wanted will be within my reach… A new 12 cylinder Ferrari…, a new PC to host WinoStuff.com (The World’s Most Important Web Site!). Even with $500 trillion, I won’t be in WinoWally’s socioeconomic strata but it’s a start… So, I know what you’re thinking… You’re thinking, “WinoJohn, YOU thought up the Da Vinci Code? Yeah, right. You’ve been hitting the breakfast sauce again, haven’t you?” Well, my friends, I have been hitting the breakfast sauce AND I did think up a plot that was so similar to The Da Vinci Code that Dan Brown had to have stolen it from me. Here’s a quick look at my manuscript. (If you haven’t read The Da Vinci Code, you won’t understand the sheer brilliance of the following piece. Read on at your own risk…)
The DaVino Code
That’s it. See any similarities to the book by the plagiarist, Dan Brown? I rest my case… Damn, I can’t wait until that $500 tril gets here. I have a lot of things that need to get done around here. And, my wino friends, trillionaires have people to do those things. Maybe I can hire someone to update this dopey column... Until next time, relax, enjoy the movie, and drink more wine! October 30, 2005 It's late at night, 3:30 am Eastern Standard Time, and I'm wide awake. The house is quiet and the rest of my family is asleep. In fact, the entire east coast is asleep and yet I sit here at this stupid computer, typing away. What's wrong with me? Oh yeah, I got back from China 3 days ago and my body is still on China time. In fact, in China, it's the middle of the afternoon... (Hmmm..., I guess I can start drinking soon... That's cool!) Don't expect a big update on the wine scene in China. As I reported last time, China is devoid of wine. Oh, they have some juice bottled up to look like wine. They even call it wine, but it's not. I don't know what it is but it's not wine. Great Wall and Dynasty are two brands of red juice that portray themselves to be wine but, after careful analysis, I believe that they are just slightly-fortified Kool Aid®. I went into a wine store in Beijing and there were only three wines on the shelf: Great Wall, Dynasty and a 'Bordeaux' knock-off. In fact, this 'Bordeaux' wine was in a bottle that looked suspiciously similar to the Great Wall bottle... And "Bordeaux" was spelled wrong... I'm guessing that Bordoaux is some vineyard outside of Beijing where they make Chateau Latore, Chateau Lafeet, and Petris. Just a guess... Critics would argue, "So what if China is devoid of wine? You learn to make do." That may be true. They have like 700 million varieties of tea and the beer is not half bad. And, as we all know, the cuisine of China is... well... "unique". Check out the following summary of my various culinary experiences. Is it any wonder that I sit awake at night? Beijing is famous for duck, "Peking Duck" specifically, although they call it "Beijing Duck". If you visit Beijing, the place to get duck is the Qianmen Quanjude Roast Duck Restaurant. It's world famous. On the street outside the restaurant, they have pictures of all the famous celebrities and world leaders who have eaten in the establishment. Richard Nixon, Henry Kissinger, and a variety of movie stars all enjoyed some tasty duck in the Qianmen Quanjude Roast Duck Restaurant. I was looking forward to dining in this historic establishment although reports of the Asian Bird Flu pandemic loomed prominently in my mind. (I can't tell you how bad it would be if I was the one to bring the pandemic back to the US. That would suck.) My Chinese host and I tried to get a table at the Qianmen Quanjude on a Sunday night without a reservation and they wouldn't even take our names. The wait was expected to be three or more hours. No problem. We made reservations for Monday and returned the next evening. Now, if you have never had Beijing Duck, it's truly a memorable experience. First, the duck is specially prepared by sealing off all of it's orifices and inflating the carcass. I'm not kidding. They inflate the duck. The duck actually resembles a long, naked, greasy balloon as it goes into the giant oven, hanging by it's neck. Very appetizing... All of this preparation is going on behind the scenes while you enjoy some "appetizers" at your table. It is crucial to the entire dining experience that you don't ask what the appetizers are. Trust me, you don't want to know... When the duck comes out of the oven, it's a beautiful golden color. They ceremoniously bring the duck to your table where the "knife man" proceeds to slice the duck for you. First, he slices off a nice plate full of skin. Mmmmm... Then he slices off some meat. (Thank God. Something I can eat...) Then, in one last act of culinary high sanctimony, the knife man whacks off the bird's head, splits it down the middle, and presents it to the diners on a special plate. (At that point, I was ready to "give back" the appetizers, if you know what I mean...) Apparently, the brain