And now ladies and
gentlemen, it is the distinct pleasure of the management to present to
you, the evening's star attraction. Here they are back after their
exclusive three year tour of Europe, Scandinavia and the sub continent.
Won't you welcome from Calumet City, Illinois, the show band of Joliet
Jake and Elwood Blues, The Blues Brothers!
That’s what I feel like.
I haven’t been here in a while. I’m not exactly sure where I’ve been. I’ve
been busy. I don’t know whether I have been touring the sub continent or
spending time in Joliet State Prison. Whatever the reason, I haven’t been
here. But now, I’m back. Enjoy it while it lasts…
Hey, while I was gone, I
figured out how to keep this column fresh going forward. No, I’m not going
to update it more frequently. That would be like work. But I did figure
out how to get the date at the top of this column to always reflect today’s
date. It’s a cool little Java applet. So, I got that going for me, you
know, which is nice…
I must thank most of you
winos for your patience. Very few of you have actually prodded me to update
this stupid page. Only the Bob-sey twins (WinoBob and BigBob) took the time
to annoy me. I guess for most of you, the threat of seeing yourself
Photoshopped into some embarrassing pose and posted on the internet is just
too much of a deterrent. Only the Bobs felt it necessary to insinuate that
I am not keeping up my end of the bargain. Damn the Bobs!!! I thought
about Photoshopping them together in some kind of homo-erotic gastronomical
orgy but the mental image made me nauseous. Even I have limits.
For today’s update, I
thought about doing some kind of social commentary. Maybe something on the
role of wine in society as it pertains to vice and the decay of our moral
fiber. (Because, you know, we are all about vice! And decay of moral
fiber!) If you recall, back in the 50’s, there were three major accepted
vices in the US: Wine, Women and Song (which, by the way, are three of my
favorite vices today). In the 70’s, these vices were somehow renamed Sex,
Drugs and Rock and Roll. Today, the three staples of vice have morphed into
“Friends With Benefits, Appletinis, and Hip Hop.” Personally, I don’t even
understand today’s vices. WinoBob is my friend and (fortunately) there are
no benefits. Appletini is just one of a huge variety of tinis. Tinis are
simply a clever method that men invented to get women to consume mass
quantities of vodka. I hardly see anything wrong with that. And, other
than the Hip Hop / Gangsta Rap / Cristal connection, I’m not sure today’s
vice has a lot to do with wine. And wine is why you stopped by to visit
this stupid column, isn’t it? Besides, compared to today’s vices, wine is
the thread that holds together our moral fiber.
So then I thought maybe I
would write a long-winded discourse on the impact of global warming vis a
vis wine growing regions, climatic change and terroir. (I’m not really sure
what vis a vis means but it just sounded so damn intellectual
in that sentence!) First, Al Gore got us all riled up with his documentary,
An Inconvenient Truth. Then I found out that Al spends like
10 million dollars a year heating and cooling his enormous estate. But
that’s OK because he buys some kind of “green earth coupons”. That means
that he donates money to some organization that plants trees in order to
offset his huge carbon footprint. So, the moral of that story is that if
you have enough cash, you can warm the earth all you want as long as you
plant a few trees. If that were the case, WinoWally could afford to turn
the global thermostat up to eleven. (That’s one warmer than ten!)
So while I was pondering
the whole global warming thing, thinking about what to write, I came to the
realization that global warming doesn’t really affect me. (I have central
air conditioning!)
Speaking of WinoWally, did
I mention that WW saved my life recently? Yeah, it’s true. A couple months
ago, I did something that I swore that I would never do again. I agreed to
spend 12 hours in a car, driving to Virginia so that my youngest daughter
could play in "a big soccer tournament." Now, at this point in my parenting
career, I have been to hundreds of “big soccer tournaments”, my daughter has
played in thousands of games, and I have driven close to a light-year to
keep everyone happy. (For you non-dweeb types, a light-year is a
really long distance...) I swore I would never do it again. No mas.
I'm done. Finito. I figured that I had driven to my last tournament. But
somehow I got suckered into it again…
So check this out… I had
it all planned out. I was going to take the day off from my dweeb day job,
pick up my aspiring Mia Hamm early from school, and get on the highway by
11:00 am. That would put me in Baltimore by 2:30 and on the south side of
DC by 3:30. I could cruise into the hotel by 5, feeling relaxed and ready
for a nice weekend with The Girl. But it wasn’t going to be that easy. No,
it wasn’t going to be easy at all. The highway gods were angry on this day,
my friends, and I was destined to be collateral damage…
Things were moving along
well. For a while. Despite the wet weather, we blew through Philly with
nary a slow down. We got through the ugly 495/295/I-95 merge in Delaware
without a hitch. Even the tolls were no match for our EZ Pass. (EZ Pass is
possibly the most important invention in the history of travel soccer. More
important even than the collapsible chair-in-a-bag. More important than the
coach/trainer with a foreign accent! But I digress…)
So, there I am, cruising
down I-95, minding my own business, about 15 miles north of Baltimore, when
what do I see but a big flashing sign that says something to the effect of
“Accident
past exit 67. All lanes closed. Use exit 77 or 74 to Highway 40 West. You
Poor Bastards.”
I noticed this sign just as I was passing exit 77.
That meant that I, along with hundreds of thousands of other motorists (many
of them were also crazed soccer parents) would have to exit the highway, in
single file, at Exit 74. And, just at that moment, all lanes of traffic
came to a complete stop. I thought about trying to back up to exit 77 but
within a few milliseconds, there were tens of thousands of stopped cars
behind me. This trip was going downhill fast…
Two hours and 3 miles
later, life on Highway 40 West was starting to take its toll on my nerves.
I could feel that I was starting to crack. I knew I had a corkscrew
somewhere in my luggage and I was thrashing about desperately to find it.
No, I was not planning to open any one of the three nice bottles that I
brought along for the tournament. No, I was searching for the corkscrew
because it was the sharpest tool in my possession at the time and I needed
to hurt someone. I didn’t know whether it would be me or some other
frazzled motorist but someone had to die. Where was that damn corkscrew?
(Don’t worry about my driving. We were moving along at a brisk 0.2 MPH at
this point so rifling through my luggage while driving was the least of my
problems.)
After several more hours
of this torture, I could no longer take it. I had to do something. I
turned down a side street, blew through a few stop signs and got myself
completely lost. At this point, I had nothing to lose so I thought, what
the hell? I may as well call The Wife. Lucky for me, she answered on the
first ring! I explained my unfortunate dilemma and asked her to Google Map
the area and find me an escape route. She said that she would be happy to
help if I would simply explain to her how to use Google Maps. WHERE IS THAT
DAMN CORKSCREW???
Well, after what seemed
like a few days, I managed to get back on the highway somewhere south of
whatever caused the closure and I was on my way. As dusk began to fall, I
made my way through Baltimore and suddenly realized that I would be hitting
DC at rush hour… on a Friday. I started to shake. My blood pressure was
well up into the 200’s. I didn’t think I could make it. Then, like an
oasis in the desert, I saw the light. No, this was not the light at the end
of the tunnel, this was… The Light… The Saving Light. The
Beacon of Light… from the Palatial Wally Estate. I made the call and Wally
was there. And my nightmare was about to end.

I called Wally and told
him where I was. I told him about the accident. I told him about the
traffic and the god damn missing corkscrew. I told him about my blood
pressure. And Wally was there. He said, “WinoJohn, you’re only about 10
miles from the easternmost reaches of the Wally Estate. Go through the
south gate and drive over to the heliport. From there, it’s only 15 minutes
to the main house by helicopter!” I was saved! I didn’t care if we made
it to the tournament. I was going to the Wally Estate.
When I arrived at the main
house, Wally had a nice ’97 Mondavi Cab waiting for me. And Wino Sharon was
just putting out the boiled shrimp. (It doesn’t matter what time of day or
night that you stop by the palatial Wally Estate, Sharon is always putting
out some gourmet snacks…) This was pure heaven. I laughed at those other
crazed motorists, still white-knuckled, inching along through DC, as I
sipped a nice cab and scarfed down a few more shrimp. Ha ha ha, you poor
bastards, I’m a guest at the Estate!
Later that night, I
departed the Estate and traveled down to Virginia long after the traffic had
died down and without a care in the world. WinoWally did indeed save my
life. He probably saved several other motorists from a hideous and painful
death-by-corkscrew. Who knows? So anyway, if you ever find yourself in an
imminent road-rage situation on I-95 thru Baltimore, simply look to the sky
for the beacon. The Wally House for Wayward Winos in Baltimore, MD is there
to help.
Hey, here’s something sort
of wine-related… In the last few months, the French people gained some
intelligence. The collective IQ of an entire nation went up by double
digits. No, I’m not talking about those whacky CRAV dudes. They are just
loony. I’m talking about the election of a new French president who is US
friendly. What’s up with that??? French people sympathizing with the US?
Sacre bleu!!!
My theory is that France
finally noticed two things going on around them:
1)
They have a whole boatload of excess
wine and wine-producing capacity in France, and
2)
The US is rapidly becoming the largest
wine consuming nation in the world.
