If you missed some news from 2005
and 2006, click here.
If
you have no life and need old news from 2003 or 2004, click
here.
If you are really pathetic and want to read older news from
2000-2002, click here. And get a life!
WinoJohn
Drugged-up Celebrity
Whore-Monger of
the Week
Wow!!! Who would have guessed it? We created a very
unique award called Drugged-up Celebrity Whore Monger of the Week
and it was specifically created to honor the antics of Charlie
Sheen. Who would have guessed that there would be another
celebrity that could fill Charlie's shoes? But there is. And
this week, we honor none other than the former NY Giants Hall of
Fame Linebacker, Lawrence Taylor. Congratulations, LT,
you are this week's WinoStuff.com Drugged-up Celebrity Whore
Monger of the Week!
As you may know, LT was arrested back in May and was charged with
statutory rape and soliciting a minor prostitute. The details
surrounding this sordid tale are a bit sketchy but LT apparently
paid a 16 year old girl $300 after having sex with her. She
may or may not have consented to sex with the former Giant and
another man, Rasheed Davis, was charged with unlawful imprisonment,
assault and endangering the welfare of a child for his role in
delivering the young girl to LT's motel room.
Well, this past week, Mr. Taylor pled guilty to two misdemeanors
including sexual misconduct and patronizing a prostitute.
Under the terms of his plea deal, Taylor agreed to pay a $1,400 fine and serve six years of
probation. He will also have to register as a sex offender in two states – New York and
Florida. In court, when the judge asked Taylor if he understood that by cutting
the plea deal, he was waiving his right to a trial by jury he
replied, “I fully understand.” The judge then asked him if he
accepted that he had sex with an underage girl and Taylor responded,
“She told me she was 19!” After a short pause, he then
acknowledged his wrong doing with a simple, “yes.”
(Note to WinoBob: The "SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS 19"
defense still doesn't work.)
It must be pointed out that there were no drug charges leveled
against LT during this incident and there was no evidence of drug
use while LT (statutorily) raped the 16 year old. This may
cause you to question whether he is actually deserving of the full
"Drugged-Up" adjective in his award. The WinoStuff Awards
Committee took these facts into consideration during the voting
phase and concluded that over the years, Taylor has become known for
his womanizing ways and his love of strip clubs and good times.
And by "good times", we mean alcohol and cocaine. As a result,
we are willing to give LT the benefit of the doubt and conclude that
he may have been whacked out on drugs at the time of
the crime and is therefore still deserving of this high honor.
Had Taylor been convicted of the original charges,
he could have faced more than 5 years in prison. That may not
have been so bad. He could have spent some quality time with a
few other former Giants players. Mark Ingram, a former receiver, is spending nearly 10 years in federal prison for money
laundering, bank fraud and bail jumping. Former kick returner, Dave
Meggett, was sentenced last year to 30 years for criminal sexual conduct and
burglary. And lazy but talented wide receiver Plaxico Buress is finishing
up his two year stint for extreme stupidity (with a gun).
WinoJohn January 15, 2011
Nerds on the Loose!!!
I was out for a stroll on the information
superhighway recently, looking for some "super" news to report on
this, the most super of all Sundays (not counting that Sunday when
Desean Jackson put a nail in Eli's hopes of a return trip to the
playoffs... but I digress...) when I stumbled upon a very
interesting article. What happens when you mix Asian
uber-nerds, red wine and superconductors? Well, I'm not really
sure but let me just say this... some amazing shit happens,
that's what...
Check this out... Some Japanese
big-brain dude named Yoshihiko Takano and his buddies at the
National Institute for Materials Science in Japan were playing
around with some superconductors in the lab (who amongst us hasn't
done that!). They were soaking some of these superconducting
compounds in various liquids to measure the effect of the liquid on
the resistance of the compound. First they tried water, then
they tried a mixture of water and ethanol. It appears the process
was going well, because Yoshi and company decided to have a little
party. The party, as it turns out, included sake, whisky, various
wines, shochu, and beer. Those superconducting supergeeks really
know how to party!
As you probably guessed by now, the researchers got
a little "tipsy" and decided to try soaking the superconducting
compounds in some of the alcoholic beverages they had on hand to
determine how they compared to the more conventional soaking
liquids.
When they tested the resulting materials for
superconductivity, they found that the ones soaked in commercial
booze came out ahead! I won't bore you with all the
superdetails but suffice it to say that red wine was the best
soaking material, boosting superconductivity more than 62%!!!
The scientists were reported to have been "pleased" and "bemused"
with their results.
Pleased and bemused? If I was on that geek
squad, I would have been friggin' ecstatic! Maybe even
electrostatic!!! Who knows??? All this talk of wine and
superconductivity raises several important questions:
Why is it that when the Asian geeks get drunk,
they discover superconductivity breakthroughs and when I get
drunk, I discover that WinoBob had childhood "issues"?
What would happen to that whole Big Bang String
Theory issue if you soaked that in red wine? More
importantly, what would happen to Penny from the Bing Bang
Theory TV show if you soaked her in red wine???
WinoBob has been soaking in red wine for the
better part of 15 years. Is he superconducting?
Clearly, more research needs to be done and we're
just the red wine-drinking dweebs to carry out the task.
WinoBob performing some some experiments in the WinoStuff
Superconducting Superlabs...
WinoJohn February 6, 2011
Summit In Silicon
Valley...
Power brokers from government and the private sector
got together this past week to brainstorm on jobs, the economy and
tech issues. That's right, President Obama sat down with some
uber-rich, ultra-powerful eggheads in Silicon Valley on Thursday,
not to assess how much more tax revenue he could squeeze out of a
dozen of the tech industries' most successful entrepreneurs.
Rather, the prez was reportedly looking for ideas on creating jobs
through investment in education and R&D. (Well, maybe he was
sporting a little tax woody by the end of the meeting... But I
digress...) Among those in attendance were Steve Jobs from
Apple, Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook, Eric Schmidt of Google, John
Chambers of Cisco, Larry Ellison from Oracle, and Carol Bartz from
Yahoo. Of course, WinoWally from WinoStuff.com was also
invited to attend. Wally had to decline, however, as he knew
that all of the other attendees would be jealous of his immense
wealth.
WinoBob, despite various court orders prohibiting
him from traveling within 100 yards of almost everyone else in
attendance, volunteered to sneak in sit in on the
meeting and the dinner in Wally's place.
President
Obama Meets with Tech Industry Heavyweights
White House news reports indicate
that, "The meeting was friendly and productive until one attendee
from a lame, wine-related web site started to make a scene."
You guessed it... WinoBob tossed back a few too many and began
to express his disdain for everything from the president's budget
proposal to interstate wine-shipping laws. As you can imagine,
WinoBob was soon asked to leave. (And by ‘asked to leave’, I
mean he was beaten to a pulp by the Secret Service, bound and
gagged, and unceremoniously dumped by the side of the road somewhere
in downtown Oakland…)
All told, the dinner’s elite
executives represented companies worth more than $938 billion. (Not
counting WinoStuff.com, of course.) We'll see what actually
comes from this meeting of the minds...
WinoJohn February
19, 2011
Woman Arrested for DUI!!!