and especially the tongue, are delicacies that the typical Chinese diner will eagerly scarf down. Now, to actually eat the duck, you pick up the pieces that you want (Meat, skin, brain, whatever...) and you roll them up in a flour tortilla with some lettuce, celery or other bits of edible flora. It's actually pretty good (as long as you don't get much brain.) It's kind of like Chinese fajitas. Throw in some chips and salsa and you've got yourself a real Chexican feast! As I sat there, gnawing down duck tacos, I imagined that a nice white Burgundy would be the perfect complement to this cuisine. Unfortunately, I may never know. The Qianmen Quanjude Roast Duck Restaurant keeps track of the number of ducks that they have served since 1864. My duck was number 115,141,703. I think they barcode the ducks when they are very young and then just scan the inflated carcass before delivering it to your table. Those Chinese... What will they think of next? If you go to Beijing, you really have to experience it. Next on the culinary hit parade is the ever-popular Hot Pot meal. In my case, we went to the world famous something something something Muslim something restaurant. (The name of the restaurant was in Chinese but the word "Muslim" was in English.) At this particular hot pot restaurant, lamb was the specialty of the house. If you have never enjoyed hot pot, this is how it works. They set a big pot of boiling water on the table in front of you. There are charcoals burning in an inner bowl to keep the water hot. Every table in the entire restaurant has one of these little burning infernos right there in front of the guests. No consideration is given to the massive amount of carbon monoxide which is emanating from each pot and filling the room with poisonous gas. It's all part of the experience. Once the pot is at full boil and you are beginning to feel woozy from the fumes, the waitress brings out a plate of thinly sliced pieces of what are purported to be lamb. It could have been lamb… It could have been dog or goat or just about any other mammal. Who knows? It was RAW! You pick up a piece of this raw meat with some specially lubricated chopsticks and you drop the meat into the boiling water. After a few seconds, you try to retrieve the now-cooked meat with the greasy chopsticks while simultaneously trying not to spill boiling water all over yourself or your business partner. Every once in a while, the waitress brings more stuff to the table which you are expected to pick up with the greasy chopsticks and toss into the cauldron of boiling meat-soup. A successful meal is one in which you manage to ingest sufficient quantities of cooked meat while avoiding a trip to the burn center. One word of advice, eating partially cooked lamb can quickly result in a little Montezuma's Revenge, if you know what I mean... Now if these dining experiences are not enough to pique your culinary curiosity, you'll certainly want to stroll through the Donghuamen Night Market. This market is like a street fair with dozens of vendors lining one side of the road with food booths. The theme seems to be the same in all the booths: barbequed anything on a stick. If you can poke a stick through it, they will barbeque it in the hope that some unsuspecting tourist will eat it. The list of possible kabobs includes snake, scorpion, grasshopper, cricket, beetle, snake skin, frog, various internal organs, squid, sparrow, quail, lamb, starfish, sea horse and more.
While the food was... uhhhh... "interesting", it was not the highlight of my most recent trip to China. There are two other things that you really must experience on your next trip to China. The second most interesting site is The Great Wall of China. This thing is just awesome. This wall is like 3000 years old, stretches like 4000 miles and was built by hand. OK, lots and lots of hands but they didn't have any front-end loaders or diesel-powered cranes or other heavy equipment. Just boatloads of little Chinese hands. It's amazing. Oh, I forgot to mention. While I was there, I closed the marketing deal of the millennium. Get this, while in China, I successfully negotiated the naming rights to the Great Wall! That's right, from this day forward, the wall formerly known as The Great Wall of China is now officially named The WinoStuff Great Wall of China®!!! From now on, all references to the Great Wall must include the WinoStuff name. It's a law. You don't want to break a Chinese law! They're communists, damn it!!! As you can imagine, this deal cost us an enormous sum of money. I can't disclose the actual amount that we paid but suffice it to say that it is greater than the Gross National Product of most Asian countries. We paid more than Exxon-Mobil grosses in a year. We paid more than the market cap of Walmart, Microsoft and Cisco combined! Fortunately, WinoWally had enough in his checking account to cover the tab...