The French voters simply
put one and one together and… well…, frankly, they surrendered. Maybe they
realized that the remnants of the WinoStuff-led boycott of French wine
continue to be economically devastating. While they don’t necessarily
want to be nice to the US, they NEED to be nice to
the US. So, let’s give this new guy, Sarkozy, a chance and see what he’s
all about. If everything is positive, maybe we’ll start a WinoStuff
campaign to embrace French wines this year? We’ll see…
But that’s not why you
stopped by this page. You don’t care about French politics or their latest
surrender. You came here to get a glimpse into my tremendous insight into
wine. Or you were hoping I’d post some pictures of Britney’s ‘bald spot’.
Well, kids, this edition of What’s New! is completely Britney-free.
(Ooops, there goes half the readership…) Instead, I’m going to ramble
incoherently about another topic that is sure to interest you. Old age.
No, not my old age (although I am feeling every bit of my fortysomething
years.) No, not The Wife’s old age (although that tale would fill volumes
and would probably get me John Bobbitt-ed in the middle of the night…). No,
friends, in keeping with the supposed theme of this web site, I’m going to
talk about old age as it pertains to wine. Specifically, as it pertains to
the rapidly aging wine in my wine cellar. It’s not a good story.
Over the past 15 years, I
have collected a variety of wines in my cellar. OK, “variety” may be
somewhat of an exaggeration. My cellar is 99 44/100%
California Cabernet ranging from simple everyday wines like BV Rutherford
and Mondavi Napa Valley to some more high end selections like Silver Oak,
Stag’s Leap and BV Georges Latour. I had always planned to crack these
treasures open at any number of future CabFests or while entertaining my
wine-loving brothers and brother-in-law. These wines were sure to carry me through my golden
years. But there is a problem. I’m still in my silver years, maybe even my
bronze years, and my cellar is mature. It’s ready. In some cases,
it’s past it’s peak. Damn! What am I gonna do???
Well, you know what I’m
gonna do. I’m gonna do some serious cellar cleanin’. I’m gonna be drinking
Cinq Cepages with Peanut Butter and Jelly. I’m gonna have Opus One on a
Tuesday night with Mac and Cheese. Shit, I’m gonna put Cask 23 on my
Cheerios. I am NOT going to let this wine go down without a fight!!!
So far, this is what I
have discovered. Most of the more affordable wines that are older than say
1996, are on the down hill slide. Stuff like Raymond Reserve, Mondavi Napa,
BV Rutherford. In most cases, they are still drinkable but you better drink
them now. Any of these wines older than about 1992 will have lost most of
their fruit. So, if you got ‘em, smoke ‘em.
The higher end stuff is
holding up a bit better. I’ve cracked open some Hess Collection back to
1994 without much problem. Older than that and it’s hit or miss. The
early-to-mid 90s Stag’s Leap Napa Valleys are holding up but are ready to
drink. (I haven’t opened any older than 1992.) I need to open some of the
FAY and SLV. (Maybe at the upcoming Cab/Pinot/BobFest at WinoBob’s?) The
Jordans are holding up well, at least as far back as ’92. Groths older than
1994 are starting to slide. The 1993 Georges de Latour is starting to head
south but is still a nice wine. All in all, it’s not a disaster. But the
next few months should be interesting as I try to stay ahead of the curse of
time.
On the bright side, some
of this wine is drinking brilliantly now. Whitehall Lane Reserve from the
mid 90s is wonderful. 95 Mondavi Reserve, excellent. 94 Silver Oak,
timeless. In fact, I would say that most of the 1997 Cali Cabs that are
stashed away are ready. I know you have some ‘97s stashed away…
So here’s my new rule. 10
years for Cali Cab. Maybe 12 for the high end stuff. No more. Some of these wines may do well
beyond that time frame but I’m not taking any chances. I’m going to start
paying attention, people. These wines peak at a certain age and I want to
be there when they do. I would suggest that you do likewise.
That’s it. That’s the
message that you waited 9 months for. (Maybe longer if my Java applet is
working!) Drink your mid-90s Cali cabs now. Period. Don’t wait. If you can’t get
to them soon, you’d better send them to me. It’s only right. Send them to:
Save Drink the Cali
Cabs Society
PO Box 64
Caldwell, NJ 07006
So, if for some strange
reason my Java applet doesn’t keep this page updated and you feel that I am
once again missing in action, don’t send me annoying little hints to update
this site. I am probably just down in my cellar visiting some “old”
friends. I’ll be back. Until then, relax, enjoy, and drink your 10+ year
old California Cabs. Before it’s too late.
WinoJohn (July 4, 2007)
September 14, 2006
What's New, you ask? Here's something
new... YouTube.com.
(Actually, YouTube isn't all that new. It's been around for like a
year and a half. If it's new to you, then you've bee living under a
rock or in some dank, dark third-floor office...) If you're not
familiar with YouTube, it's a site
where people can upload video clips for easy viewing by the rest of the world.
It can be pretty random. I somehow stumbled onto this site and quickly
realized that WinoBob is not the wackiest creature on the planet.
There are some real loonies out there and many of them post videos on YouTube.
As a dweeb, I have a major problem with YouTube. It used to be that you had to be a
techno-geek to post stuff
on the internet. Now, any drunken idiot with a movie camera and a PC can post stuff.
"Who are all these people posting videos on the internet?", you ask.
As far as I can tell, it's mostly
teenage girls posting clips of themselves dancing around in their bedrooms.
(Which probably explains the immense popularity of YouTube!)
Hold on one second... (HEY, HON, GO UPSTAIRS AND
CHECK ON THE GIRLS!)
Sorry. I'm back.
In addition to the teenage girls,
there are dudes posting guitar licks, there's a bunch of clips from the TV
show Big Brother, and more. Lots more. Some of it is total
randomness. There are chick fights,
sports highlights, comedy sketches, cartoons, anime, etc. But mostly
it's teenage girls dancing in their bedrooms. At least that's what I
could determine from my "brief" visits to the site...
I know what you're thinking.
You're thinking, "OK. WinoJohn, we get it. You haven't
updated this stupid site in 4 months because you have been voyeuristically
watching teenage girls dancing around in their bedrooms. Dude, get a
life. You're starting to act like WinoBob. Get a grip!"
I know, I've heard it all before. But it's not what it looks like.
I was just doing some research for this stupid site.
Really! It's friggin' research! Do you think I enjoy
ogling lithe, sinewy young bodies, gyrating rhythmically, sweating, often
scantily clad... to some primordial jungle beat... Huh?
Well, actually, I uhhhh... IT'S STILL
RESEARCH, DAMN IT!!! Geez, give me a break!
For example, if you go to YouTube.com and search on the
word "wine", look what you get:
Strangely, you also get teenage girls
dancing around in their bedrooms... ???
(Damn, some of these girls' fathers should just install
a pole in the house now. You know it's inevitable...)
Perhaps the most disturbing clip on
all of YouTube is this one depicting an obviously inebriated individual
attempting to saber a champagne bottle while dressed in a batter's helmet,
goggles, welder's gloves and a catcher's chest protector. Our
children should be protected from this kind of blatant alcohol abuse...
Check it out:
Now that's just uncalled for.
So what is it that prompts otherwise normal people to
videotape themselves doing whatever and post it on the internet? And
what is it about teenage girls that makes them dance around in their
bedrooms and call it "wine"? The answer to these and other probing
questions is the reason why you visit WinoStuff.com. So stop
criticizing me and listen up. I don't have time to repeat this.
Here we go:
Question: Why do seemingly normal people post
videos on the internet?
Simple Answer: People are idiots.
Well-Researched Detailed Answer: People are idiots and YouTube is
free.
Question: Why do teenage girls dance
around in their bedrooms and call it "wine"?
Simple Answer: Because they can. And if they do, they can
videotape it, post it on the internet and pathetic, middle-aged men will
ogle them.
Well-Researched Detailed Answer: As far as I can tell, there is
an urban dance craze called "Dutty Wine" which is making the rounds.
It appears to be an offshoot of a Jamaican dance song by the same name,
popularized by Jamaican DJ, Tony Matterhorn. Apparently, the song
causes young women to uncontrollably shake their booty and swing their heads
around. If my memory serves me, I seem to recall that uncontrollable
booty-shaking attracts the attention of young men so Dutty Wine is sort of a
mating ritual performed by young teenage girls to attract young teenage
boys...
Hold on one more second... (HON! I HEAR
MUSIC PLAYING UPSTAIRS!! GO SEE WHAT THE GIRLS ARE UP TO!!!)
Sorry again. I'm a father of two teenage girls
and I gotta keep tabs on them. If I should somehow stumble upon one of
my little princesses shaking her booty on YouTube, my head would explode.
So anyway, all this leads to one more important
question.
Important Question: What the hell is "dutty" wine?
Important Answer: As far as I can tell, "dutty wine" is
Jamaican for "dirty wine" and, as far as I can tell, it has nothing to do
with wine. (Hey, I'm a middle-aged white dude. What do I know
about contemporary Jamaican dance music?) If any of you Rastafarian
winos knows more about "dutty wine", drop us a line and explain it. We
can use the help.
OK, so now we know You Tube. So What? Good
question. Let's beat this wine-video-on-the-internet dead horse some
more. Guess what happens if you search for "wine" on the Yahoo video
clips site? Do you know what you get? Nothing exciting really.