A 48 year old woman was arrested
by the Gainesville, Florida police department last month for Driving
Under the Influence. On Feb. 18 at 1:10 a.m., an officer
spotted Debra Oberlin driving erratically on Northwest 19th Street,
swerving and crossing lanes, the arrest report states.
The officer wrote that Oberlin smelled of alcohol
and had watery, bloodshot and dilated eyes. The report states that
Oberlin told the officer she had four beers. Debra was arrested after she had difficulty on a field sobriety test. She
registered a .234 and .239 on breath alcohol tests. (Florida's legal limit for
driving is .08.) If you do the math (relax, I'll do the math for you...),
Debbie's BAC was almost 3 times the legal limit. Did you hear me???
THREE TIMES THE LEGAL LIMIT!! Can you believe it?!!
I know what you are thinking. You're thinking,
"WinoJohn! Relax, dude! Shit happens. She had a
few brewskies and she got pulled over. It was a mistake.
She shouldn't have been driving but it happens."
OK. Thank you. You're right. I
overreacted. It was just a simple DUI. My bad.
Mug Shot of Debra Oberlin Former President of Gainsville,
Fla. MADD
What was I thinking...?
WinoJohn March 4, 2011
Wino of the Week
and
Poor Unfortunate Bastard of
the Week!!!
Ouch... This story pains me
just to report it. WTF is going on over there in Britain?
Those Brits are just drinking way too much!
And, for me to say that, it must be way out of control!
Anyway, here's the story... (You can figure out who is Wino of
the Week and who is Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the Week. It's
pretty obvious...)
Last month, a British couple from Newcastle,
England, were out having a few drinks. Later in the evening,
the woman, 43-year old Maria Georgina
Topp, and
her 45 year old boyfriend, Martin Douglas, decided to go back
to his place for a little who-knows-what. Around 4 a.m., an
emergency call was made to the local police station. The
emergency operators had a hard time understanding what the caller
(Mr. Douglas) was saying. Police and paramedics were
dispatched.
When the emergency services people arrived, they
found Mr Douglas bleeding heavily from the... uhhh...
"groinal" area. Upon closer examination, they discovered that
poor Martin was no longer in possession of his testicles.
WHAT??? OUCH!!!! Oh man, that is... OWWW!!
WTF??? OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! (If you are at all
like me, you are now holding your boys in a protective death grip,
trying to imagine that it is NOT you who was just de-balled...)
Damn! That's gotta hurt!!!
Martin, who is a self employed DJ, was rushed into
emergency surgery at Freeman Hospital to "have his testicles and
scrotum re-attached." Once again, may I say, "OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
"
Ms. Topp,
a mother of four who resides in nearby
Gateshead,
was arrested and charged with causing grievous bodily harm.
Investigators say
Topp
and Douglas had returned to his home after a night of drinking when
sometime around 4 a.m., Topp
bit down on the man's testicles and then tore them off.Nooooo!!! OOOWWWWW!!!! No more, please,
my stomach is starting to hurt. OWW, OWWW,
OWWW!!!
Wino of the Week, Maria Topp with a
gruesome shit-eating ball-biting grin
Oh, and get this, the police also reported that "Mr.
Douglas' arm was also injured in the attack." WHO THE FUCK
CARES??? His boys were viciously removed from their rightful
place! By an ugly chick! With her teeth!!! His
ball sack was torn from... where his ball sack belongs!!
Damn, who cares if his arm was injured? Unless she gnawed off
his arm, too, that part of the story is just irrelevant!
Damn...
WinoJohn April 3, 2011
I Don't Think So...
From our WTF Department comes this
little tidbit...
As we all know, those whacky Chinese love their
wine. They are consuming more and more wine every year, thus
driving up already ridiculous wine prices. Well now they are
beginning to make their own wine and, in this case,
they are combining their much-loved rice wine with traditional
Chinese medicinal ingredients. On the surface, that doesn't
sound too bad. The Chinese have thousands of years of history,
they are a very hard-working people with a very proud tradition.
So they put some funky ingredients in their wine, so what?
Well check this out...
Tezhi Sanbian Jiu
- Three Penis Wine
Yeah, you read that correctly, Three Penis Wine. Not one
penis. Not even two penis. Three penis. Because
one penis is just not enough penis. I guess. I don't
know...
Tezhi Sanbian Jiu comes in a rather plain looking
bottle but, according to the article I plagiarized
read, this "rice wine is a Valentine’s Day gift your loved one will
always remember..." No shit. If someone gave me
three penises for Valentine's Day, I'd be scarred for life!
This special concoction (Get it? Concockshun...
Ha ha ha! Sorry.) has three different types of animal
penis brewed right in, purportedly to "grant vitality to the
drinker." The label on the back of the bottle says it contains
seal penis, deer penis and Cantonese dog penis, all of them popular
ingredients in Chinese traditional medicine, and all said to
increase male potency and virility. Wow. That's a lot of
penis.
This story is disturbing on many levels. I
think the wine drinking public has a right to some answers!
For example:
They don't secretly serve this stuff to
unsuspecting American techno-dweebs that are forced to eat
who-knows-what during business trips to China, do they? DO
THEY??? (Please say NO. Please!)
What happens to all those poor little seals,
deers and dogs that are forced to give up their penises?
What happens if a dude enjoys Three Penis Wine?
Is that gay?
Who's idea was it to even consider using penis
as a medicinal ingredient? (Wait, I think I figured this
one out. Imagine this scenario... "You have a headache?
Here, try some of this...")
Where can we get some Three Penis?
(Oops, that was my wife checking in...
Note to self: Change the password on the WinoStuff Uber
Computer...)
Well, as responsible journalists, we clearly need to
do more research on this subject. WinoStuff's own Director of
Porn and Penis-Related Wine Stories, WinoBob, will be further
analyzing this product and will be reporting back with his findings.
Stay tuned...
I would just like to go on record as saying, "Ewwww!!!".
WinoJohn April 17, 2011
Whackjob of the Week
So many
whackjobs, so little time...
This week, we once again decided to honor one
amongst us who has pushed the envelope, one who has gone the extra
mile to distinguish himself from the crowd. However, it seems
that the competition this week was more intense than usual.
The WinoStuff Whackjob Selection Committee really had a tough time
deciding a winner. Take for example the following extremely
whacky entries...
Harold Camping - This former engineer
turned minister got the whole world buzzing with his prediction
of the end of the world. He knew down to the minute when
the world was supposed to end. Yesterday at 6:00 pm
Eastern Time, I was braced for the big one. I had a bottle
of '94 Opus One in one hand and my trusty corkscrew in the
other. At the first rumbling of the big quake, I was ready
to pop open this beauty and go at it. But, unfortunately,
the world didn't end. Damn you, Harold Camping!!!
Arnold Schwarzenegger - The former
Governator announced to the world that he had a love child with
his former haus frau and that he had been keeping this big
secret from Maria and the kids for more than 10 years. A
quick look at the baby momma and you can see why he kept this
secret. Arnie! Dude!!! You could have been
bangin' supermodel strippers and you dip your stick in that???
C'mon, man!