OK, so I saw the Great Wall. I saw the Forbidden City. So what? (Get this... There is a Starbucks inside the Forbidden City. I'm sorry but that is just wrong. The Forbidden City is a 600 year old palace complex which has been turned into a national archive/museum. It is rich in history and culture and tourists from around the world visit the Forbidden City to see how the emperors from the Ming and Qing dynasties lived. Now, there's a Starbucks inside. I was appalled. Not so appalled that I couldn't enjoy a Forbidden Latte, but appalled nonetheless...) I saw all the typical tourist sites and I ate at the famous restaurants. But these were not the highlights of my visit. No, winos, the highlight of my trip to this ancient country was right there in my hotel. You can imagine my sheer delight when I walked into the bathroom of my hotel room and saw the... commode. Yes, that's right, the crapper. Now, this was no ordinary toilet, people. No, this porcelain bowl was equipped with some kind of high-tech, NASA-designed, electronically-controlled TOILET SEAT!!! Yes, that's right, a toilet seat with wires and hoses and an electronic control panel.!!! This thing was friggin' INCREDIBLE!!! The controls were all in Chinese so I couldn't tell exactly what the thing is called. I'm assuming that the Chinese gave it a catchy name, something unique like... Crap-o-Matic 2000® or BungBuddy XLR8®. I'm going with Crap-o-Matic.
Yes, the Crap-o-Matic 2000® is the latest in defecation technology. The Crap-o-Matic 2000®. Tired after a long day touring the WinoStuff Great Wall of China? Now you can return to your hotel room and relax in the comfort of your bathroom. Busy executives will appreciate all the benefits of a tastefully appointed restroom complete with a telephone, high speed internet connection and a Crap-o-Matic 2000®. Just look what this new innovation has to offer...
WARNING: The Crap-o-Matic 2000® has braided steel hoses such as those found under the hood of NASCAR race cars. This indicates to me that this thing is capable of operating at high temperatures and pressures, two conditions I try to keep away from my tender nether regions.
OK, enough of this inane Chino-babble. This is a wine site, damn it! I should be discussing wine!!! Unfortunately, as I mentioned before, China is completely devoid of wine. (This is not completely accurate. I had the opportunity to pay $75 for a $15 bottle of Chianti at the CJW restaurant in Shanghai but my Chinese hosts were looking at me like, “Is this crazy American really going to spend $75 on one bottle of wine? That could feed an entire family for a year! What’s he going to do???...” I couldn't do it.) While there was no wine in China, there was wine on the airplane! After surviving 10 days without any vino, I settled into my seat on the plane for the return flight home, anxiously awaiting takeoff and the refreshment service that would soon follow. I was starting to shake in anticipation. Ten minutes into the flight, a cute little Asian flight attendant knelt down next to my seat and, in her best English, said, "My name is Happily. If there is anything I can do for you, please just ask..." OK, wine wasn't the only thing I had not had in 10 days and now... well... you can imagine what was racing through my mind... I managed to stutter out something like, "Hi Happily. Could you happily go up there and pop open three bottles of Cabernet? That would make me very happily." I knew this was going to be a long flight... Like a crackhead who finally gets out of the slammer and back on the street in search of his next fix, Crackhead WinoJohn was on the loose. The airline had a decent selection of wines (for an airline) and I decided to jump right in. All the way in... The wines on the flight included… (Hey, it was a 16 hour flight!)