You get a few video clips of random individuals talking about wine.
You get a few clips of music videos that have the word "wine" in the title.
It's really pretty boring. There's nothing even worth linking to from
this lame site so you know it's pretty boring. (Unless
you turn off the parental controls and search on the words "girl hiding wine
bottle". Then you get... ummm... something quite disturbing.
But why would anyone search on those words, BOB???!!!)
Google now has a beta version of their video sharing
site. It resembles YouTube in some respects but it doesn't seem to
have the same whacko factor. I'm sure that we (you) just need to give
them time. Coincidentally, our hero and Honorary Wino, Limey Dork Hugh
Johnson, has a clip or two on the Google site. You sure won't want to
miss those videos!
Here, check this one out...
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=2508611783554925701&q=wine&hl=en
ZZZZzzzzzzzz.......
Huh? What? Oh, I'm sorry. The
Dorkmeister was speaking. I don't have a clue what he was talking
about. Oh well, you judge for yourself... (yawn...)
OK, what else? While we're on the subject of useless
wine-related information, check this out:
The largest wine cellar in the world (not
counting the palatial WinoWally uber-cellar) is located in Paarl, South
Africa. It has an area of 54 acres and can hold 27 million gallons of
wine. It is owned by some wine co-operative, the
Ko-operatieve
Wijnbouwers Vereniging (KWV). Imagine how many teenage girls could
dance in that place! Sorry, I'm a little off track.
OK, back to one last bit of real wine stuff...
After my last rant on the rip-off
that is Las Vegas, I have to give props to one place that I visited in Sin
City that served up some good food and wine at a reasonable price.
Yes, the place was called Il Fornaio and it was in the New York, New York
Hotel and Casino. Check it out the next time you are in Vegas.
In fact, it's a chain of restaurants so you can check it out next time you
are... well... pretty much anywhere. Tell 'em WinoJohn
sent you...
Until next time, relax, enjoy, keep an eye on your
teenage daughters, and drink more wine!
April 23, 2006
I did it! They said it couldn’t be done! They laughed
at me back at the University, but I did it! That will teach them. Now,
see, now I have a real claim to fame. What did I do? Just
this… I outlasted WinoWally in the race to see who could shirk all
responsibility and go the longest between WinoStuff updates. I think I now
hold the record and I have proven that I have the intestinal fortitude to go
the last mile, to give 110%, to do whatever it takes to reach a goal. Thank
you, thank you…
So, what have I been up to? In reality, who cares what
I’ve been up to? Oh, wait… There seems to be a whole bunch of people with
less of a life than me and who want to know what I’ve been up to. Well,
maybe they don’t really care what I’ve been up to but, for some unknown
reason, they feel compelled to send me email. I have had email from angry
Frogs, cursing me for the now-defunct boycott of France. (They are really
pretty funny…) I have had angry wine critics email me to complain (in the
most polite and articulate manner) that I am an idiot for siding with Robert
Parker (The Second Most Influential Wine Critic Named Bob) over Limey Dork
Hugh Johnson. I’ve had random kids send me random pictures in the random
hope that I’ll post them on the Random Stuff page. I’ve gotten loads of
emails from winery owners/operators/ managers (or their marketing agents)
requesting that we provide a link to their website from the world’s most
important website. (Eventually, I get around to posting links to these
wineries. I’m happy to help anyone who is trying to eek out a living by
making wine. When will they realize, however, that a gift of wine
might move the process along a little more quickly??)
OK, to satisfy the masses and those who have a need to
know, I have been to Vegas three times in three months. I’m going back
again tomorrow, too. Vegas is a fun town but I’m actually getting tired of
it. Overpriced restaurants, overpriced wine, overpriced hotels, etc. Rumor
has it that the women are overpriced, too, but I have no first hand
knowledge of such things. And my wife reads this stupid page…
One of the worst experiences from one of my recent
Vegas jaunts was at the Nobhill restaurant in the MGM Grand Hotel and
Casino. This place is purported to be an upscale steak house in the
tradition of the great San Francisco steak houses. In reality, the
food was just OK, the service was just adequate and the obscenely-overpriced
wine sucked. Hosting a dinner for 10 of my fellow techno-dweebs, including
Wino Eric Shiroke of Santa Clara CA and WinoRandy, I ordered a 1997
Mayacamas Cabernet Sauvignon to accompany all the red meat. When the wine
arrived, I tasted it and it wasn’t corked nor was it cooked but it wasn't
exactly good. I accepted it with the hope that it would “open up” after a
few minutes. An hour later, there was still nothing to it. Nothing.
Zilch. Nada. Goose. No fruit, no complexity, no nuthin’. Now, I have had
Mayacamas many times from many different vintages and they have always been
big, well-structured cabs with a healthy dose of mountain fruit. I fully
expected a ’97 Mayacamas to be one of the best. But NOOOoooo… I’m
thinking of filing suit against the hotel, the restaurant, the 17 year-old
wine steward, the city of Las Vegas, the Mayacamas winery, and the State of
California. All of these groups played a part in my dismal wine-dinner
experience. (If I can’t make any money on this website, I’m going to sue my
way to riches. Read on...) Even if I don’t sue the whole lot of them,
I’m certainly going to write a letter. That’ll teach ‘em!!! (Yeah, just
like the idiots that send me emails "teach" me…)
So now that I got that off my chest, let’s get on to
business… Let’s talk about the real reason for my extended cyber absence.
The truth of the matter is that I have made no postings because I’ve been
working on the lawsuit involving my manuscript. What? You didn’t know that
I have a manuscript? Sure. I started writing it back in the 80s when I was
just a novice wino-journalist-techno dweeb. I have remained quiet over the
past few months under the direction of my legal counsel, waiting for the
outcome of the Michael Baigent and Richard Leigh lawsuit against Random
House over the whole Da Vinci Code issue. (Baigent and Leigh sued Random
House claiming that their book, Holy Blood Holy Grail, was
plagiarized by Dan Brown in his book, The Da Vinci Code.) The
truth of the matter is that The Da Vinci Code plot was actually my
idea and is the basis for my manuscript. My lawsuit will be
filed as soon as the Da Vinci Code movie comes out so that I can maximize my
claim for damages. I’m thinking $500 trillion dollars should do it. Damn!
Then I could give up my dweeb day job, buy the wine.com domain name, get on
the Screaming Eagle mailing list, etc. All the things I always wanted will
be within my reach… A new 12 cylinder Ferrari…, a new PC to host
WinoStuff.com (The World’s Most Important Web Site!). Even with $500
trillion, I won’t be in WinoWally’s socioeconomic strata but it’s a start…
So, I know what you’re thinking… You’re thinking,
“WinoJohn, YOU thought up the Da Vinci Code? Yeah, right. You’ve been
hitting the breakfast sauce again, haven’t you?” Well, my friends, I have
been hitting the breakfast sauce AND I did think up a plot that was so
similar to The Da Vinci Code that Dan Brown had to have stolen it from me.
Here’s a quick look at my manuscript. (If you haven’t read The Da Vinci
Code, you won’t understand the sheer brilliance of the following piece.
Read on at your own risk…)
The DaVino Code
by WinoJohn
© Sometime in the 1980s
Plot Overview
In Wino Wally’s wine cellar, hidden
somewhere outside of Baltimore, MD., a physically-imposing wine importer
named Big Bob Ferdon from the firm Opus One Dei,
apprehends WinoWally, and demands to know where the Holy Grail is.
After Wally tells him, Big Bob Ferdon shoots him and leaves him to die.
However, Wally has lied to Big Bob Ferdon about the Grail’s location.
Realizing that he has only a few minutes to live and that he must pass
on his important secret, Wally paints a pentacle on his stomach with his
own blood, draws a circle on the floor of the wine cellar with red wine,
and drags himself into the center of the circle, re-creating the
position of Leonardo Da Vinci’s famous drawing,
Vitruvian
Bob.
He also leaves a code, a line of numbers, and two lines of text on the
ground in invisible ink. (Wally keeps a lot of invisible ink around
the palatial estate just for this purpose…)

Da Vinci's famous drawing, Vitruvian Bob
A police detective
discovers Wally’s body and calls Dr. Robert Winobob, the story’s
protagonist and a professor of viticulture at Harvard College. The
policeman asks Dr. Winobob to come to Wally’s cellar to try to interpret
the scene. Dr. Winobob does not yet realize that he himself is
suspected of the murder.
After murdering Wally,
Big Bob Ferdon calls a strange guy called the “Teacher” and tells him
that, according to Wally, the keystone is in the restaurant Chateau
Berta in New Jersey. The Teacher sends Big Bob Ferdon there. Big
Bob Ferdon follows Wally’s clues to the keystone’s location and
discovers that he has been tricked. In a fit of rage, he kills a young
woman named WinoAlice, the restaurant's secretary and a sentry for the
Priory of Sion. In Wally’s cellar, Dr. Winobob meets a few other random
police types and realizes that the police suspect him of the murder.
Veronique Sweetstuff,
an extremely attractive agent of the Baltimore Police department of
cryptology, arrives at the crime scene and tells Dr. Winobob that he
must call the embassy. When Dr. Winobob calls the number that Veronique
gave him, he reaches Veronique's answering machine. The message warns
Dr. Winobob that he is in danger and that he should meet Veronique in
the bathroom at the palatial Wally estate. (Veronique is really into
high drama…)
In the bathroom,
Veronique shows Dr. Winobob that the police are monitoring his movements
with a tracking device. She throws the device out the window onto a
passing cash delivery truck, tricking the police into thinking that Dr.