Dominique Strauss-Kahn - The former head
of the International Monetary Fund is accused of raping
the maid at his luxury hotel in Manhattan. He quickly
flees the scene while she calls the cops. A few hours
later, he is dragged off an Air France jet by the police.
In keeping with French tradition, he has surrendered his
passport, he has surrendered his dignity and I'm sure he has
surrendered more than that while at Riker's Island... The
guy controls like all the money in the world and he's taking
unwanted liberties with the help. F'ing frog bastard.
OK, any one of these guys could probably win
Whackjob of the Week during an ordinary week but this week was
special. This week, there was more whackiness than usual.
Maybe it was the anticipation of the end of the world, I don't know.
All I know is this was a special week.
Oh yeah... The winner of this week's
Whackjob of the Week honor goes
to... (drum roll, please...)... The dude who bid
north of $130,000 for Princess Beatrice's Royal Wedding Hat!
(We don't know his name yet but stay tuned. The auction
ends in a few hours...)
You remember the goofy hat that Beatrice wore to the
wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, don't you? It
was the surprising fashion highlight of the royal wedding and the
one thing that (briefly) distracted the world's attention from Pippa
Middleton's fine little pooper. Well, that hat is up for bid on
eBay (proceeds going to charity) and some wicked whackjob has bid
over $130 large for the right to prance around in front of his
mirror wearing this piece of millineryhistory. Now
that's WHACKY!!!
Congratulations, whoever you are!!!
WinoJohn May 22, 2011
Weiner of the Week
New York is in the news again. This time, the
television stations and the web news outlets are buzzing over the Empire
State because of the antics of one of it's leaders. Yes,
ladies and gentlemen (mostly ladies...), you, too, can have a torrid sexting relationship with a real US Congressman. Just follow
Congressman Anthony Weiner on Twitter or friend him on Facebook and
he will send you your very own personal photos of his junk. Is this a
great country or what?
Yes, New Yorkers have never been more proud of their
elected officials. Anthony "The" Weiner has recently admitted
having inappropriate communications with at least 6 or 7 women over
the past couple years. And by that, he means that he
sent photos of his wiener to women that he "met" on the internet.
There are more reports today that he was communicating with a 17 year old
girl in Delaware although their is no evidence that she ever got a
glimpse of his manhood.
The liberal elite are coming out in his
defense. Barbara Walters has stated that the pictures of
Weiner's wiener are "flattering". In her opinion, there is no
reason he should resign. Fellow disgraced Democrat,
Representative Charles Rangel said that Weiner did nothing wrong
because he "didn't sleep with prostitutes or touch little boys..."
I guess in his circle, that's the only thing that constitutes "doing
something wrong." Rangel also said that the press should "get
off his back". I guess their is honor among scum.
Many people seem surprised that Congressman Weiner
could be capable of such questionable behavior. Even his wife
is reportedly shocked and dismayed. I'm sure she must
have seen some signs early in their relationship...
Could there have been any
indications
that Weiner might be a dick?
Congratulations, New York. All of America is
proud of you.
WinoJohn June 11, 2011
Poor Unfortunate
Bastard of the Week
Apparently, some of you winos were beginning to
complain that we kept our Wiener of the Week winner (Congressman
Anthony Weiner) on this page for more than a month. Well, all
I can say is that it was a slow news month and Congressman Weiner
was a tremendous wiener. But we're back and check this out...
We were all set to name Philip A. Contos as our
latest Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the Week. You may
remember Phillip, he was the New York state motorcyclist that
recently went on a ride with 550 other bikers to protest New York's
helmet law. In a show of unity and protest, these bikers all
took off their helmets and snubbed their noses at the law.
Well, one thing led to another and poor Philip ended up locking up
his brakes, fishtailing and getting thrown over his handlebars.
He smacked his melon on the pavement and woke up dead. Medical
experts on the scene stated that he would no doubt have survived the
accident had he been wearing a helmet! The poor
unfortunate bastard...
But, as unfortunate as that story may be, it is not
enough to earn Philip the PUBotW honor. No, that distinction
really must go to the husband of Catherine Kieu Becker. You
may have heard, last week Ms. Becker was arrested in Southern
California for drugging her husband, tying him to his bed, and
cutting off his penis. Wait... WHAT??? OUCHHHH!!!NOOO!!! That's just WRONG!!! Oh yeah, she also
ground up the severed member in the garbage disposal. (Hmmm...
if they manage to reattach his missing Johnson, this story will
certainly qualify for Wiener of the Week honors...!)
According to the Associated Press, Ms. Becker has been charged with "aggravated mayhem,
false imprisonment, assault with a deadly weapon, administering a
drug with intent to commit a felony, poisoning and spousal abuse." C'mon, really?
"Aggravated mayhem"? The woman just Bobbitted her husband!
She's being charged with the equivalent of creating a "brouhaha" or
"chaos" or "confusion"??? (Seriously, I looked it up.)
This woman should be charged with something like Double Secret
Felony Peniscide or, better yet, MANslaughter!
The victim has not been named presumably because it
will already be hard enough for him to get a date. No need to
put his name out there... So, Mr. Becker (how cool would it
have been if his surname was actually Pecker?), you, my friend, are
this week's Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the Week. You have our
congratulations (and sympathies).
Catherine Kieu Becker
WARNING: Do NOT let this woman near your manhood.
WinoJohn July 16, 2011
WinoNation of the Week
Back in April of 2010, we first recognized the
collective efforts of an entire nation in the pursuit of (in this
case, excessive) alcohol consumption.
Back then, it was the UK that stood out from the crowd.
(Missed that little tidbit? click
here...) Well, this week, we recognize the efforts of
a bunch of hot, young female winemakers in attracting attention to
their national treasures... This week, we are proud to
honor the entire nation of Austria
as WinoNation of the Week!
In a story entitled
"Young Austrian Winemakers Strip Off for Calendar",
Decanter.com reports that a bunch of young (hot) Austrian
female winemakers got together in their frilly little underthings
and had a pillow fight followed by a game of truth or dare
and some "experimentation"... Uhhh, wait...
what? Sorry... I got a little carried away
there...
Where was I? Oh yeah... These lovely and
talented winemakers were brought together by publisher Ellen
Ledermüller-Reiner to pose for a calendar. I'm sure that the
goal was to attract attention to the Austrian wine business but the
article never actually says that. Or else I just missed it...
Who knows? Maybe they just wanted to sell calendars. All
I know is that I clicked through to the
calendar site and I
must say, this calendar should attract attention to the
Austrian wine business. I may even start drinking Austrian
wines myself. See? It worked! In fact, if you probe
around the web site a little bit, it looks like those rascally
Austrians have been doing these risqué calendars for a few years.
Damn it, WinoBob! Who's in charge of researching hot young
winemaker babes on calendars??? This news item nearly slipped
by unreported! Geez....
Anyway, congratulations, Austria, you are our
WinoNation of the Week!
A few images from the Austrian Calendar... Enjoy!
WinoJohn August 13, 2011
Meeting of the Wino Minds!
Last week, a monumental event took place in northern New Jersey.
