Drugged-up Celebrity
Whore-Monger of
the Week
Wow!!! Who would have guessed it? We created a very
unique award called Drugged-up Celebrity Whore Monger of the Week
and it was specifically created to honor the antics of Charlie
Sheen. Who would have guessed that there would be another
celebrity that could fill Charlie's shoes? But there is. And
this week, we honor none other than the former NY Giants Hall of
Fame Linebacker, Lawrence Taylor. Congratulations, LT,
you are this week's WinoStuff.com Drugged-up Celebrity Whore
Monger of the Week!
As you may know, LT was arrested back in May and was charged with
statutory rape and soliciting a minor prostitute. The details
surrounding this sordid tale are a bit sketchy but LT apparently
paid a 16 year old girl $300 after having sex with her. She
may or may not have consented to sex with the former Giant and
another man, Rasheed Davis, was charged with unlawful imprisonment,
assault and endangering the welfare of a child for his role in
delivering the young girl to LT's motel room.
Well, this past week, Mr. Taylor pled guilty to two misdemeanors
including sexual misconduct and patronizing a prostitute.
Under the terms of his plea deal, Taylor agreed to pay a $1,400 fine and serve six years of
probation. He will also have to register as a sex offender in two states – New York and
Florida. In court, when the judge asked Taylor if he understood that by cutting
the plea deal, he was waiving his right to a trial by jury he
replied, “I fully understand.” The judge then asked him if he
accepted that he had sex with an underage girl and Taylor responded,
“She told me she was 19!” After a short pause, he then
acknowledged his wrong doing with a simple, “yes.”
(Note to WinoBob: The "SHE TOLD ME SHE WAS 19"
defense still doesn't work.)
It must be pointed out that there were no drug charges leveled
against LT during this incident and there was no evidence of drug
use while LT (statutorily) raped the 16 year old. This may
cause you to question whether he is actually deserving of the full
"Drugged-Up" adjective in his award. The WinoStuff Awards
Committee took these facts into consideration during the voting
phase and concluded that over the years, Taylor has become known for
his womanizing ways and his love of strip clubs and good times.
And by "good times", we mean alcohol and cocaine. As a result,
we are willing to give LT the benefit of the doubt and conclude that
he may have been whacked out on drugs at the time of
the crime and is therefore still deserving of this high honor.
Had Taylor been convicted of the original charges,
he could have faced more than 5 years in prison. That may not
have been so bad. He could have spent some quality time with a
few other former Giants players. Mark Ingram, a former receiver, is spending nearly 10 years in federal prison for money
laundering, bank fraud and bail jumping. Former kick returner, Dave
Meggett, was sentenced last year to 30 years for criminal sexual conduct and
burglary. And lazy but talented wide receiver Plaxico Buress is finishing
up his two year stint for extreme stupidity (with a gun).
WinoJohn
January 15, 2011
Nerds on the Loose!!!
I was out for a stroll on the information
superhighway recently, looking for some "super" news to report on
this, the most super of all Sundays (not counting that Sunday when
Desean Jackson put a nail in Eli's hopes of a return trip to the
playoffs... but I digress...) when I stumbled upon a very
interesting article. What happens when you mix Asian
uber-nerds, red wine and superconductors? Well, I'm not really
sure but let me just say this... some amazing shit happens,
that's what...
Check this out... Some Japanese
big-brain dude named Yoshihiko Takano and his buddies at the
National Institute for Materials Science in Japan were playing
around with some superconductors in the lab (who amongst us hasn't
done that!). They were soaking some of these superconducting
compounds in various liquids to measure the effect of the liquid on
the resistance of the compound. First they tried water, then
they tried a mixture of water and ethanol. It appears the process
was going well, because Yoshi and company decided to have a little
party. The party, as it turns out, included sake, whisky, various
wines, shochu, and beer. Those superconducting supergeeks really
know how to party!
As you probably guessed by now, the researchers got
a little "tipsy" and decided to try soaking the superconducting
compounds in some of the alcoholic beverages they had on hand to
determine how they compared to the more conventional soaking
liquids.
When they tested the resulting materials for
superconductivity, they found that the ones soaked in commercial
booze came out ahead! I won't bore you with all the
superdetails but suffice it to say that red wine was the best
soaking material, boosting superconductivity more than 62%!!!
The scientists were reported to have been "pleased" and "bemused"
with their results.
Pleased and bemused? If I was on that geek
squad, I would have been friggin' ecstatic! Maybe even
electrostatic!!! Who knows??? All this talk of wine and
superconductivity raises several important questions:
-
Why is it that when the Asian geeks get drunk,
they discover superconductivity breakthroughs and when I get
drunk, I discover that WinoBob had childhood "issues"?
-
What would happen to that whole Big Bang String
Theory issue if you soaked that in red wine? More
importantly, what would happen to Penny from the Bing Bang
Theory TV show if you soaked her in red wine???
-
WinoBob has been soaking in red wine for the
better part of 15 years. Is he superconducting?
Clearly, more research needs to be done and we're
just the red wine-drinking dweebs to carry out the task.