Winobob has escaped from the Wally estate. (Where else would you
find a cash delivery truck other than at the palatial Wally Estate?)
Veronique also tells Dr. Winobob that the
last line in the secret message, “P.S. Find Dr. Winobob,” was Wally’s
way of alerting her. ("P.S." are the initials of Wally’s nickname
for her,
Princess Sweetstuff.)
Dr. Winobob thinks that P.S. might stand for Priory of Sion, an ancient
brotherhood devoted to the preservation of the Sacred Vineyards, and to
the maintenance of the secret that Wally died protecting.
Dr. Winobob decodes the second and third
lines in Wally’s message: “Leonardo Da Vinci! The
Mona
Bob!”
Veronique Googles “Mona Bob” to look for another clue. The police have
returned to the Wally estate as well, and they arrest Dr. Winobob.
Veronique finds a clue to the secret and, by using a bottle of Wally’s
1961 Chateau Mouton Rothschild as a hostage, she manages to disarm the
police officer and get herself and Dr. Winobob out of the palatial Wally
Main House. Meanwhile, Wally's wife, Sharon, cleans up the
whole bloody Wally mess with WinoStuff's Miracle Red Wine Stain Removing
Elixir.

Da Vinci's famous painting, Mona Bob
As Veronique and Dr. Winobob drive toward a
wine shop that Veronique identified online, Dr. Winobob explains the
history of the Priory of Sion and their armed force, the Knights
Templar. He reveals that the Priory protects secret documents known as
the
Sangria,
or the Holy Grail. Dr. Winobob is an expert on this very subject.
When Veronique and Dr.
Winobob enter the wine shop, an unnamed security guard realizes that
they are fugitives and calls the police, but Brian Badlowski, the wine
shop’s manager, recognizes Veronique and helps her and Dr. Winobob
escape. Veronique and Dr. Winobob figure out that the number left near
Wally’s body must be the number on the combination lock that will open
the vault at the wine shop. When they open the vault they find a
cryptex, a message delivery device designed by none other than Leo Da
Vinci and hand-crafted by WinoWally. The cryptex can only be opened
with a password.
Badlowski successfully
smuggles Veronique and Dr. Winobob past the police in the back of a wine
delivery truck. Badlowski then turns on them, but they manage to get
away with the cryptex, which Dr. Winobob realizes is actually the Priory
keystone - that is, the key to all of the secrets the Priory holds about
the location of the Holy Grail.
Dr. Winobob and Veronique go to the
Baltimore house of Sir Robert Parker, a wine critic of some notoriety,
to ask for his help opening the box. Sir Robert Parker tells them the
legend of the Grail, starting with the historical evidence that Cabernet
Sauvignon didn’t come from the French but was a gift straight from God.
(He also cites evidence that Pinot Noir was determined to be a chick
wine by a vote at Nicaea, and that WinoJohn was married to Andrea Immer,
who was of royal blood, and had children by her. But that’s not
important right now.) Sir Robert Parker shows them the hidden symbols
in Da Vinci’s
The
Last Supper
and the painted representation of the Apostle Bob. He tells them that
the Holy Grail is actually a secretive, hidden vineyard which
consistently produces 100 point cabernets. He says he thinks Wally and
the others may have been killed because the winery suspected that the
Priory was about to unveil this secret.

Da Vinci's The Last Supper showing the Apostle Bob
As Dr. Winobob is
showing off the cryptex, Big Bob Ferdon appears and hits him over the
head. Big Bob Ferdon holds Veronique and Sir Robert Parker at gunpoint
and demands the keystone, but Sir Robert Parker attacks Big Bob Ferdon,
hitting him on the thigh where his money belt is located, and Veronique
finishes him off by kicking him in the bollocks. They tie Big Bob Ferdon
up. It takes a lot of rope…
The police arrive at the Sir Robert
Parker’s Baltimore castle, but Veronique, Dr. Winobob, the tied-up Big
Bob Ferdon, Sir Robert Parker, and his servant, Rémy Martin, escape and
board Sir Robert Parker’s private plane to England. Veronique realizes
that the writing on the cryptex is decipherable if viewed in a mirror.
They come to understand the poem, which refers to “a winery praised by
Templars” and the “Atbash cipher,” which will help them arrive at the
password. Dr. Winobob remembers that the Knights Templar supposedly
worshipped the god Bacchus, who is sometimes represented as living in a
winery. The word, unscrambled by the Atbash Cipher, is
Veronique.
When they open the cryptex, however, they find only another cryptex,
this one with a clue about a tomb where a knight was buried by a Limey
Dork.
The Baltimore police
captain realizes that Sir Robert Parker and the rest of them are in the
jet. He calls the British police and asks them to surround the airfield,
but Sir Robert Parker tricks the British police into believing that
there is nobody inside the plane but himself. Then he goes with
Veronique, Dr. Winobob, Rémy Martin, and Big Bob Ferdon to the Abbey
Road Wine Store in London, the burial site of knights that the Limey
Dork Hugh Johnson had killed.
Rémy frees Big Bob
Ferdon and reveals that he, too, follows the Teacher. Big Bob Ferdon
goes to the wine store to get the keystone, but when he tries to force
Dr. Winobob to give it up, Dr. Winobob threatens to break it. Rémy
intervenes, taking Sir Robert Parker hostage and thus forcing Dr.
Winobob to give up the cryptex.
Meanwhile, the police
look through Sir Robert Parker’s house and become suspicious when they
find that he has been secretly monitoring WinoWally's activities. Over
the phone, the Teacher instructs Big Bob Ferdon to let Rémy deliver the
cryptex. The Teacher meets Rémy in the park and kills him. The Teacher
calls the police and turns Big Bob Ferdon in to the authorities. As Big
Bob Ferdon tries to escape, he is shot, and he accidentally shoots his
idol, Bishop Christian Moueix.
Big Bob Ferdon takes
Bishop Moueix to the hospital and then staggers into a park, where he
dies. In the hospital the next day, Moueix bitterly reflects that Sir
Robert Parker tricked him into helping with his murderous plan by
claiming that if the Bishop delivered the Grail to him, he would help
Opus One Dei regain favor with the Wine Spectator.
Veronique’s and Dr.
Winobob’s research leads them to the discovery that Sir Robert Mondavi
is the knight they are looking for, the one buried by Limey Dork Hugh
Johnson. They go to Napa Valley, where Mondavi is buried. There, the
Teacher lures them to a garden with a note saying he has Sir Robert
Parker. They go there only to discover that Sir Robert Parker himself is
the Teacher. Sir Robert Parker suspected that Wally had decided not to
release the secret of the Priory of Sion, because the Wine Spectator
threatened to kill Veronique if the secret was released. Wanting the
secret to be public knowledge, he had decided to find the Grail himself.
Sir Robert Parker gives Dr. Winobob the
cryptex and asks Dr. Winobob and Veronique to help him open it. Dr.
Winobob figures out that the password is
grape.
He opens the cryptex and secretly takes
out the papyrus. Then he throws the empty cryptex in the air, causing
Sir Robert Parker to drop his pistol as he attempts to catch it and
prevent the map inside from being destroyed. Suddenly, the police burst
into the room and arrest Sir Robert Parker.
The papyrus inside the
second cryptex directs Veronique and Dr. Winobob to Oregon where
Veronique finds her brother and her grandmother. Veronique and Dr.
Winobob part, promising to meet in Burgundy in a month. Back in
Caldwell, Dr. Winobob comprehends the poem, which leads him to the small
pyramid built into the ground in the Wally estate, where he is sure the
directions to the Grail must be hidden. The End.
That’s it. See any similarities to the book by the
plagiarist, Dan Brown? I rest my case…
Damn, I can’t wait until that $500 tril gets here. I
have a lot of things that need to get done around here. And, my wino
friends, trillionaires have people to do those things. Maybe I can
hire someone to update this dopey column...
Until next time, relax, enjoy the movie, and drink more
wine!
October 30, 2005
It's late at night, 3:30 am Eastern Standard Time, and I'm wide awake. The
house is quiet and the rest of my family is asleep. In fact, the entire east
coast is asleep and yet I sit here at this stupid computer, typing away.
What's wrong with me? Oh yeah, I got back from China 3 days ago and my
body is still on China time. In fact, in China, it's the middle of the afternoon...
(Hmmm..., I guess I can start drinking soon... That's cool!)
Don't expect a big update on the wine scene in China. As I reported last
time, China is devoid of
wine. Oh, they have some juice bottled up to look like wine. They
even call it wine, but it's not. I don't know what it is but it's not
wine. Great Wall and Dynasty are two brands of red juice
that portray themselves to be wine but, after careful analysis, I believe that
they are
just slightly-fortified Kool Aid®.
I went into a wine store in Beijing and there were only three wines on the
shelf: Great Wall, Dynasty and a 'Bordeaux' knock-off.
In fact, this 'Bordeaux' wine was in a bottle that looked suspiciously similar to
the Great Wall bottle... And "Bordeaux" was spelled wrong...