WinoBob, The Other Bob, yours truly and a childhood friend of
WinoBob (we'll call him Some Dude Named Rich) all got together during normal business hours for a little "off site"
activity. This was not your typical Monday afternoon golf
outing in the rain (although it was Monday afternoon and it was
raining...). No, this was a coming together of some of the
greatest wine-consuming minds in the nation
state tri-county area (plus Some Dude Named Rich).
Wow, that's huge!
Yes, the three wine industry giants (and Some Dude Named Rich) all
got together to support a very worthwhile cause (while also enjoying
a few chuckles). The outing was actually a charity event
benefiting The Sons of Italy or The Brothers of Sicily or The
Cousins of Luigi or something like that. I'm not quite sure.
I know it had an Italian theme, however. The event was very
well organized by the lovely and talented Mrs. WinoBob who was ably
assisted by their daughter, the young and hot
affable Brittany. Despite the weather, it was a fun event for
a worthy cause. The Sons of Italy donate millions of dollars
every year to a variety of local charities. And, unlike the
door prizes at the golf outing, you don't have to be Italian to
benefit from their charitable works!
While the golf was enjoyable and the food was outstanding,
the hushed topic of conversation throughout the outing seemed to
revolve around WinoJohn's pasty white legs. I guess a bunch of
rain-soaked Italians had never seen a real Irishman's legs.
True, my legs sort of bring a tear to your eye (if you look directly
at them, they sort of bring a burning sensation to your eye, but I
digress...) However, the unspoken horror that was on
everyone's mind during the awards ceremony was actually much worse.
Much to Mrs. WinoBob's chagrin, WinoBob rocked an interesting pair
of salmon-colored pants at the reception. Oh, and he has
man-boobs...
WinoJohn, WinoBob, Some Dude Named Rich and The Other Bob
enjoy a round of golf for a worthy cause...
And what did we all learn from a day supporting this
charitable cause? Let's see...
The young and hot affable
Brittany tortures her dad by drinking wine out of a box.
That's cool...
Frolicking in a bowl full of Italian beach water
is not enough to earn a pasty white-legged Irishman even a
simple door prize.
Salmon-colored pants are not appropriate for any
occasion
The traditional Italian "kiss on the cheek" is
really just a thinly-veiled attempt on the part of many
perverted Italian men to hit on the lovely and talented and the
young and hot affable WinoBob women. And
Bob doesn't even realize it...
Thanks again, Jean Anne and Brittany!
WinoJohn August 23, 2011
September 11, 2011
WE REMEMBER...
WinoJohn September 11, 2011
WE'RE BACK!
Wow. That was a disaster. The WinoStuff
Supercomputing Center crashed. Hard. That was painful.
I'm not even sure what happened. I think the electrons in our
supercomputing CPU got wind of the report from Switzerland that some
CERN scientists clocked a neutrino traveling faster than the speed
of light. That was all they needed to hear. The
electrons made a dash for daylight and got caught up in a traffic
jam on the motherboard. You can imagine what happened next...
(If you can't imagine what happened next, I'm just wasting my time
explaining this whole scenario to you.)
But we're back up and running, albeit temporarily. You see,
I'm in the process of building the next uber server to host all
things WinoStuff. Until that task is complete, we're limping
along on some 1990s technology. (It's still better than the
Mac-something that WinoBob uses to surf porn, but that's another
story...)
So now that we're back, so what? I'll tell you so what.
We have our latest Wino of the Week! Check this out...
A substitute elementary school teacher in Santa Fe
was fired a few weeks ago after she was reportedly found passed out
drunk while on the job. That's right, local authorities found
Jill Lyle unconscious one Friday afternoon at Chaparral
Elementary School in an office connected to a classroom. Officials
said Lyle was found with a cup next to her and the contents of the
cup "had an odor of alcohol". Lt. Louis Carlos told reporters,
"We do not know how much, or if any for that matter, had been
consumed, but we do believe it was a cup containing wine there with
her in the classroom."
Here's the best part... No charges will be
filed against Lyle because the incident occurred "around
lunchtime", when students were not directly under her care!
Jill got whacked from her job anyway. The terms and specific
reasons for Lyle's termination are not being made public.
Congratulations, Jill, you are our Wino of the
Week!
Oh yeah. One other thing... As for those
speedy neutrinos, I don't believe it. First of all, the report
came out of Switzerland. The report was probably written in
French and was probably released "around lunchtime"...
You know how that goes. These funny little science faux pas
happen all the time. Nothing to get excited about. But I
digress...
(Keep your fingers crossed that the patched-up server keeps
functioning until the new box comes on line...)
WinoJohn October 7, 2011
Wino of the Week!
This week, we meet another party girl that likes to
drink a wee bit too much and then go out and get herself into trouble. Check
this out...
A few weeks ago, police in Bainbridge County, Ohio,
clocked a car doing like 128 MPH at 4am on Route 422. The
driver of the car refused to pull over and the police had to use
those cool spike strips to flatten the tires on the vehicle.
Here's where it gets noteworthy...
When the vehicle eventually came to a stop, the
police ordered the driver of the car to exit the vehicle. Much
to their surprise, the driver was a woman, topless, wearing only a
G-string and tennis shoes. (WinoBob is the only other
individual I know that enjoys getting hammered, putting on a nice
G-string, and driving like a bat out of hell. But I
digress...) The culprit in this case is named Erin
Holdsworth and she is no stranger to the Bainbridge County jail
having been previously convicted of drunk driving, unauthorized use
of a motor vehicle, falsification and a loud noise/disturbance.
(Yes, that's right, a loud noise/disturbance!!)
Fortunately for us, the police cruiser's dash-cam got the whole
capture thing on tape. Once handcuffed and put into the back of the
police car, the "ugly drunk" came out and Ms.
Holdsworth proceeded to try to kick out the windows of the police
car. Again, the police cameras were rolling, giving us all a
nice muff shot of Ms. Holdsworth. Her mother must be very proud...
Thank goodness this picture is digitally blurred as that is some
angry vaj...
WinoStuff's Wino of the Week - Erin Holdsworth
Congratulations, Erin!
WinoJohn October 27, 2011
Father/Son Tag Team
Winos of the Week!
It takes a strong stomach to
join this club. Check it out...
Ron Franscell and his son,
Matt, from San Antonio, Texas decided to take a road trip to The Great
White North before Matt went off to college. While there, they
wanted to join an exclusive club... The Sourtoe Cocktail Club.
Sound interesting? Read on...
The Sourtoe Cocktail is a
rather disgusting beverage served in only one place in the world: The
Sourdough Saloon in Dawson City, a town 300 miles from the Arctic Circle
in Canada's Yukon Territory. This nasty cocktail is just what it sounds
like -- a shot of any type of hard alcohol served in a glass with a
dehydrated human toe, mummified in salt. According to the rules,
the nasty toe must touch the drinker's lips during the drink's
consumption for the drinker to earn the distinction of being a true "Sourtoer."
According to legend, a man
known as Capt. Dick Stevenson started this tradition in 1973. He is said
to have discovered the original toe in a cabin that he purchased, which
had previously belonged to a trapper who had lost his big toe to
frostbite and put it in a jar. Other toes have since been donated
and are kept in pickling salt when not being slurped. Saloon officials
say the high alcohol content in the whisky, vodka and other booze keeps
the toes sterile, despite being in the mouths of as many as a few dozen
people on a given night.