WinoBob performing some some experiments in the WinoStuff
Superconducting Superlabs...
WinoJohn
February 6, 2011
Summit In Silicon
Valley...
Power brokers from government and the private sector
got together this past week to brainstorm on jobs, the economy and
tech issues. That's right, President Obama sat down with some
uber-rich, ultra-powerful eggheads in Silicon Valley on Thursday,
not to assess how much more tax revenue he could squeeze out of a
dozen of the tech industries' most successful entrepreneurs.
Rather, the prez was reportedly looking for ideas on creating jobs
through investment in education and R&D. (Well, maybe he was
sporting a little tax woody by the end of the meeting... But I
digress...) Among those in attendance were Steve Jobs from
Apple, Mark Zuckerberg of Facebook, Eric Schmidt of Google, John
Chambers of Cisco, Larry Ellison from Oracle, and Carol Bartz from
Yahoo. Of course, WinoWally from WinoStuff.com was also
invited to attend. Wally had to decline, however, as he knew
that all of the other attendees would be jealous of his immense
wealth.
WinoBob, despite various court orders prohibiting
him from traveling within 100 yards of almost everyone else in
attendance, volunteered to sneak in sit in on the
meeting and the dinner in Wally's place.

President
Obama Meets with Tech Industry Heavyweights
White House news reports indicate
that, "The meeting was friendly and productive until one attendee
from a lame, wine-related web site started to make a scene."
You guessed it... WinoBob tossed back a few too many and began
to express his disdain for everything from the president's budget
proposal to interstate wine-shipping laws. As you can imagine,
WinoBob was soon asked to leave. (And by ‘asked to leave’, I
mean he was beaten to a pulp by the Secret Service, bound and
gagged, and unceremoniously dumped by the side of the road somewhere
in downtown Oakland…)
All told, the dinner’s elite
executives represented companies worth more than $938 billion. (Not
counting WinoStuff.com, of course.) We'll see what actually
comes from this meeting of the minds...
WinoJohn
February
19, 2011
Woman Arrested for DUI!!!
A 48 year old woman was arrested
by the Gainesville, Florida police department last month for Driving
Under the Influence. On Feb. 18 at 1:10 a.m., an officer
spotted Debra Oberlin driving erratically on Northwest 19th Street,
swerving and crossing lanes, the arrest report states.
The officer wrote that Oberlin smelled of alcohol
and had watery, bloodshot and dilated eyes. The report states that
Oberlin told the officer she had four beers. Debra was arrested after she had difficulty on a field sobriety test. She
registered a .234 and .239 on breath alcohol tests. (Florida's legal limit for
driving is .08.) If you do the math (relax, I'll do the math for you...),
Debbie's BAC was almost 3 times the legal limit. Did you hear me???
THREE TIMES THE LEGAL LIMIT!! Can you believe it?!!
I know what you are thinking. You're thinking,
"WinoJohn! Relax, dude! Shit happens. She had a
few brewskies and she got pulled over. It was a mistake.
She shouldn't have been driving but it happens."
OK. Thank you. You're right. I
overreacted. It was just a simple DUI. My bad.