7 glasses of wine in 16 hours. Not so bad. (Well, actually, it may have been a tad more than 7 glasses. Happily was just too happy to provide free refills...) On a final note, it should be pointed out that I went wineless for 10 days while working my fingers to the bone in performance of my dweeb day job. At the same time, my pals and business associates, Wino Eric Shiroke of Santa Clara CA and WinoRandy, went to Bordeaux for a "business meeting". What’s wrong with this picture? We're in the same friggin' business!!! I'm eating tongue and brain while they are sipping First Growths and eating gourmet cheeses. This is just so wrong. I’m sure they enjoyed copious quantities of good frog wine while I had copious quantities of green tea. Damn, I gotta get a new job... My Feng-shui is in great shape but my liver is atrophying. I'm totally in touch with my inner zen but my outer wino is suffering. (Then again, my buttocks area has never felt more clean and refreshed. Thanks, Crap-o-Matic!) That's it for now. Until next time, relax, enjoy, keep your fingers off the red button, and drink more wine!
July 30, 2005 The
following update has been modified from its original version.
It has been edited for content and formatted to fit in the allotted time. Wow.
It’s been awhile. What
have you winos been up to? If
our web logs and my email are any indication, you’ve been stopping by this
inane page looking for something new. Some
of you have actually been disappointed to find that the last update was
months ago. (You people need to
get a life!) Unfortunately, I
can’t reveal my actual whereabouts for the last three months.
Top secret, company-confidential, need-to-know-only kind of stuff.
However, recognizing that some of you lifeless wine-consumers won’t
be able to sleep until you get some kind of closure with regard to my
extended absence, WinoStuff presents “You Make The Call!”
That’s right, I have prepared a list of possible explanations for
my recent cyber-disappearance. You,
the news-savvy wino, can take your pick and believe whatever makes you feel
good. You make the call! These are
just some of the possible reasons for my recent hiatus:
If one of
these excuses floats your boat, go with it.
Otherwise, you can always use my favorite fallback, “It’s The
Wife’s fault”. Whatever
works for you… First, let
me get a little general housekeeping out of the way.
Some of you “What’s New update prodders” have turned into
outright badgerers.
This is totally unacceptable. You
guys know who you are… If you
don’t know who you are, let me remind you.
You know
what happens when you badger me. I
didn’t want to do this. I had
to…
That should
be enough warning to the Bobs. You
don’t want to suffer this same indignation!!!
‘Nuff said. OK, back to
business… Depending on which of the above excuses you may have chosen to believe, I may or may not have several things to report. This may all be hypothetical so pay attention. Some of these factoids may not fit in with your "You Make The Call" conclusion, so feel free to ignore this section... I might have visited Las Vegas a few months ago and I may have had the pleasure of dining at a restaurant called Aureole in the Mandalay Bay Resort and Casino. This restaurant features modern American cuisine, a killer wine list (which is accessed via a cool, high tech, wireless digital device) and WINE ANGELS. That's right, Wine Angels. Wine Angels are these hot female wine stewards that strap themselves into a harness and get hoisted up and down the 4-story temperature-controlled wine tower, retrieving the patrons' wine selections. Very over-the-top. Some might even call this erotic. Wine, women, harnesses... uhhh... never mind. Unfortunately, these Wine Angels must get paid Wallyesque sums because the wine is way, way expensive. My first car cost less than our evening's wine bill. My monthly mortgage is less than the evening's wine bill. WinoBob's weekly wine tab is less than the... No, that's not right. Sorry. I got carried away. There is an outside chance that I might have spent a few weeks in China since my last update. I was nearly killed by excessive ingestion of Chinese food. Two weeks of eating nothing but beak and tongue and foot of a variety of different beasts left me dazed and confused. Thank God for McDonalds. Just when I was feeling faint and my gastrointestinal system was about to shut down, voila! A couple of McBurgers and I was a new man. The Chinese wine scene leaves much to be desired. I had a couple decent bottles while I was there but they were all imports. I brought back a bottle of Great Wall Cabernet Sauvignon which is purported to be the best selling wine in China. The best thing I can say about