I'm guessing that Bordoaux is some vineyard outside of Beijing where they
make Chateau Latore, Chateau Lafeet, and Petris. Just a guess...
Critics would argue, "So what if China is devoid of wine? You learn to make do."
That may be true. They have
like 700 million varieties of tea and the beer is not half bad.
And, as we all know, the cuisine of China is... well... "unique".
Check out the following summary of my various culinary experiences. Is it any wonder that I sit
awake at night?
Beijing is famous for duck, "Peking Duck" specifically, although they call it
"Beijing Duck". If you visit Beijing, the place to get duck is the Qianmen Quanjude
Roast Duck Restaurant. It's world famous. On the street outside the
restaurant, they have pictures of all the famous celebrities and world leaders
who have eaten in the establishment. Richard Nixon, Henry Kissinger, and a
variety of movie stars all enjoyed some tasty duck in the Qianmen Quanjude Roast Duck Restaurant.
I was looking forward to dining in this historic establishment although reports of the Asian Bird Flu
pandemic loomed prominently in my mind. (I can't tell you how bad it would
be if I was the one to bring the pandemic back to the US. That would
suck.) My Chinese host and I tried to get
a table at the Qianmen Quanjude on a Sunday night without a reservation and they wouldn't even take our
names. The wait was expected to be three or more hours. No problem.
We made reservations for Monday and returned the next evening.
Now, if you have never had Beijing Duck, it's truly a memorable experience.
First, the duck is specially prepared by sealing off all of it's orifices and
inflating the carcass. I'm not kidding. They inflate the duck.
The duck actually resembles a long, naked, greasy balloon as it goes into the giant
oven, hanging by it's neck. Very appetizing... All of this
preparation is going on behind the scenes while you enjoy some "appetizers"
at your table.
It is crucial to the entire dining experience that you don't ask what the
appetizers are. Trust me, you don't want to know...
When the duck comes out of the oven, it's a beautiful golden color. They
ceremoniously bring the duck to your table where the "knife man" proceeds to slice
the duck for you. First, he slices off a nice plate full of skin. Mmmmm...
Then he slices off some meat. (Thank God. Something I can eat...)
Then, in one last act of culinary high sanctimony, the knife man whacks off the
bird's head, splits it down the middle, and presents it to the diners on a
special plate. (At that point, I was ready to "give back" the appetizers,
if you know what I mean...) Apparently, the brain and especially the
tongue, are delicacies that the typical Chinese diner will eagerly scarf down.
Now, to actually eat the duck, you pick up the pieces that you want (Meat, skin,
brain, whatever...) and you roll them up in a flour tortilla with some lettuce, celery or other bits of edible flora. It's actually pretty good (as
long as you don't get much brain.) It's kind of like Chinese fajitas.
Throw in some chips and salsa and you've got yourself a real Chexican feast!
As I sat there, gnawing down duck tacos, I imagined that a nice white Burgundy would be the perfect complement to
this cuisine. Unfortunately, I may never know.
The Qianmen Quanjude Roast Duck Restaurant keeps track of the number of ducks
that they have served since 1864. My duck was number 115,141,703. I
think they barcode the ducks when they are very young and then just scan the
inflated carcass before delivering it to your table. Those Chinese...
What will they think of next? If
you go to Beijing, you really have to experience it.
Next on the culinary hit parade is the ever-popular Hot Pot meal. In my case,
we went to the world famous something something something Muslim something restaurant.
(The name of the restaurant was in Chinese but the word "Muslim" was in
English.) At this particular hot pot restaurant, lamb was the
specialty of the house. If you have never enjoyed hot pot, this is
how it works. They set a big pot of boiling water on the table in front of
you. There are charcoals burning in an inner bowl to keep the water hot.
Every table in the entire restaurant has one of these little burning infernos
right there in front of the guests. No consideration is given to the
massive amount of carbon monoxide which is emanating from each
pot and filling the room with poisonous gas. It's all part of the
experience.
Once the pot is at full boil and you are beginning to feel woozy from the fumes,
the waitress brings out a plate of thinly sliced pieces of what are
purported to be lamb. It could have been lamb… It could have been dog or goat or
just about any other mammal. Who knows? It was RAW! You pick up a piece of
this raw meat with some specially lubricated chopsticks
and you drop the meat into the boiling water. After a few seconds, you try to
retrieve the now-cooked meat with the greasy chopsticks while simultaneously
trying not to spill boiling water all over yourself or your business
partner. Every once in a while, the waitress brings more stuff to the
table which you are expected to pick up with the greasy chopsticks and toss into
the cauldron of boiling meat-soup. A successful meal is one in which you
manage to ingest sufficient quantities of cooked meat while avoiding a trip to
the burn center. One word of advice, eating partially cooked lamb can
quickly result in a little Montezuma's Revenge, if you know what I mean...
Now if these dining experiences are not enough to pique your culinary curiosity,
you'll certainly want to stroll through the Donghuamen Night Market. This
market is like a street fair with dozens of vendors lining one side of the road
with food booths. The theme seems to be the same in all the booths: barbequed anything on a stick. If you can poke a stick through it,
they will barbeque it in the hope that some unsuspecting tourist will eat it.
The list of possible kabobs includes snake, scorpion, grasshopper, cricket,
beetle, snake skin, frog, various internal organs,
squid, sparrow, quail, lamb, starfish, sea horse and more.

Some tasty scorpions-on-a-stick
While the food was... uhhhh... "interesting", it was not the
highlight of my most recent trip to China. There are two other things that
you really must experience on your next trip to China. The second most
interesting site is The Great Wall of China. This thing is just awesome.
This wall is like 3000 years old, stretches like 4000 miles and was built by
hand. OK, lots and lots of hands but they didn't have any front-end
loaders or diesel-powered cranes or other heavy equipment. Just boatloads
of little Chinese hands. It's amazing.
Oh, I forgot to mention. While I was there, I closed the marketing deal of
the millennium. Get this, while in China, I successfully negotiated the
naming rights to the Great Wall! That's right, from this day forward, the
wall formerly known as The Great Wall of China is now officially named The
WinoStuff Great Wall of China®!!!
From now on,
all references to the Great Wall must include the WinoStuff name. It's a
law. You don't want to break a Chinese law! They're communists, damn
it!!! As you can imagine, this deal cost us an enormous sum of money.
I can't disclose the actual amount that we paid but suffice it to say that it is
greater than the Gross National Product of most Asian countries. We paid
more than Exxon-Mobil grosses in a year. We paid more than the market cap
of Walmart, Microsoft and Cisco combined! Fortunately,
WinoWally had enough in his checking account to cover the tab...

Tourists enjoy the grandeur of TheWinoStuff Great Wall of China®
OK, so I saw the Great Wall. I saw the Forbidden City. So what? (Get this...
There is a Starbucks inside the Forbidden City. I'm sorry but that
is just wrong. The Forbidden City is a 600 year old palace complex which
has been turned into a national archive/museum. It is rich in history and
culture and tourists from around the world visit the Forbidden City to see how
the emperors from the Ming and Qing dynasties lived. Now, there's a
Starbucks inside. I was appalled. Not so appalled that I couldn't
enjoy a Forbidden Latte, but appalled nonetheless...) I saw all the
typical tourist sites and I ate at the famous restaurants. But these were
not the highlights of my visit. No, winos, the highlight of my trip to this
ancient country was right there in my hotel. You can imagine my sheer
delight when I walked into the bathroom of my hotel room and saw the... commode.
Yes, that's right, the crapper. Now, this was no ordinary toilet, people. No, this porcelain bowl was equipped
with some kind of high-tech, NASA-designed, electronically-controlled TOILET
SEAT!!! Yes, that's right, a toilet seat with wires and hoses and an
electronic control panel.!!! This thing was friggin' INCREDIBLE!!!
The controls were all in Chinese so I couldn't tell exactly what the thing is
called. I'm assuming that the Chinese gave it a catchy name, something
unique like... Crap-o-Matic 2000®
or BungBuddy XLR8®. I'm
going with Crap-o-Matic.

Presenting for the first time to the American pooping public...
The Crap-o-Matic 2000®
Yes, the Crap-o-Matic 2000® is
the latest in defecation technology. The Crap-o-Matic 2000®.
Tired after a long day touring the WinoStuff Great Wall of China? Now you
can return to your hotel room and relax in the comfort of your bathroom.
Busy executives will appreciate all the benefits of a tastefully appointed
restroom complete with a telephone, high speed internet connection and a Crap-o-Matic 2000®.
Just look what this new innovation has to offer...

The control panel of the Crap-o-Matic 2000®
puts comfort at your fingertips...
-
The blue button turns on the Hot Seat® feature of the
Crap-o-Matic 2000®. One
touch and the seat begins to heat up. Use the UP and DOWN arrows to
control the temperature. Now
you can enjoy cozy warmth while you take care of your "personal
business". But you must be careful, set it too high and... well,
let's just say that Uranus will develop another ring…!
-
The green button causes the Crap-o-Matic 2000®
to spray a gentle stream of warm water into your holiest of holey
places for that all-over clean feeling...