Mug Shot of Debra Oberlin
Former President of Gainsville,
Fla. MADD
What was I thinking...?
WinoJohn
March 4, 2011
Wino of the Week
and
Poor Unfortunate Bastard of
the Week!!!
Ouch... This story pains me
just to report it. WTF is going on over there in Britain?
Those Brits are just drinking way too much!
And, for me to say that, it must be way out of control!
Anyway, here's the story... (You can figure out who is Wino of
the Week and who is Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the Week. It's
pretty obvious...)
Last month, a British couple from Newcastle,
England, were out having a few drinks. Later in the evening,
the woman, 43-year old Maria Georgina
Topp, and
her 45 year old boyfriend, Martin Douglas, decided to go back
to his place for a little who-knows-what. Around 4 a.m., an
emergency call was made to the local police station. The
emergency operators had a hard time understanding what the caller
(Mr. Douglas) was saying. Police and paramedics were
dispatched.
When the emergency services people arrived, they
found Mr Douglas bleeding heavily from the... uhhh...
"groinal" area. Upon closer examination, they discovered that
poor Martin was no longer in possession of his testicles.
WHAT??? OUCH!!!! Oh man, that is... OWWW!!
WTF??? OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!! (If you are at all
like me, you are now holding your boys in a protective death grip,
trying to imagine that it is NOT you who was just de-balled...)
Damn! That's gotta hurt!!!
Martin, who is a self employed DJ, was rushed into
emergency surgery at Freeman Hospital to "have his testicles and
scrotum re-attached." Once again, may I say, "OWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!
"
Ms. Topp,
a mother of four who resides in nearby
Gateshead,
was arrested and charged with causing grievous bodily harm.
Investigators say
Topp
and Douglas had returned to his home after a night of drinking when
sometime around 4 a.m.,
Topp
bit down on the man's testicles and then tore them off.
Nooooo!!! OOOWWWWW!!!! No more, please,
my stomach is starting to hurt. OWW, OWWW,
OWWW!!!

Wino of the Week, Maria Topp with a
gruesome shit-eating ball-biting grin
Oh, and get this, the police also reported that "Mr.
Douglas' arm was also injured in the attack." WHO THE FUCK
CARES??? His boys were viciously removed from their rightful
place! By an ugly chick! With her teeth!!! His
ball sack was torn from... where his ball sack belongs!!
Damn, who cares if his arm was injured? Unless she gnawed off
his arm, too, that part of the story is just irrelevant!
Damn...
WinoJohn
April 3, 2011
I Don't Think So...
From our WTF Department comes this
little tidbit...
As we all know, those whacky Chinese love their
wine. They are consuming more and more wine every year, thus
driving up already ridiculous wine prices. Well now they are
beginning to make their own wine and, in this case,
they are combining their much-loved rice wine with traditional
Chinese medicinal ingredients. On the surface, that doesn't
sound too bad. The Chinese have thousands of years of history,
they are a very hard-working people with a very proud tradition.
So they put some funky ingredients in their wine, so what?
Well check this out...