this wine is that it's red. No fruit, no structure, no complexity, no nothin'. Just red. I tasted it side by side with a Two Buck Chuck Merlot and the Two Buck Chuck was clearly the winner. You can strike the Great Wall from your "Must Taste" list. There are rumors circulating that I vacationed in Aruba last month. I can neither confirm nor deny these rumors. However, had I visited Aruba, I certainly would have dined at The Flying Fishbone Restaurant. Tables on the beach (some actually in the water), romantic setting, excellent food and a decent wine list all made for a wonderful evening. I also dined at an Argentinean grill (the name escapes me) where I was informed that 2001 Stag's Leap Napa Valley Syrah is exactly the same thing as 2001 Stags' Leap Napa Valley Petite Sirah. Exactly the same! When I disagreed with the waiter over this subtle point, he called the wine steward over who politely informed me that I was an idiot (not in so many words...) and that yes, the bottle of 2001 Stag's Leap Napa Valley Syrah that they brought to my table is exactly the same thing as the 2001 Stags' Leap Napa Valley Petite Sirah that appeared on the wine list. No difference! You can imagine my embarrassment... (Actually, you can imagine my family's embarrassment when I informed them that I am, indeed, WinoJohn of WinoStuff.com fame and that I was pretty sure that I knew more about Napa Valley wines than all the waiters, waitresses and wine stewards in their godforsaken restaurant put together!) Other than that one Argentinean wine debacle, Aruba is a fabulous place. The people are friendly, the service is excellent and the beach is awesome. I would definitely go back again (if I had been there to begin with...) But all that hypothetical, "what have I been up to for the last three months" nonsense is not important. It's not the reason why you stop by this site. (Most people actually come to this site by accident. In fact, a significant number of our visitors are, in fact, searching Google for "Juliet Huddy naked" and for some reason, they are directed here. Perhaps the Google spider picks up the words Juliet Huddy naked and assumes that we actually have pictures of Juliet Huddy naked. Which we don't. But the spiders don't know that. They just detect the words "Juliet Huddy naked" and start sending people here. If you fall into that category, you can leave now because we don't have any pictures of Juliet Huddy naked.) (Note to WinoBob: Wait until you see next month's web traffic report!) So anyway,
in this
episode of What’s New!, we'll examine the complex interrelationship between
two subjects which are near and dear to my heart, wine and women.
Throw in rock-and-roll and chocolate and you have the WinoJohn Grand
Slam. Add to that some golf, beach and gourmet food and you have
WinoWally’s life. (On a slow
day.) Damn that WinoWally! Anyway, we’re here to talk about wine and women. And I’m not just talking about our bikini-clad WinoBabes. (Although, you have to admit, some of these serious female wine professionals never looked better!) I'm not talking about Wine Angels. I'm not even talking about Juliet Huddy naked. I'm talking about the women who make wine. And the women who drink wine. And the wine that women drink. And did I mention the WinoBabes? Ooops. Sorry. Where do we begin to explore the complex symbiosis between wine and women? There are countless websites dedicated to wine, albeit none quite as… uhhhh… “colorful” as WinoStuff.com. There are also countless websites dedicated to women, some of them featuring women with their clothes on! There are even websites that are dedicated to wine and women but if I provide a link to those sites, you won’t hang around this lame site and click our Google ads. And we can't allow that. So, sit back, relax and enjoy the ultimate exposé on wine and women. In order to appear as if we have some semblance of journalistic integrity for this piece, I had hoped to actually interview the women of wine. All of them. However, as I started churning out this update, I realized that there are a lot of women in the wine world. Unfortunately, I was only able to interview… uhhh, let’s see… well, I didn’t actually get to interview any women on this subject. I’ve been pretty busy. (Hey! Remember, the midgets? The abduction? Gimme a break!) So, I have had to scale back the scope of this definitive exposé just a bit. In order to get something out in a “timely” fashion, I’ve been forced to focus just on the wine itself. So, I’ll call this piece “Chick Wine”. (I know I’ll pay far that…) Consider this to be Part One of The Ultimate Exposé on Wine and Women…
The