Mmmm, mmmm... That's some good toe!
The experience inspired the
elder Franschell to write a book entitled "The Sourtoe Cocktail Club:
The Yukon Odyssey of a Father and Son in Search of a Mummified Toe ...
And Everything Else". Nice title, dad.
So, uhhh yeah... there
you have it. Sourtoe. Congratulations, guys, you are our
first Father/Son Tag Team Winos of the Week. Ugghhhh...
WinoJohn November 6, 2011
Wino Giant of the Week!!!
How often do you see this?
A giant decides that he wants to sell wine. That's right, it
doesn't happen every day. Well it happened recently when Chinese
giant, Yao Ming, decided that he was getting into the wine business.
And where do Chinese giants go when they want to open a winery?
Napa Valley, of course.
Last week, eight time NBA All
Star, Yao Ming announced the opening of Yao Family Wines. (I would
have thought that he would call this new venture Ming Family
Wines but what do I know? I'm a zero time NBA All Star...)
Mr. Ming (or is it Mr. Yao?) stands 7 feet 6 inches tall and is
generally considered to be a god in his native China (where the average
adult male stands a mere 4 ft 6 inches tall...). Yao plans
to offer his initial bottling, the Yao Family Napa Cab, at $289 per
bottle! (Coincidentally, the average adult male in China earns
$289 per month!) Later this year, the Yao Family Reserve
Cabernet will go on sale for like $1.21 gigabucks, which is a lot...
Naturally, Yao partnered with
some Napa Valley veterans to make his wines. Tom Hind is the
President and Director of Winemaking at Yao Wines and Larry Bradley is
Consulting Viticulturist. Both of these gentlemen have extensive
backgrounds in Napa winemaking. There is no word on who will
handle the sales and marketing functions at Yao Family Wines...
Yao Ming is seen here conducting an interview for a
Sales and Marketing executive...
Good luck on your new venture
Mr. Yao... er... Ming...
WinoJohn December 3, 2011
Wino of the Week!
How many times has this
happened to you...? You're driving along some back road after a
night of heavy drinking. Your buddies are in the car with you, the
music is cranked up loud and all of a sudden...
BAM
! you hit something!!! Wait! What was
that??? You all get out of the car and find an injured deer in the
road and a big dent in the front of your car. Damn it! That
sucks. Now what do we do...?
Most people would curse the
deer, blame their friends for making too much noise in the car, hop back
in the car and speed away before anyone else gets wind of the incident.
(Or, if you are my father-in-law, you might quickly field dress the
deer, mount the carcass to the hood of your car and drive it straight to
the slaughterhouse... But I digress...). However, if your
name is Andrew Caswell from Greece, NY, you might suddenly feel guilty
over the brutal collision with another one of God's creatures, determine
that their may still be time to save the deer, load it
into the trunk of your car and attempt to drive it to the hospital!!!
Of course, that's precisely what Andy Caswell from Greece NY did last
week. Yeah, Andy wasn't exactly thinking straight...
While Andy and pals were
driving the injured animal to a HUMAN hospital, some locals residents
(who had heard the commotion surrounding the decision to try and save
the deer) called police and gave a description of Andy's vehicle.
Shortly thereafter, Andy was pulled over and charged with DUI. (Andy's
BAC was .16!)
Oh yeah, the deer died.
So, Andy, was it all worth it?
The drinking, the driving, the deer killing, not to mention the
embarrassment of the DUI? I guess the only good thing to come of
all this is your winning WINO OF THE WEEK honors!!!
Congratulations, big guy!
WinoJohn December 23, 2011
Celebrity Train Wreck of the Week
A while back, we introduced the
concept of Celebrity Train Wreck of the Week. You remember,
Britney Spears had a meltdown, shaved her head and became our inaugural
CTWotW. Although never earning official Celebrity Train Wreck
status, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have each been honored on these
pages for behavior detrimental to sustaining life and could easily have
been CTWotW.. This week, we honor another celebrity (also a winolicious
babe!) with the potential to check out at any time. You know her
from her roles on TJ Hooker, Dynasty, Melrose Place and more. Yes,
ladies and gents, our Celebrity Train Wreck of the Week is none other
than... Heather Locklear!
The lovely and talented Ms.
Locklear has a long history of intoxication "issues" (she has been
arrested several times for DUI and family members have called 911
several times over the years due to her drug and alcohol abuse.)
Last week, emergency medical personnel rushed Heather to the Los Robles
Hospital in Thousand Oaks, CA for treatment of drug and alcohol
consumption. Fortunately, she was released the following day and
is reported to be "out of danger".
While Heather can sometimes be an ugly drunk...
...her mug shot is not half bad, and...
she cleans up pretty well!!!
(Note: I want to state
that everything in this article pertaining to Ms. Locklear and her
problems are entirely ALLEGED. There are two
reasons for this: 1) I'm sure her big time Hollywood lawyers are
much more skilled than the WinoStuff lawyers over at the law firm of Dewey, Cheetem and
Howe, and 2) I think I might still have a shot with her...).
Congratulations, Heather!
WinoJohn January 12, 2012
Space Wine!
There's a British dude living in Chile that claims to have launched the
first space wine... or at least the first space-infused wine.
(Why doesn't it surprise anyone that a Brit would come up with this
idea. Brits are like uber-winos. British life seems
to revolve around alcohol and excessive consumption. But I
digress...)
It seems that this guy named Ian Hutcheon bought a vineyard in Chile and
borrowed a small piece of meteorite from one of his pals and now he's making
wine... with the meteorite in the fermentation barrel. Those
whacky Brits crack me up...
Ian first selects the grapes from his vineyard and then
ferments the fruit for 25 days before beginning the year-long malolactic
fermentation process. Inside the fermentation barrel sits the three-inch long
piece of space debris. After 12 months, the wine is blended with another batch
of Cabernet Sauvignon for the perfect balance of Earth and space.
Yeah....
Ian says that by drinking his wine, "You are tasting
space, in a way. You are physically tasting elements of the solar system
and of the history of the meteorite that spent millions of years
orbiting the asteroid belt between Mars and Jupiter." (I'm
thinking that Ian has spent a little time orbiting the asteroid belt
himself...). The
meteorite crashed into Chile's Atacama Desert about 6,000 years ago and
was lent to the British wino by an American meteorite collector.
(Seriously. Who collects meteorites???)
The wine, called Meteorito, is only sold at the Tagua
Tagua Astronomy Center, established by Hutcheon in 2007, where visitors can
sip the wine while observing the stars and planets in the Astronomy
Center's observatory.
The first batch of Meteorito produced around 2,600 gallons and sells for about $10 a bottle.
Ian Hutcheon and Meteorito
WinoJohn February 4, 2012
WinoStuff All-Star Weekend!