Tezhi Sanbian Jiu
- Three Penis Wine
Yeah, you read that correctly, Three Penis Wine. Not one
penis. Not even two penis. Three penis. Because
one penis is just not enough penis. I guess. I don't
know...
Tezhi Sanbian Jiu comes in a rather plain looking
bottle but, according to the article I plagiarized
read, this "rice wine is a Valentine’s Day gift your loved one will
always remember..." No shit. If someone gave me
three penises for Valentine's Day, I'd be scarred for life!
This special concoction (Get it? Concockshun...
Ha ha ha! Sorry.) has three different types of animal
penis brewed right in, purportedly to "grant vitality to the
drinker." The label on the back of the bottle says it contains
seal penis, deer penis and Cantonese dog penis, all of them popular
ingredients in Chinese traditional medicine, and all said to
increase male potency and virility. Wow. That's a lot of
penis.
This story is disturbing on many levels. I
think the wine drinking public has a right to some answers!
For example:
-
They don't secretly serve this stuff to
unsuspecting American techno-dweebs that are forced to eat
who-knows-what during business trips to China, do they? DO
THEY??? (Please say NO. Please!)
-
What happens to all those poor little seals,
deers and dogs that are forced to give up their penises?
-
What happens if a dude enjoys Three Penis Wine?
Is that gay?
-
Who's idea was it to even consider using penis
as a medicinal ingredient? (Wait, I think I figured this
one out. Imagine this scenario... "You have a headache?
Here, try some of this...")
-
Where can we get some Three Penis?
(Oops, that was my wife checking in...
Note to self: Change the password on the WinoStuff Uber
Computer...)
Well, as responsible journalists, we clearly need to
do more research on this subject. WinoStuff's own Director of
Porn and Penis-Related Wine Stories, WinoBob, will be further
analyzing this product and will be reporting back with his findings.
Stay tuned...
I would just like to go on record as saying, "Ewwww!!!".
WinoJohn
April 17, 2011
Whackjob of the Week
So many
whackjobs, so little time...
This week, we once again decided to honor one
amongst us who has pushed the envelope, one who has gone the extra
mile to distinguish himself from the crowd. However, it seems
that the competition this week was more intense than usual.
The WinoStuff Whackjob Selection Committee really had a tough time
deciding a winner. Take for example the following extremely
whacky entries...
-
Harold Camping - This former engineer
turned minister got the whole world buzzing with his prediction
of the end of the world. He knew down to the minute when
the world was supposed to end. Yesterday at 6:00 pm
Eastern Time, I was braced for the big one. I had a bottle
of '94 Opus One in one hand and my trusty corkscrew in the
other. At the first rumbling of the big quake, I was ready
to pop open this beauty and go at it. But, unfortunately,
the world didn't end. Damn you, Harold Camping!!!
-
Arnold Schwarzenegger - The former
Governator announced to the world that he had a love child with
his former haus frau and that he had been keeping this big
secret from Maria and the kids for more than 10 years. A
quick look at the baby momma and you can see why he kept this
secret. Arnie! Dude!!! You could have been
bangin' supermodel strippers and you dip your stick in that???
C'mon, man!
-
Dominique Strauss-Kahn - The former head
of the International Monetary Fund is accused of raping
the maid at his luxury hotel in Manhattan. He quickly
flees the scene while she calls the cops. A few hours
later, he is dragged off an Air France jet by the police.
In keeping with French tradition, he has surrendered his
passport, he has surrendered his dignity and I'm sure he has
surrendered more than that while at Riker's Island... The
guy controls like all the money in the world and he's taking
unwanted liberties with the help. F'ing frog bastard.
OK, any one of these guys could probably win
Whackjob of the Week during an ordinary week but this week was
special. This week, there was more whackiness than usual.
Maybe it was the anticipation of the end of the world, I don't know.
All I know is this was a special week.
Oh yeah... The winner of this week's
Whackjob of the Week honor goes
to... (drum roll, please...)... The dude who bid
north of $130,000 for Princess Beatrice's Royal Wedding Hat!
(We don't know his name yet but stay tuned. The auction
ends in a few hours...)
You remember the goofy hat that Beatrice wore to the
wedding of Prince William and Kate Middleton, don't you? It
was the surprising fashion highlight of the royal wedding and the
one thing that (briefly) distracted the world's attention from Pippa
Middleton's fine little pooper. Well, that hat is up for bid on
eBay (proceeds going to charity) and some wicked whackjob has bid
over $130 large for the right to prance around in front of his
mirror wearing this piece of millinery history. Now
that's WHACKY!!!

Congratulations, whoever you are!!!
WinoJohn
May 22, 2011
Weiner of the Week
New York is in the news again. This time, the
television stations and the web news outlets are buzzing over the Empire
State because of the antics of one of it's leaders. Yes,
ladies and gentlemen (mostly ladies...), you, too, can have a torrid sexting relationship with a real US Congressman. Just follow
Congressman Anthony Weiner on Twitter or friend him on Facebook and
he will send you your very own personal photos of his junk. Is this a
great country or what?
Yes, New Yorkers have never been more proud of their
elected officials. Anthony "The" Weiner has recently admitted
having inappropriate communications with at least 6 or 7 women over
the past couple years. And by that, he means that he
sent photos of his wiener to women that he "met" on the internet.
There are more reports today that he was communicating with a 17 year old
girl in Delaware although their is no evidence that she ever got a
glimpse of his manhood.
The liberal elite are coming out in his
defense. Barbara Walters has stated that the pictures of
Weiner's wiener are "flattering". In her opinion, there is no
reason he should resign. Fellow disgraced Democrat,
Representative Charles Rangel said that Weiner did nothing wrong
because he "didn't sleep with prostitutes or touch little boys..."
I guess in his circle, that's the only thing that constitutes "doing
something wrong." Rangel also said that the press should "get
off his back". I guess their is honor among scum.
Many people seem surprised that Congressman Weiner
could be capable of such questionable behavior. Even his wife
is reportedly shocked and dismayed. I'm sure she must
have seen some signs early in their relationship...