Definitive Guide to Chick Wine So, check this out… According to published reports, women buy more than 80% of all wine sold in the US. Did you hear that? 80% !!! I know that’s hard to believe given that WinoBob consumes 80% of all the wine sold in the US but that’s what published reports say. I don’t make this stuff up. OK, I make some of this stuff up, but not this time. Apparently, women do buy more than 80% of all wine sold in the US. Fortunately, these wine-buying women share some of the wine with us wine-consuming men. Statistics indicate that women only consume like 60% of all wine sold in the US. So we have that going for us, which is nice… What do
these statistics mean to us? Well,
it could mean that one of several disturbing dynamics is taking place:
It could be that any or all of these possible scenarios are playing out but I’m guessing that #5 is the predominant force behind the statistics. So you had to figure that it would only be a matter of time before alert winemakers started tailoring their wine to meet the tastes of women. Well, my friends, that time has come. And, no, I’m not talking about Pinot Noir or Merlot. I’m not even talking about White Zin… (I'm certainly not talking about Juliet Huddy naked...) If you read the wine news (and I know you do, otherwise why would you be reading this lame diatribe?), several winemakers have recently announced their version of the next big thing on the wine scene: Chick Wine. In this case, Chick Wine is defined as wine that is made and marketed to meet the specific needs and wants of women. However, the target audience may be the only thing these wines have in common. On the one hand, mega wine producer, Beringer Blass Wine Estates, recently announced the launch of a new white wine called White Lie Early Season Chardonnay. This wine is reported to be a “low-calorie, low-alcohol white wine” and will be targeted directly at “the American female wine drinker.” In fact, this wine was developed by an all-female team of American female wine-drinking female women. That’s pretty feminine! The Beringer Blass team claims that “the wine is a reward for hard-working women who worry about their appearance," citing 80% of women as dissatisfied with their appearance and 45% on a diet at any given day.” It sounds to me like Beringer just called the average American female wine drinker “overweight”, “tired” and “dumpy”… I could be wrong but that might not sell well… According to their press release, Beringer’s winemaker, Jane Robichaud, who is herself an American female wine-drinking woman, harvested the grapes earlier than usual in order to lower calorie, sugar and alcohol content in the final wine. This sounds to me like she picked grapes that were not quite ripe. That should make for an “interesting” wine… At the other end of the Chick Wine style spectrum, Napa Valley’s family-owned Obrien Cellars has released their version of chick wine, a Bordeaux-style blend called Seduction. Owner Bart O’Brien decided to make Seduction after talking with his wife and many of her female friends and acquaintances. According to Obrien, “Today’s female wine consumer is a well-educated (hot), middle-to-high income earning (hot), independent (hot) woman. She is not interested in wine scores or in the technical details of grape sourcing, winemaking or collecting. She wants a wine that is high-quality, beautifully packaged and pairs well with foods.” (I’m sure that Bart also realizes that today’s male wine consumer, on the other hand, is mostly interested in the hot female wine consumer.) But I digress… In the middle are a host of newcomers with trendy names like Mad Housewife or Rosé the Riveter. Who knows what message they are trying to convey? I’m afraid to ask. To be honest, I haven’t tasted the Beringer offering yet. I’m still trying to get up the nerve to ask for it at the Bottle King. (What self-respecting wino is going to go into his favorite wine shop and buy a bottle of diet Chardonnay?) On the other hand, I could easily see myself buying a bottle of a Napa Bordeaux-style blend. I do it all the time. However, I didn’t have to go searching for the Seduction. The Obriens had the incredible foresight to send me a bottle! During one of our very important WinoStuff business dinners, I had the distinct pleasure of opening a bottle of the 2002 Seduction. As I tasted it, I tried to imagine what The Wife would think. (She’s “not invited” to these very important tasting functions or, as she puts it, “I’m not going out with you and your drunken idiot friends…”) I found the Seduction to be a nice soft red wine with lots of up-front cherry and vanilla flavors and no tannin. None. Zero. Zilch. It was 100% tannin-free. Or maybe my tannin detectors are just too calloused