With the NBA All Star festivities playing out this weekend, the staff of WinoStuff decided to get
early start on the all
star frenzy. If you follow pro hoops (or if you have a pulse and
read a newspaper), the whole country is abuzz over Jeremy Lin, the
undrafted, Harvard-educated, Taiwanese-American basketball player who
has reinvigorated the haphazard New York Knicks and has probably added
hundreds of millions of dollars to the NBA corporate coffers in the
process. His out-of-control style and winning ways have earned him
the nickname "LINsanity". Well, the crew at 'Stuff wanted to be
part of the action. So last weekend, we had our own All-Star
VINsanity Weekend. The only venue large enough to hold such a
gathering was the wine cellar at the palatial Wally Estate. Here's
how it went down...
Just as the NBA starts off with a Slam Dunk competition, the WinoStuff
All Star Weekend started off with a Dam Drunk competition.
WinoBob, the 10-time defending Dam Drunk champion (and a shoe-in for the
Dam Drunk Hall of Fame), stole the show, winning his 11th straight title
(and ending up in the local county jail's drunk tank.) He missed
the main event and what was perhaps the best showing of All Star red
wines in WinoStuff memory. (WinoStuff memory is not very good,
what with all the red wines and all...)
While security policies at the palatial Wally Estate won't allow us to
show actual footage of the event, we can show you the starting lineup.
Check this out...
There were more All Stars consumed at the two day event but after a few
hours of this VINsanity, my ability to put my cell phone into camera
mode became quite limited. I think you get the picture...
Thanks, Wally! Needless to say, I'm looking forward to March
Madness!!
WinoJohn February 24, 2012
Fruit Fly Research!
Yes, my wino friends, WinoStuff.com is the place to come to get the
latest information and updates on fruit fly research. (Not
that we are doing any actual fruit fly research. We are just
reporting on the research being done by other eggheads in the field.)
How does fruit fly research meet the demanding requirements of a
WinoStuff Breaking News!!! update, you may ask? Read
on...
It seems that some whacky neurobiologist researchers at the University
of California San Francisco performed an experiment on two groups of
male fruit flies. One of the groups (of fruit flies, not
neurobiologists) had just "had their way" with a group of female fruit
flies. (We'll call this the "satisfied" group"). The other
group (of fruit flies, not neurobiologists) had been denied interaction
with the ladies. (We'll call this group, the "horny group").
After four days of this tomfoolery, the scientists allowed each group of
flies to choose whether to feed on a mixture of 1) yeast and sugar or,
2) yeast, sugar and ALCOHOL. (See? That's what makes this a
WinoStuff-worthy Breaking News story!!!)
Well, as you may have guessed, the "satisfied group" tended to feed on
the yeast and sugar mix while the "horny group" tended to hit the
alcohol-infused mixture. The group (of neurobiologists, not fruit
flies) went on to report that each group of fruit flies had distinctly
different levels of some brain chemical called Neuropeptide F (NPF).
It is believed that a lack of female interaction resulted in low levels
of NPF in the brains of the "horny group" causing them to crave alcohol.
Conversely, high levels of NPF in their brains caused the "satisfied
group" to pass on the alcohol. More importantly, the group (of
neurobiologists, not fruit flies) are theorizing that a similar brain
chemical in humans (Neuropeptide Y or NPY) may cause similarities in
human behavior...
This alarming study raises several important questions:
1) How much Obama money
did we waste on a study just to come to the conclusion that horny human
men crave alcohol??? DUHHH!!!! You could visit any bar
in America at 2:05 am and come to the same conclusion!!!
2) The group (of
neurobiologists, not fruit flies) consisted of scientists named Ulrike
Heberlein, Galit Shohat-Ophir, Karla R. Kaun and Reza Azanchi. How much
alcohol do you think they consume?
3) Given the results
observed in fruit flies and hypothesizing that a similar inverse
relationship exists between NPY levels and alcohol consumption in
humans, how much NPY do you think would be found in WinoBob's brain?
4) How big is the budget
for alcohol research at UCSF and how do I apply for admission?
Well, I'm off to Asia next
week, people, so you're on your own for a while. Wish me ruck!
WinoJohn March 24, 2012
Wino of the Week!
This week, we pay tribute to a wino named Jenna Marbles. She bills
herself as a "Blogger and Entertainer..." Well, I'm definitely
entertained. Here she is performing a public service for all
(female) winos who go at it more than once a day. Check this out
and you'll understand...
Congratulations, Jenna, and
keep up the good work!
WinoJohn May 13, 2012
Poor Unfortunate Wino Bastard of
the Week
This week, we combine two of our most popular Breaking News
features: Wino of the Week and Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the Week.
It's unusual for any one individual to qualify for both awards so
this is a very special week indeed.
Let me present to you a Colorado woman named Zoey Ripple (even her
name sounds like a wino...). Zoey recently graduated from the
University of Colorado where, and I'm just guessing here, she
partied pretty hard. Well, it seems that Zoey got good and
liquored up a few weeks ago, so much so that she forgot where she
lived (or couldn't find her house). Regardless of her
intentions, Zoey wandered into a home (not her home) through an
unlocked door. At 3:30 in the morning. We find out later
that her blood alcohol content was 3 times the legal limit.
Way to go, girl!!!
If that were the end of the story, Zoey might qualify
for Wino of the Week honors. But no. there's more...
It seems that Zoey, in her drunken stupor, awoke the owners of the
home. Being startled by a stranger in their home at 3:30 in
the a.m., the homeowners pulled out their trusty pistol and shot
Zoey. In the head. (Some reports have her getting shot
in the hip but getting shot in the head is so much cooler...)
Ouch!!!
Don't worry, the Ripplemeister is OK. She was taken to the
hospital and is doing well.
Now if that isn't enough to qualify her for both Wino of the Week
and Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the Week, check this out...
The police are charging her with felony trespassing!!! Damn.
That's cold. Girl has a little too much to drink, accidentally
stumbles into the wrong house, gets SHOT and now she's going to
jail. The poor unfortunate wino bastard...
I don't see any head wounds so Zoey must have been shot in the hip.
After checking out her mug shot, Zoey was very nearly named our
first Triple Crown Winner. (Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the
Week, Wino of the Week and WinoBabe of the Month) A shot
to the head could have put her over the top...
Congratulations, Zoey. You are our PUWBotW
WinoJohn June 3, 2012
Wino of
the Week
How many times has this happened to you...? You're out driving
on unfamiliar roads, using your trusty GPS for directions, when the
device suddenly tells you to TURN LEFT although this instruction
clearly seems to be wrong... Well that very scenario played
out with unfortunate results for this week's Wino of the Week.
Check this out...
Last week, Patricia Maione of Uxbridge, MA was driving along,
minding her own business, when her GPS told her to turn. Patty
blindly followed directions and ended up in a cornfield! So
what would you do if you found yourself in your car in a corn field?
Naturally, you would push the pedal to the metal and plow your way
out! Well, that's just what Ms. Maione did. When she
ultimately reached the end of the cornfield, her car launched 10
feet in the air and landed smack onto a golf course. Patricia,
who admits that she doesn't like golf, couldn't keep it in the
fairway and ended up..., you guessed it..., in the bunker.
Don't worry, Patty, we all end up in the bunker occasionally.
I know what you're thinking... You're thinking, "WinoJohn,
driving your Buick into a fairway bunker doesn't qualify you for
Wino of the Week honors! What's the rest of the story?"
OK, you know me too well. Here's the qualifying details.