-
And the red button..., well, I was afraid to push the red button. The
red button has a picture of a woman with a smile on her face. Whatever is making her smile would probably just hurt me…
My wife, however, has demanded that I install a Crap-o-Matic 2000®
at home. What's up with that?
WARNING: The Crap-o-Matic 2000® has
braided steel hoses such as those found under the hood of NASCAR race cars.
This indicates to me that this thing
is capable of operating at high temperatures and pressures, two conditions I
try to keep away from my tender nether regions.
OK, enough of this inane Chino-babble. This is a wine site, damn it!
I should be discussing wine!!! Unfortunately, as I mentioned before, China
is completely devoid of wine. (This is not completely accurate. I had the opportunity
to pay $75 for a $15 bottle of Chianti at the CJW restaurant in Shanghai but my
Chinese hosts
were looking at me like, “Is this crazy American really going to spend $75 on one
bottle of wine? That could feed an entire family for a year! What’s he going
to do???...”
I couldn't do it.)
While there was no wine in China, there was wine on the airplane! After
surviving 10 days without any vino, I settled into my seat on the plane for the
return flight home,
anxiously awaiting takeoff and the refreshment service that would soon follow.
I was starting to shake in anticipation. Ten minutes into the flight, a cute little Asian
flight attendant knelt down next to my seat and, in her best English, said, "My
name is Happily. If there is anything I can do for you,
please just ask..."
OK, wine wasn't the only thing I had not had in 10 days and now... well...
you can imagine what was racing through my mind... I managed to stutter
out something like, "Hi Happily. Could you happily go up there and pop open
three bottles of Cabernet? That would make me very happily." I knew
this was going to be a long flight...
Like a crackhead who finally gets out of the slammer
and back on
the street in search of his next fix, Crackhead WinoJohn was on the loose.
The airline had a decent selection of wines (for an airline) and I decided to
jump right in. All the way in... The wines on the flight included… (Hey, it was a 16 hour
flight!)
-
Steven Kent Cabernet Sauvignon Livermore Valley 2001- Just what the doctor
ordered after 10 days of abstinence. Light fruit, medium body, decent
balance. And most of all, it's CABERNET!!! Thank God!
-
Charles Heidsick Brut reserve Mis en Cave 2000 –
Dry, Dry, Dry.
The way champagne should be. Crisp and clean. Very nice.
-
Domaine Bourillon Dorleans Vouvray La Coulee D’Argent Vieilles
Vignes Sec 2003 – A bit austere. You might enjoy this one after pushing the
"woman button" on the Crap-o-matic 2000®…
-
Fairhall Downs Marlborough Sauvignon Blanc 2003 – fruit on the
nose, grassy on the finish.
-
Domaine Pierre Fil La Cuvee Des Elysices 2001 –
Grenache, Syrah, Mourvedre. Spicey, oaky vanilla.
-
Burdon Dry Fino Sherry – Its sherry. Who cares?
-
Graham’s LBV Port 1997 –
Sweet. Too sweet.
7 glasses of wine in 16 hours. Not so bad.
(Well, actually, it may have been a tad more than 7 glasses. Happily was
just too happy to provide free refills...)
On a final note, it should be pointed out that I went
wineless for 10 days while working my fingers to the bone in
performance of my dweeb day job. At the same time, my pals and business
associates, Wino Eric Shiroke of Santa Clara CA and WinoRandy, went to Bordeaux
for a "business meeting". What’s wrong with this picture?
We're in the same friggin' business!!! I'm eating tongue and brain while
they are sipping First Growths and eating gourmet cheeses. This is just so
wrong. I’m sure they enjoyed
copious quantities of good frog wine while I had copious quantities of green
tea. Damn, I gotta get a new job... My Feng-shui is in great shape but my liver
is atrophying. I'm totally in touch with my inner zen but my outer
wino is suffering. (Then again, my buttocks area has never felt more clean
and refreshed. Thanks, Crap-o-Matic!)
That's it for now. Until next time, relax, enjoy,
keep your fingers off the red button, and drink more wine!
July
30, 2005
The
following update has been modified from its original version.
It has been edited for content and formatted to fit in the allotted time.
Wow.
It’s been awhile. What
have you winos been up to? If
our web logs and my email are any indication, you’ve been stopping by this
inane page looking for something new. Some
of you have actually been disappointed to find that the last update was
months ago. (You people need to
get a life!) Unfortunately, I
can’t reveal my actual whereabouts for the last three months.
Top secret, company-confidential, need-to-know-only kind of stuff.
However, recognizing that some of you lifeless wine-consumers won’t
be able to sleep until you get some kind of closure with regard to my
extended absence, WinoStuff presents “You Make The Call!”
That’s right, I have prepared a list of possible explanations for
my recent cyber-disappearance. You,
the news-savvy wino, can take your pick and believe whatever makes you feel
good. You make the call!
These are
just some of the possible reasons for my recent hiatus:
-
I was abducted by a band
of French midgets who forced me to watch old Jerry Lewis movies, eat
foie gras and drink chick wine.
-
I have been traveling the
world as part of my dweeb day job as well as for personal rest,
relaxation and holistic healing.
-
I have begun a new health
regimen which involves a reduction in wine consumption, daily exercise
(resulting in less “free” time for this dopey column) and a healthy
diet.
-
I have retained a
personal psychic who warned me of the negative effects on my personal
well being which can result from associating with people named Bob.
-
All of the above
-
None of the above
-
Both E) and F)
-
Who cares?
If one of
these excuses floats your boat, go with it.
Otherwise, you can always use my favorite fallback, “It’s The
Wife’s fault”. Whatever
works for you…
First, let
me get a little general housekeeping out of the way.
Some of you “What’s New update prodders” have turned into
outright badgerers.
This is totally unacceptable. You
guys know who you are… If you
don’t know who you are, let me remind you.
You know
what happens when you badger me. I
didn’t want to do this. I had
to…

Wino Eric
Shiroke of Santa Clara, CA performs nightly in his re-creation
of the classic John Travolta
role in Saturday Night Fever.
That should
be enough warning to the Bobs. You
don’t want to suffer this same indignation!!!
‘Nuff said.
OK, back to
business…
Depending
on which of the above excuses you may have chosen to believe, I may or may
not have
several things to report. This may all be hypothetical so pay
attention. Some of these factoids may not fit in with your "You
Make The Call" conclusion, so feel free to ignore this section...
I might
have visited Las Vegas a few months ago and I may have had the pleasure of
dining at a restaurant called Aureole in the Mandalay Bay Resort and
Casino. This restaurant features modern American cuisine, a killer
wine list (which is accessed via a cool, high tech, wireless digital device)
and WINE ANGELS. That's right, Wine Angels. Wine Angels are
these hot female wine stewards that strap themselves into a harness and get
hoisted up and down the 4-story temperature-controlled wine tower,
retrieving the patrons' wine selections. Very over-the-top. Some
might even call this erotic. Wine, women, harnesses... uhhh...
never mind. Unfortunately, these Wine Angels must get paid Wallyesque
sums because the wine is way, way expensive. My first car
cost less than our evening's wine bill. My monthly mortgage
is less than the evening's wine bill. WinoBob's weekly wine tab
is less than the... No, that's not right. Sorry. I got
carried away.
There is an
outside chance that I might have spent a few weeks in China since my last
update. I was nearly killed by excessive ingestion of Chinese
food. Two weeks of eating nothing but beak and tongue and foot of a
variety of different beasts left me dazed and confused. Thank God for
McDonalds. Just when I was feeling faint and my gastrointestinal
system was about to shut down, voila! A couple of McBurgers and I was
a new man.
The Chinese
wine scene leaves much to be desired. I had a couple decent bottles
while I was there but they were all imports. I brought back a bottle of
Great Wall Cabernet Sauvignon which is purported to be the best selling wine
in China. The best thing I can say about this wine is that it's
red. No fruit, no structure, no complexity, no nothin'. Just
red. I tasted it side by side with a Two Buck Chuck Merlot and the Two
Buck Chuck was clearly the winner. You can strike the Great Wall from
your "Must Taste" list.
There
are rumors circulating that I vacationed in Aruba last month. I can
neither confirm nor deny these rumors. However, had I
visited Aruba, I certainly would have dined at The Flying Fishbone
Restaurant. Tables on the beach (some actually in the
water), romantic setting, excellent food and a decent wine list all made for
a wonderful evening. I also dined at an Argentinean grill (the name
escapes me) where I was informed that 2001 Stag's Leap Napa Valley Syrah
is exactly the same thing as 2001 Stags' Leap Napa Valley Petite Sirah.
Exactly the same! When I disagreed with the waiter over this subtle
point, he called the wine steward over who politely informed me that I was
an idiot (not in so many words...) and that yes, the bottle of 2001
Stag's Leap Napa Valley Syrah that they brought to my table is exactly
the same thing as the 2001 Stags' Leap Napa Valley Petite Sirah that
appeared on the wine list. No difference! You can imagine my embarrassment...
(Actually, you can imagine my family's embarrassment when I informed them
that I am, indeed, WinoJohn of WinoStuff.com fame and that I was pretty sure
that I knew more about Napa Valley wines than all the waiters, waitresses
and wine stewards in their godforsaken restaurant put together!) Other
than that one Argentinean wine debacle, Aruba is a fabulous place. The
people are friendly, the service is excellent and the beach is
awesome. I would definitely go back again (if I had been there to
begin with...)