from drinking big Cali Cabs. I don’t know. But what I do know is this, The Wife doesn’t like tannin and she does like fruit. I think the Seduction will be a hit. At the very least, it should get her off the chardonnay. Speaking of The Wife (and I have already said way too much in this edition), she enjoys a good white Burgundy. She enjoys a well-made Cab. For budgetary reasons, she buys inexpensive California chards. So, she must have some kind of wine appreciation. Why then, if we are out at a party, will she drink white zin? What's up with that??? It’s embarrassing! She doesn’t realize it but this is a direct reflection on me. And it is all about me! We need to have a talk… So here are a few questions that, if I had more time, I could have explored. What do famous female winemaker women like Ann Colgin, Heidi Barrett and Delia Viader have to say? What do they look for in a good wine? What wines do they drink? Why won’t they return my calls? These are all important questions that need to be answered in any definitive essay on chick wine and I won’t rest until we get some answers! So, until next time, relax, enjoy some chick wine with your favorite chick, and drink more wine! April 2, 2005 I did it! I managed to go two whole months without an update! Whew! That was tough. Despite all the whining and complaining from people that I don't know, I managed to keep my thoughts to myself during the very important February/March mental health / mental relaxation time period. Other than the occasional Breaking News! article (which I can pretty successfully plagiarize from real news sources), I haven't really done squat. It's been great! Even BigBob hasn't bothered me. However, one of my friends has felt the need to remind me that I haven't done squat. That's right, there is one wine-loving techno-dweeb that just couldn't let it go. One of my dweeb day job co-workers is apparently a What's New! junkie and he just had to sling little reminder barbs my way! This guy (to protect his anonymity, I'll just call him Wino Eric Shiroke of Santa Clara, CA) and I have a great deal in common. We both hail from Pennsylvania, we're both dweebs (although I'm much dweebier than he) and we both enjoy big reds. WinoEric and I have traded stories of the pick, the crush, and the mutant grape bees. We've dined together and shared a few bottles together. You'd think the guy would cut me some slack. Then, out of the blue, he sends me a scathing email that looks something like this:
Can you believe this guy? What did I do to deserve this kind of malicious verbal attack? Geez, you think you know a guy... Yes, winos, you know what happens when somebody prods me during a mental health hiatus. That's right, he/she invokes the Wrath of Photoshop! Let this be a warning to all you potential prodders. I'm a dweeb with a twisted imagination and hair-trigger on Photoshop. I'm sorry to have to do this, but...
I'm going to be spending some time with WinoEric at an upcoming dweebfest in Las Vegas. I'm sure that we'll be able to work this out... OK, now that I got that out of my system, let's see what's new... WinoBob was arrested again for being Drunk and Disorderly after our dinner with Christian González of Torres. Nothing new there. Hmmm.... What else? Oh yeah, I almost forgot! WinoWally was abducted by aliens! He hasn't written anything for this lame site for like three years, he must have been abducted. He denies it but that's the first sign of having been abducted. The aliens force you to deny it or else they will abduct you again. Wally also claims no memory of the abduction. Duhhh!!! They give you the rectal probe / memory eraser just before they let you go!! Nobody ever remembers it! All the signs are pointing to a classic abduction. Besides, we have pictures...
Wally, I think the only way for you to recover your memory of the abduction is for me to come down to Baltimore and work with you. Through extensive wine-therapy we will reconnect those alien-altered memory cells. I don't care if we have to spend months down in your wine cellar, the truth is out there and we will drink it!! Uuhhhh..., I mean..., find it! What else is going on in the wine world. Well, there's news out of the Michael Jackson trial that Whacko Jacko really is a wino whacko! We all heard about the Jesus Juice in the Diet Coke can. That's old news. But how about this? At Michael Jackson's Neverland Valley ranch, wine and liquor are hidden in a basement room, down a set of stairs concealed by a jukebox in the large video-game arcade. The Whackmeister also has quite the porn collection. Let's see, who does this remind us of? Except for the molested little boys, this could be our own WinoBob!