Wally, do you get relief if your ball ends up in the Bunker
Buick?
Earlier in the day, Patricia downed a half liter of vodka and
violated a restraining order by breaking into her former boyfriend's
house to take some stuff. Police were notified of her erratic
driving and were actually searching for her at the time of the
mishap. Once she was safely parked in the bunker, police found
a "large Burger King cup containing an alcoholic beverage in her
car." Nice job, Pat!!!
Ms. Maione was arrested and charged with
driving with a suspended license; drunken driving (her fourth
offense), negligent driving; and driving with an open container of
alcohol in the car. She was being held on $10,000 cash bail.
Her release on personal recognizance was revoked for two pending
cases, including an arraignment on June 4 on drug charges and an
arraignment on April 30 for disorderly conduct and resisting arrest.
Yeah. She qualifies for WotW.
Congratulations, Patricia!!!
WinoJohn June 25, 2012
Subatomic Wino Particle of
the Week!
Yeah, yeah, yeah... I know. It's the Fourth of July...
Bombs bursting in air... Barbeque in the back yard. We
get it... (Try not to set yourself on fire or blow yourself up
this Independence Day...) But check this out...
This year's Independence Day brings some really BIG news...
Actually, it's really pretty small news... Subatomically small
news. You can't even see this news it's so small. But
you know it's there. Today, the wino scientists over there at
the CERN Large Hadron Supercollider announced that they think that
they have found the Holy Grail of subatomic particles,
the Higgs boson. Now
that's cool!
For those of you who, like I, have been tirelessly searching for the
Higgs boson (and I can't believe there are many of you who have NOT
at least given it some thought), you can go back about your
business. It's been found. The search is over. Go
home.
For those of you who may not be part of the boson cognoscenti, the
Higgs boson is the uber particle. In quantum theory, elementary
particles are divided into two rough categories: fermions, which are bits of
matter like electrons, and bosons, which are bits of energy and can transmit
forces, like the photon that transmits light. Simply put, the Higgs boson
is to matter what WinoStuff is to the internet. It's the most
important thing.
Today's announcement is an
impressive accomplishment for the
Large Hadron Collider, the world’s
biggest physics machine. The
LHC blasts protons at each other to
see what happens when they collide.
They only plugged the damn thing in
a couple years ago and it's still
only operating at about half-power.
Just wait until they turn it up to
11...
If you're still not getting it.
Here's some visual help...
Typical 4th of July Fireworks...
Typical 4th of July proton-proton
collision...
I think you get the point...
So raise your glasses today to
particle physics. There's
some amazing shit going on in the
supercolliding labs. Pay
attention.
Oh yeah, let's celebrate
independence, too.
WinoJohn July 4, 2012
Winos of
the Week!
Wow. All that celebrating
over the Subatomic Wino Particle of the Week just got out of
control. That was a blast. I crawled out of bed today
and noticed that we had been celebrating the Higgs boson for 3
weeks. Damn. That was a good ride... But now, back
to business.
This week we recognize the drunken
antics of a Fort Wayne, Indiana couple. Earlier this year, a
guy named Aaron Stefanski was partying with his girlfriend, Jessica
Clark. Now, I wasn't there but I'm guessing the day went something
like this... The two adults were just hanging out, having a
few brewskies while they watched their 4 kids, ages 4 to 7.
(Three were his and one was hers.) There was nothing going on,
they were all bored, so Aaron decides to take the kids for a car
ride. Nothing outlandish, just a quick ride around the corner.
(Probably not a good idea given that he and Jess had been drinking
but whatever...)
So the two adults, making safety a
priority, strap the kids onto the hood of the car and take off down
the road. Everything seemed to be going fine when...
Wait... WHAT??? They STRAPPED THE KIDS ONTO THE HOOD OF
THE CAR???? No. Seriously. They
strapped the kids, ONTO THE HOOD OF THE CAR?? And DROVE OFF??
DRUNK!!!
Now that's some responsible
parenting.
Fortunately, they didn't get very
far. A local shop owner saw the kids strapped to the
deathmobile and called the cops. A Breathalizer revealed that
Stefanski's blood-alcohol content was 0.17. That's a pretty
good buzz. I think the legal limit for driving with live
pediatric hood ornaments is like 0.08. I could be wrong...
Last week, Stefanski pleaded guilty to three felony
counts of neglect of a dependent, as well as a felony charge of
operating a motor vehicle while intoxicated. Four misdemeanor
charges of criminal recklessness, four child restraint infractions
and an infraction for driving without insurance will be dismissed
when he is sentenced.
The case against Jessica, who is charged with felony
neglect of a dependent, is set for trial next month.
Congratulations, idiots. You
are our latest Winos of the Week!
WinoJohn July 24, 2012
Olympic Record Wino of
the Week!
If you are anything like the
WinoJohn family, you just finished enjoying the London Olympics.
(If you are anything like WinoJohn himself, you especially enjoyed
the Women's Beach Volleyball competition! But I digress...)
Anyway, it seems that the whole
world was overtaken with the Olympic spirit and the urge to compete.
Apparently, one wino took it a little bit too far...
A guy named Justin A. Clark of Iowa City, IA was
arrested recently after police received numerous reports of a man
driving a car, colliding with curbs and racing his engine.
When police located Justin, he was sitting in the driver's seat of
his car and he was unable to respond to the officer's questions.
(Although, when the police asked him what day it was, he was able to
respond, "Three, but now it's four.") The technical term for
Justin's condition is called "hammered". Maybe "polluted".
I'd even go so far as "wasted".
But perhaps none of these terms are superlative
enough to describe Mr. Clark's actual condition. I think that,
in the true Olympic spirit, we could award Justin the Gold Medal for
Drunkenness. After all, his blood alcohol content may have set
a new world record. Healthcare and law enforcement officials
all agreed. They had never seen nor heard of a BAC reading
that high (other than that shadowy stick figure that goes by the
nickname "WinoBob"). The J-man's blood alcohol came in at...
wait for it... 0.627! Now that's an Olympic
effort!
Just to give you a little insight into the magnitude
of Justin's achievement, the lethal BAC reading is generally
considered to be about 0.3.
So, Olympic-sized congratulations
go out to Justin Clark. JC, you
are our very first Olympic Record Wino of the Week!
(And you were very nearly a Darwin award winner!)
WinoJohn August 15, 2012
Wino of
the Week!
Hey! Check this out. It's been so long
since I updated this lame site that I actually stumbled upon my
birthday. That's right, today is my birthday! And, in
true WinoStuff spirit, I'm honoring MYSELF, WinoJohn, as
Wino of the Week.
Yeah, I can do that. I don't even need to ask for
permission!!!
So, what qualifies me as Wino of the Week you may
ask? (Go ahead and ask. I dare you. You'll find
your face Photoshopped on some Limey Dork Hugh Johnson-like body and
prominently featured on these pages, damn it!!)
So, here's my B-Day WotW story.
1) I drank a lot of wine. On my birthday.
And on the day before my birthday. And I'll drink a lot on
the day after my birthday. I'll really put my liver to the
test and I'm confident that my liver will emerge victorious.
Period. End of story. I AM... the Wino of the
Week!!!