But all
that hypothetical, "what have I been up to for the last three
months" nonsense is not important. It's not the reason why you
stop by this site. (Most people actually come to this site by
accident. In fact, a significant number of our visitors are, in fact,
searching Google for "Juliet Huddy naked" and for some reason,
they are directed here. Perhaps the Google spider picks up the words Juliet
Huddy naked and assumes that we actually have pictures of Juliet Huddy
naked. Which we don't. But the spiders don't know that.
They just detect the words "Juliet Huddy naked" and start sending
people here. If you fall into that category, you can leave now because
we don't have any pictures of Juliet Huddy naked.) (Note
to WinoBob: Wait until you see next month's web traffic report!)
So anyway,
in this
episode of What’s New!, we'll examine the complex interrelationship between
two subjects which are near and dear to my heart, wine and women.
Throw in rock-and-roll and chocolate and you have the WinoJohn Grand
Slam. Add to that some golf, beach and gourmet food and you have
WinoWally’s life. (On a slow
day.) Damn that WinoWally!
Anyway,
we’re here to talk about wine and women.
And I’m not just talking about our bikini-clad WinoBabes.
(Although, you have to admit, some of these serious female wine
professionals never looked better!)
I'm not talking about Wine Angels. I'm not even talking about Juliet Huddy
naked. I'm talking about the women who make wine.
And the women who drink wine. And
the wine that women drink. And
did I mention the WinoBabes? Ooops.
Sorry.
Where do we
begin to explore the complex symbiosis between wine and women?
There are countless websites dedicated to wine, albeit none quite
as… uhhhh…
“colorful” as WinoStuff.com. There
are also countless websites dedicated to women, some of them featuring women
with their clothes on! There
are even websites that are dedicated to wine and women but if I
provide a link to those sites, you won’t hang around this lame site and
click our Google ads. And we can't
allow that. So, sit
back, relax and enjoy the ultimate exposé on wine and women.
In order to
appear as if we have some semblance of journalistic integrity for this piece, I had hoped
to actually interview the women of wine. All
of them. However, as I started churning out this update, I realized
that there are a lot of women in the wine world.
Unfortunately, I was only able to interview… uhhh, let’s see… well,
I didn’t actually get to interview any women on this subject.
I’ve been pretty busy. (Hey!
Remember, the midgets? The
abduction? Gimme a break!)
So, I have had to scale back the scope of this definitive exposé just
a bit. In order to get
something out in a “timely” fashion, I’ve been forced to focus just on
the wine itself. So, I’ll
call this piece “Chick Wine”. (I
know I’ll pay far that…) Consider
this to be Part One of The
Ultimate Exposé on Wine and Women…
The
Definitive Guide to Chick Wine
So, check
this out… According to
published reports, women buy more than 80% of all wine sold in the US.
Did you hear that? 80%
!!! I know that’s hard
to believe given that WinoBob consumes 80% of all the wine sold in
the US but that’s what published reports say.
I don’t make this stuff up. OK,
I make some of this stuff up, but not this time.
Apparently, women do buy more than 80% of all
wine sold in the US. Fortunately,
these wine-buying women share some of the wine with us wine-consuming men.
Statistics indicate that women only consume like 60% of all wine sold
in the US. So we have that
going for us, which is nice…
What do
these statistics mean to us? Well,
it could mean that one of several disturbing dynamics is taking place:
-
WinoBob has a cult of
women buying wine for him. (I
don’t think so…)
-
Women are stockpiling
wine somewhere, awaiting the great gender war that will soon erupt.
(Hey, it could happen…)
-
Women are constantly
plotting to get men drunk in order to steal their credit cards and go to
the mall to buy shoes. (I know
this happens…)
-
Chicks dig buying wine
for their man. Ouch!!!
(Note to self:
Stop writing these silly articles when The Wife is looking over
your shoulder…) or
-
Women
are an important market demographic that has been, until now, mostly
overlooked by the macho, points-driven, male-dominated wine industry.
It could be
that any or all of these possible scenarios are playing out but I’m
guessing that #5 is the predominant force behind the statistics.
So you had to figure that it would only be a matter of time before
alert winemakers started tailoring their wine to meet the tastes of women. Well, my friends, that time has come. And, no, I’m not talking about Pinot Noir or Merlot.
I’m not even talking about White Zin… (I'm certainly
not talking about Juliet Huddy naked...)
If you read
the wine news (and I know you do, otherwise why would you be reading this
lame diatribe?), several winemakers have recently announced their version of
the next big thing on the wine scene: Chick
Wine. In this case, Chick Wine is defined as wine that is made and
marketed to meet the specific needs and wants of women.
However, the target audience may be the only thing these wines have
in common.
On the one
hand, mega wine producer, Beringer Blass Wine Estates, recently
announced the launch of a new white wine called White
Lie Early Season Chardonnay.
This wine is reported to be a “low-calorie, low-alcohol white
wine” and will be targeted directly at “the American female wine
drinker.” In fact, this
wine was developed by an all-female team of American female wine-drinking
female women. That’s
pretty feminine! The Beringer Blass team claims that
“the wine is a reward for
hard-working women who worry about their appearance," citing 80% of women as dissatisfied with their appearance and 45% on a
diet at any given day.”
It sounds to me like Beringer just called the average American female
wine drinker “overweight”, “tired” and “dumpy”…
I could be wrong but that might not sell well…
According to their press release, Beringer’s winemaker, Jane
Robichaud, who is herself an American female wine-drinking woman, harvested
the grapes earlier than usual in order to lower calorie, sugar and alcohol
content in the final wine. This
sounds to me like she picked grapes that were not quite ripe.
That should make for an “interesting” wine…
At the
other end of the Chick Wine style spectrum, Napa Valley’s family-owned Obrien
Cellars has released their version of chick wine, a Bordeaux-style blend
called Seduction. Owner
Bart O’Brien decided to make Seduction after talking with his wife and
many of her female friends and acquaintances.
According to Obrien, “Today’s female wine consumer is a
well-educated (hot), middle-to-high income earning (hot), independent (hot)
woman. She is not interested in
wine scores or in the technical details of grape sourcing, winemaking or
collecting. She wants a wine that is high-quality, beautifully packaged and
pairs well with foods.” (I’m sure that Bart also realizes that today’s male
wine consumer, on the other hand, is mostly interested in the hot female
wine consumer.) But I
digress…
In the
middle are a host of newcomers with trendy names like Mad Housewife or Rosé
the Riveter. Who knows what
message they are trying to convey? I’m
afraid to ask.
To be
honest, I haven’t tasted the Beringer offering yet.
I’m still trying to get up the nerve to ask for it at the Bottle
King. (What self-respecting
wino is going to go into his favorite wine shop and buy a bottle of diet
Chardonnay?) On the other hand,
I could easily see myself buying a bottle of a Napa Bordeaux-style blend.
I do it all the time.
However, I
didn’t have to go searching for the Seduction.
The Obriens had the incredible foresight to send me a bottle!
During one of our very important WinoStuff business dinners, I had
the distinct pleasure of opening a bottle of the 2002 Seduction.
As I tasted it, I tried to imagine what The Wife would think.
(She’s “not invited” to these very important tasting functions
or, as she puts it, “I’m not going out with you and your drunken idiot
friends…”) I found the
Seduction to be a nice soft red wine with lots of up-front cherry and
vanilla flavors and no tannin. None. Zero. Zilch.
It was 100% tannin-free. Or
maybe my tannin detectors are just too calloused from drinking big Cali
Cabs. I don’t know.
But what I do know is this, The Wife doesn’t like tannin and she
does like fruit. I think the
Seduction will be a hit. At the
very least, it should get her off the chardonnay.
Speaking of
The Wife (and I have already said way too much in this edition), she enjoys
a good white Burgundy. She enjoys a well-made Cab.
For budgetary reasons, she buys inexpensive California
chards. So, she must have some
kind of wine appreciation. Why
then, if we are out at a party, will she drink white zin?
What's up with that??? It’s embarrassing! She
doesn’t realize it but this is a direct reflection on me. And it is all about me! We need to have a talk…
So here are
a few questions that, if I had more time, I could have explored.
What do famous female winemaker women like Ann Colgin, Heidi Barrett and
Delia Viader have to say? What
do they look for in a good wine?
What wines do they drink? Why
won’t they return my calls? These
are all important questions that need to be answered in any definitive essay
on chick wine and I won’t rest until we get some answers!
So,
until next time, relax, enjoy some chick wine with your favorite chick, and
drink more wine!
April 2, 2005
I did it! I managed to go two
whole months without an update! Whew! That was tough.
Despite all the whining and complaining from people that I don't know, I managed to keep my thoughts to
myself during the very important February/March mental health / mental
relaxation time period. Other than the occasional Breaking News!
article (which I can pretty successfully plagiarize from real news
sources), I haven't really done squat. It's been great! Even
BigBob hasn't bothered me.