Hey, the Supreme Court is due to rule very soon on the whole interstate transportation issue. The court heard arguments back in December over the right of states to restrict the shipment of wine to residents from out-of-state wineries. The wine wholesalers are obviously lobbying to keep these archaic laws in place. The Supreme Court could put an end to this whole issue. Keep your fingers crossed. If you want your voice to be heard, visit FreeTheGrapes.org. And on a final note, the French are at it again. (This page wouldn't be complete without a little "French update".) It appears that a bunch of radical winos are upset with the French government. This group which calls themselves CRAV (Comité Régional d’Action Viticoles), which in English means something like "Crazy French Winos With Explosives", have been out blowing things up. Fortunately, thus far, no one has been injured. However, one French policeman was "knocked off his scooter" on March 9. Upon seeing this, the CRAV reportedly set the scooter on fire and "ran away." I'm not making this up. More recently, these angry wine producers have raised the stakes in their struggle with the French government, using dynamite in attacks against official buildings in the cities of Montpellier, Carcassonne and Nimes. Damage has been minimal as it seems that these Franco terrorists are content to just set the dynamite off outside the doors of the government buildings. There were also reports of several explosions at small wineries in the south of France. It's not clear whether these wineries were targeted by the CRAV or if the CRAV just accidentally blew themselves up. The CRAV are protesting against the measley €70 million ($93.7 million) package of measures announced by the French Minister of Agriculture to help the local wine industry out of the worldwide wine glut. You know, there's a worldwide glut of wine-related web sites, too, but you don't see us out there blowing things up! Especially our own facilities. Then again, no one is giving us €70 million to go out and by dynamite. I'll have to think about this one... On a sad note, while I was penning this little update, it was announced that Pope John Paul II has passed away. He had been gravely ill for a few days. He was a great man and the world is a better place for all his efforts. I actually feel bad now about announcing my candidacy for (and subsequent withdrawal from) the papacy. What was I thinking (drinking)? Pope John
Paul II May he rest in peace. WinoJohn
January 30, 2005 Holy shit! Check this out... just 20 days between What's New updates. What's wrong with this picture??? Somebody pick BigBob up off the floor... Anyway, I received an interesting email recently. I receive a lot of email, mostly from irate feminists complaining about the WinoBabe of the Month or from irate Frogs complaining about my continuing criticism of all things French. I can easily ignore all those idiots. This recent email, however, caught my attention... I received an email from some unknown-to-me woman from Australia. In my mind, I envision the author to be some WinoStuff-addicted, lovelorn reader like Nicole Kidman or Elle Macpherson. Or even the slightly-not-from-Australia- but-really-from-New-Zealand, Rachel Hunter. I recognize that this is purely my fantasy and not just a fabricated reason for me to post more bikini-clad babes. (That's just a side benefit.)
So anyway, I get this email from Nicole (or Elle or Rachel) and she informs me of some survey that purports to pair wine with "personalities, prospective dates, and favorite occasions of single men and women nationwide." I figured this is exactly the type of whacky shit that WinoStuff readers enjoy. I could be wrong... As it turns out, this survey was sponsored by The Australian Wine Bureau and Match.com so I expected the results of the survey to indicate something like "Pathetic single Australian computer geeks meet similarly afflicted Australian women through Match.com and ply them out of their Aussie undergarments with copious quantities of Aussie Shiraz..." or something like that. While I was close in my pre-assessment, I was not entirely correct. The actual findings of the survey reveal that (and I quote), "the Characteristics of Australian Wines Match What Single Americans Want in a Romantic Partner". Damn!!! All along, I thought Single Americans wanted something more along the lines of our bikini-clad WinoBabes. I may have to rethink my whole bikini-clad strategy... Reprtedly, Match.com questioned thousands of single men and women across the US and found that 62 percent believe that their date's choice of beverage provides "insight into their lifestyle", and 52 percent felt that it is "indicative of their personality". Here are some of the specific findings of the survey:
Now, you know us. We at 'Stuff could not sit idly by and let the findings of this survey go unchallenged. So we assembled a team of top Psychologists, Psychiatrists, Psychopaths, Psychophobes, Psychos, Sycophants, Psychics, and Physicists (we had to have some real scientists in the mix) and we analyzed the same data. Our findings (not surprisingly) are quite different. Here's what we found:
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