2) Shut up. There is no number 2).
As you probably know (if you read the drunken
ramblings of one WinoBob, today was also Bruce Springsteen's
birthday. You may not know that today is also Ray Charles'
B-day. And Jason Alexander's (George Costanza, not the dork
that married Britney Spears), and Mickey Rooney's, and Julio
Iglesias, and John Coltrane's. And I, WinoJohn, drank more
wine on this highest of holy days than all the others combined.
I think that qualifies me as WotW!
So, here's a picture of me enjoying my big day.
Happy B-Day to me!!!
WinoJohn September 23, 2012
Superstorm Sandy Survival Story!
Wow. That was unbelievable. I never saw that one coming.
Next time, I'll be better prepared...
Here's the abbreviated timeline of events:
Day 1 - Monday evening. The storm was predicted to hit
the Jersey shore on Tuesday morning so there was no real concern
yet. The Wife and I were sitting in the WinoJohn living room,
preparing for the storm. And by "preparing" I mean I was
playing my guitar and drinking a glass of something Italian.
The winds were blowing but it seemed to be just "another storm".
Then POW!!! The lights went out.
The TV turned off. Life was about to change...
Day 2 thru 4 - The first few nights were kind of quaint.
We dined by candlelight and we followed the path of the storm on a
battery-powered AM radio. We lost a few trees and some
shingles off the roof. We heard about the devastation along
the coast and we prayed for those who were suffering much more than
we were. Somehow, we managed to endure the hardship by
charging our electronic devices from the car and sipping wine by the
fireplace.
Day 5 thru 8 - The nights had gotten very cold. We were
forced to check into a hotel... (next to a Ruth's Chris Steakhouse.
We were truly "roughing it".) Many gas stations had no power
and those that did had developed LONG lines. Hundreds of cars
lined up for a bit of precious fuel while those with generators
stood in line with their red 5-gallon gas cans. Our familiar
home environment was becoming somewhat apocalyptic.
Day 9 to 10 - The hotel was comfortable... while it
lasted. Our time ran out. No more room at the hotel.
No rooms at any hotel. We had to return home. There was
a Nor'easter coming and there was snow in the forecast. We
still had no power and the temperature in the house had dropped to
36 degrees. The worst part was... WinoBob had power!!!
The bastard sent me a picture of himself dancing in his home in his
underwear with all the lights on and the thermostat set at 85.
I thought my head would explode!
Day 11 - We had burned all the firewood and most of the
living room furniture. The house was maintaining a temperature
just above freezing. We couldn't stay another night in the
house... I bribed/threatened the guy at the front desk of
another hotel. We got a room. I was becoming crazed with
survival instincts. I was putting together a plan to storm the
WinoBob house, lash WinoBob to a lolly column, and drink all his
wine. It sounds crazy now but it made a lot of sense at the
time...
Day 12 - Back home again. I had my guns packed in my
backpack, I had water and survival equipment in the jeep. I
was headed out to who knows where when I spotted them. The
linemen. The electrical utility linemen. At the end of
my street. I wasn't quite sure if I was hallucinating or if
they were real. I decided give them the benefit of the doubt.
And by that, I mean that they had one hour to get electricity
flowing into my house or things were going to get ugly. Butt
ugly...
Fortunately, the story ends there. Within minutes, my house
was aglow. My long personal nightmare lasted 12 days, 3 hours,
45 minutes. Thank goodness that's over. Unfortunately,
while I was off the grid, I hear there was an election. I
understand our long national nightmare will continue for four more
years... Sigh...
WinoJohn November 12, 2012
Wino of the Week!
Yeah... It's about time. Let's get back to business here...
This week we recognize the tremendous efforts of that dude on the
IcelandAir flight in an attempt to destroy his liver at 35,000 feet.
What? You didn't hear about him? Check this out...
Passengers on a recent IcelandAir flight from Reykjavik, Iceland to
JFK in New York reported that a guy got a little inebriated and
perhaps crossed the line slightly. The actual report goes like
this:
He
drank an entire bottle
of some duty free
alcohol. Then he tried
grabbing the women who
were sitting next him
screaming that we're
going to crash. Finally
he started choking a guy
next to him and that's
when a huge crowd
restrained him and tied
him up. This was 2 hours
into a 6 hour flight.
Yeah.
That's the guy I usually get
stuck sitting next to...
Other reports have this guy
threatening the passengers
and crew and spitting on
anyone that walked by.
Yecchhh!!
Fortunately,
some able-bodied passengers
helped restrain the
out-of-control idiot with
tie-wraps and duct tape.
(Seriously... Who
travels with tie-wraps and
duct tape???). This
just goes to prove the old
adage that you can fix
anything with duct tape!
The guy was
taken into police custody in
New York and transported to
a local hospital. No
charges have been filed.
Yet...
An alert passenger snapped
this picture
of the unnamed alleged perpetrator...
Yeah...
I foresee more legal bills
in our immediate future.
WinoJohn January 5, 2013
Wino Excuse of the Week!
OK. I admit it. I’ve been a little lax in updating this idiotic
site. Ordinarily, no one notices (or at least no one says anything out of fear
of getting photoshopped into a compromising position and exposed on this
site!). WinoBob is typically the only one to rag on me but I expect that. He’s
usually intoxicated so I am never quite sure what he is saying anyway. I just
laugh it off and go on about my business. But recently, I realized that I had
gone way too long without posting anything. What was it that alerted me to
this fact? It was Wino Odd Job. At dinner recently, he casually commented
that we hadn’t updated the site in a long time and he never gives me shit.
Plus, I have tremendous respect for the guy. He’s a gentleman and a scholar not
to mention a captain of industry. You know you’re seriously delinquent when Wino OJ says
something. So here I am… guilty as charged.
Before I go any further, let me
take this opportunity to introduce a new award feature on
WinoStuff.com… Wino Excuse of the Week.
The basic premise to this new award is 1) you do something stupid
and then 2) you produce a totally lame excuse. It’s just that
easy! (My kids have been doing this for years!) Not
surprisingly, I am the inaugural winner of this new prestigious
award. (I also see myself earning this award quite frequently in
the future.)
So here is my stupid deed: I
failed to update the World’s Most Important Web Site for like a
month. Winos around the world were without timely wine news and
entertainment for weeks on end. And worst of all, I drew the ire of
Wino OJ. (Perhaps “ire” is too strong of a word. It was more like
I drew a half-hearted passing comment from Wino OJ. But that’s
still enough to earn this stupid award!!!)
And here are my excuses: (Yes, excuses! I’ve got lots of them.)
1) I got a new guitar.
2) I did my taxes.
3) George W. Bush.
4) I drive down to see my pop
once or twice a week.
5) I had a dentist
appointment.
6) I hurt my back.
7) It was cold out.
8) But mostly, I GOT A NEW
GUITAR!!!
There it is!!! It doesn’t get
much lamer than that. I didn’t update this site because I got a new
guitar. That is the first ever Wino Excuse
of the Week! Thank you. Thank you very much.
(Damn, that’s gonna look good on my resume!)
Here is a photo of the bridge on
my new (used) guitar. If you know anything about guitars, you
understand.