However, one of
my friends has felt the need to remind me that I haven't done
squat. That's right, there is one wine-loving techno-dweeb that just
couldn't let it go. One of my dweeb day job co-workers is apparently a
What's New! junkie and he just had to sling little reminder barbs my
way! This guy (to protect his anonymity, I'll just call him Wino Eric
Shiroke of Santa Clara, CA) and I have a great deal in common. We both
hail from Pennsylvania, we're both dweebs (although I'm much dweebier than
he) and we both enjoy big reds. WinoEric and I have traded stories of
the pick, the crush, and the mutant grape bees. We've dined together
and shared a few bottles together. You'd think the guy would cut me
some slack. Then, out of the blue, he sends me a scathing email that
looks something like this:
To: Wino John
Fr: Eric Shiroke of Santa Clara, CA
Re: 'Stuff
Date: March 28, 2005
You know you haven't updated
What's New since January 30.
|
Can you believe this guy?
What did I do to deserve this kind of malicious verbal attack? Geez,
you think you know a guy...
Yes, winos, you know what happens
when somebody prods me during a mental health hiatus. That's right,
he/she invokes the Wrath of Photoshop! Let this be a warning to all
you potential prodders. I'm a dweeb with a twisted imagination and
hair-trigger on Photoshop. I'm sorry to have to do this, but...

Here we see wino-dweeb extraordinaire, Wino Eric,
relaxing on the beach...
I'm going to be spending some time
with WinoEric at an upcoming dweebfest in Las Vegas. I'm sure that
we'll be able to work this out...
OK, now that I got that out of my
system, let's see what's new...
WinoBob was
arrested again for being Drunk and Disorderly after our dinner with Christian
González of Torres. Nothing new there. Hmmm.... What
else? Oh yeah, I almost forgot! WinoWally was abducted by
aliens! He hasn't written anything for this lame site for like three
years, he must have been abducted. He denies it but that's the first sign of having been
abducted. The aliens force you to deny it or else they will abduct you
again. Wally also claims no memory of the abduction. Duhhh!!!
They give you the rectal probe / memory eraser just before they let you
go!! Nobody ever remembers it! All the signs are pointing to a
classic abduction. Besides, we have pictures...

WinoWally is abducted from the local mall by aliens...
Wally, I think
the only way for you to recover your memory of the abduction is for me to
come down to Baltimore and work with you. Through extensive
wine-therapy we will reconnect those alien-altered memory cells. I
don't care if we have to spend months down in your wine cellar, the truth is
out there and we will drink it!! Uuhhhh..., I mean..., find it!
What else is
going on in the wine world. Well, there's news out of the Michael
Jackson trial that Whacko Jacko really is a wino whacko!
We all heard about the Jesus Juice in the Diet Coke can. That's old
news. But how about this? At Michael Jackson's Neverland Valley
ranch, wine and liquor are hidden in a basement room, down a set of stairs
concealed by a jukebox in the large video-game arcade. The
Whackmeister also has quite the porn collection. Let's see, who does
this remind us of? Except for the molested little boys, this
could be our own WinoBob!

My 12 year-old daughter provided this artist's
rendition of the WinoBob underground wine vault/arcade.
Hey, the Supreme
Court is due to rule very soon on the whole interstate transportation
issue. The court heard arguments back in December over the right of
states to restrict the shipment of wine to residents from out-of-state
wineries. The wine wholesalers are obviously lobbying to keep these
archaic laws in place. The Supreme Court could put an end to this
whole issue. Keep your fingers crossed. If you want your voice
to be heard, visit FreeTheGrapes.org.
And on a final
note, the French are at it again. (This page wouldn't be complete
without a little "French update".) It appears that a bunch
of radical winos are upset with the French government. This
group which calls themselves CRAV (Comité Régional d’Action Viticoles),
which in English means something like "Crazy French Winos With
Explosives",
have been out blowing things up. Fortunately, thus far, no one has
been injured. However, one French policeman was "knocked off his
scooter" on March 9. Upon seeing this, the CRAV reportedly set
the scooter on fire and "ran away." I'm not making
this up. More recently, these angry wine producers have raised the
stakes in their struggle with the French government, using dynamite in
attacks against official buildings in the cities of Montpellier, Carcassonne
and Nimes. Damage has been minimal as it seems that these Franco
terrorists are content to just set the dynamite off outside the doors of the
government buildings. There were also reports of several explosions at
small wineries in the south of France. It's not clear whether these
wineries were targeted by the CRAV or if the CRAV just accidentally blew
themselves up.
The CRAV are
protesting against the measley €70 million ($93.7 million) package of
measures announced by the French Minister of Agriculture to help the local
wine industry out of the worldwide wine glut. You know, there's a
worldwide glut of wine-related web sites, too, but you don't see us out there
blowing things up! Especially our own facilities. Then again, no
one is giving us €70 million to go out and by dynamite. I'll have to
think about this one...
On a sad note,
while I was penning this little update, it was announced that Pope John Paul
II has passed away. He had been gravely ill for a few days. He
was a great man and the world is a better place for all his efforts. I
actually feel bad now about announcing my candidacy for (and subsequent
withdrawal from) the papacy. What was I thinking (drinking)?
Pope John
Paul II
1920-2005

May he rest in
peace.
WinoJohn
January 30, 2005
Holy shit! Check this
out... just 20 days between What's New updates. What's wrong
with this picture??? Somebody pick BigBob up off the floor...
Anyway, I received an interesting
email recently. I receive a lot of email, mostly from irate feminists
complaining about the WinoBabe of the Month or from irate Frogs complaining about
my continuing criticism of all things French. I can easily ignore
all those idiots. This recent email, however, caught my attention...
I received an email from some
unknown-to-me woman from Australia. In my mind, I envision the author
to be some WinoStuff-addicted, lovelorn reader like Nicole Kidman or Elle
Macpherson. Or even the slightly-not-from-Australia-
but-really-from-New-Zealand, Rachel Hunter. I recognize that this is purely my fantasy and not just a
fabricated reason for me to post more bikini-clad babes. (That's just
a side benefit.)

Longtime fans of WinoStuff, Nicole, Elle, and Rachel
So anyway, I get this email from
Nicole (or Elle or Rachel) and she informs me of some survey that purports
to pair wine with "personalities, prospective dates, and favorite
occasions of single men and women nationwide." I figured
this is exactly the type of whacky shit that WinoStuff readers enjoy. I could be wrong...
As it turns out, this survey was
sponsored by The Australian Wine Bureau and Match.com so I
expected the results of the survey to indicate something like "Pathetic
single Australian computer geeks meet similarly afflicted Australian women
through Match.com and ply them out of their Aussie undergarments with
copious quantities of Aussie Shiraz..." or something like that.
While I was close in my pre-assessment, I was not entirely correct.
The actual findings of the survey reveal that (and I quote), "the
Characteristics of Australian Wines Match What Single Americans Want in a
Romantic Partner". Damn!!! All along, I thought Single
Americans wanted something more along the lines of our bikini-clad
WinoBabes. I may have to rethink my whole bikini-clad strategy...
Reprtedly, Match.com questioned
thousands of single men and women across the US and found that 62 percent
believe that their date's choice of beverage provides "insight into
their lifestyle", and 52 percent felt that it is "indicative of
their personality". Here are some of the specific findings of the
survey:
-
Ordering a wine from Australia
conveys the message that a person is adventurous (62 percent) and fun
(32 percent).
-
A person that drinks French
wine is viewed as "pretentious" (76 percent) and high-maintenance (65
percent).
-
"Sexy" (40 percent) and
"stylish"
(37 percent) were personality traits used to describe a person who
orders a wine from Italy.
-
The type of drink someone
orders has the potential to pique the interest of their prospective
partners. When asked which person they would be the most interested in
meeting, respondents overwhelmingly chose someone who orders wine from
Australia (53 percent) over someone who orders a vodka from Russia (18
percent), a beer from Belgium (15 percent) or a Port from Portugal (14
percent).
-
Eighty-three percent of singles
agree that a glass of wine can make an already special moment even more
romantic.
-
Ordering a glass of wine for
that special occasion does not have to be expensive. Fifty-nine percent
of women and 47 percent of men are not willing to spend more than $25 on
a bottle of wine on a first date.
-
Overall, men were more likely
than women to indicate that they have a great knowledge of wine.
Now, you know us. We at
'Stuff could not sit idly by and let the findings of this survey go
unchallenged. So we assembled a team of top Psychologists,
Psychiatrists, Psychopaths, Psychophobes, Psychos, Sycophants, Psychics, and
Physicists (we had to have some real scientists in the mix) and we
analyzed the same data. Our findings (not surprisingly) are quite
different. Here's what we found:
-
Ordering a wine from Australia
conveys the message that a person is Australian (29 percent) and horny
(71 percent).
-
A person that drinks French
wine is viewed as " pretentious" (76 percent) and high-maintenance (65
percent). (Hmmm... That's exactly what the other team of
data analysts determined... That's strange...)
-
"Pasta" (40 percent) and
"red sauce"
(37 percent) were personality traits used to describe a person who
orders a wine from Italy. (These are more like food traits
but the 'Stuff data analysts got hungry while we were analyzing the
data...)
-
The type of drink someone
orders has no bearing on the interest of their prospective partners,
it's how much they drink that matters. When asked which person they would be the most interested in
meeting, respondents overwhelmingly chose someone who orders wine by the
case (84 percent) over someone who orders tea by the cup (14
percent).
-
Eighty-three percent of singles
agr |