Could there have been any
indications
that Weiner might be a dick?
Congratulations, New York. All of America is
proud of you.
WinoJohn
June 11, 2011
Poor Unfortunate
Bastard of the Week
Apparently, some of you winos were beginning to
complain that we kept our Wiener of the Week winner (Congressman
Anthony Weiner) on this page for more than a month. Well, all
I can say is that it was a slow news month and Congressman Weiner
was a tremendous wiener. But we're back and check this out...
We were all set to name Philip A. Contos as our
latest Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the Week. You may
remember Phillip, he was the New York state motorcyclist that
recently went on a ride with 550 other bikers to protest New York's
helmet law. In a show of unity and protest, these bikers all
took off their helmets and snubbed their noses at the law.
Well, one thing led to another and poor Philip ended up locking up
his brakes, fishtailing and getting thrown over his handlebars.
He smacked his melon on the pavement and woke up dead. Medical
experts on the scene stated that he would no doubt have survived the
accident had he been wearing a helmet! The poor
unfortunate bastard...
But, as unfortunate as that story may be, it is not
enough to earn Philip the PUBotW honor. No, that distinction
really must go to the husband of Catherine Kieu Becker. You
may have heard, last week Ms. Becker was arrested in Southern
California for drugging her husband, tying him to his bed, and
cutting off his penis. Wait... WHAT??? OUCHHHH!!!
NOOO!!! That's just WRONG!!! Oh yeah, she also
ground up the severed member in the garbage disposal. (Hmmm...
if they manage to reattach his missing Johnson, this story will
certainly qualify for Wiener of the Week honors...!)
According to the Associated Press, Ms. Becker has been charged with "aggravated mayhem,
false imprisonment, assault with a deadly weapon, administering a
drug with intent to commit a felony, poisoning and spousal abuse." C'mon, really?
"Aggravated mayhem"? The woman just Bobbitted her husband!
She's being charged with the equivalent of creating a "brouhaha" or
"chaos" or "confusion"??? (Seriously, I looked it up.)
This woman should be charged with something like Double Secret
Felony Peniscide or, better yet, MANslaughter!
The victim has not been named presumably because it
will already be hard enough for him to get a date. No need to
put his name out there... So, Mr. Becker (how cool would it
have been if his surname was actually Pecker?), you, my friend, are
this week's Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the Week. You have our
congratulations (and sympathies).

Catherine Kieu Becker
WARNING: Do NOT let this woman near your manhood.
WinoJohn
July 16, 2011
WinoNation of the Week
Back in April of 2010, we first recognized the
collective efforts of an entire nation in the pursuit of (in this
case, excessive) alcohol consumption.
Back then, it was the UK that stood out from the crowd.
(Missed that little tidbit?
click
here...) Well, this week, we recognize the efforts of
a bunch of hot, young female winemakers in attracting attention to
their national treasures... This week, we are proud to
honor the entire nation of Austria
as WinoNation of the Week!
In a story entitled
"Young Austrian Winemakers Strip Off for Calendar",
Decanter.com reports that a bunch of young (hot) Austrian
female winemakers got together in their frilly little underthings
and had a pillow fight followed by a game of truth or dare
and some "experimentation"... Uhhh, wait...
what? Sorry... I got a little carried away
there...
Where was I? Oh yeah... These lovely and
talented winemakers were brought together by publisher Ellen
Ledermüller-Reiner to pose for a calendar. I'm sure that the
goal was to attract attention to the Austrian wine business but the
article never actually says that. Or else I just missed it...
Who knows? Maybe they just wanted to sell calendars. All
I know is that I clicked through to the
calendar site and I
must say, this calendar should attract attention to the
Austrian wine business. I may even start drinking Austrian
wines myself. See? It worked! In fact, if you probe
around the web site a little bit, it looks like those rascally
Austrians have been doing these risqué calendars for a few years.
Damn it, WinoBob! Who's in charge of researching hot young
winemaker babes on calendars??? This news item nearly slipped
by unreported! Geez....
Anyway, congratulations, Austria, you are our
WinoNation of the Week!

A few images from the Austrian Calendar... Enjoy!
WinoJohn
August 13, 2011
Meeting of the Wino Minds!
Last week, a monumental event took place in northern New Jersey.
WinoBob, The Other Bob, yours truly and a childhood friend of
WinoBob (we'll call him Some Dude Named Rich) all got together
during normal business hours for a little "off site"
activity. This was not your typical Monday afternoon golf
outing in the rain (although it was Monday afternoon and it was
raining...). No, this was a coming together of some of the
greatest wine-consuming minds in the nation
state tri-county area (plus Some Dude Named Rich).
Wow, that's huge!
Yes, the three wine industry giants (and Some Dude Named Rich) all
got together to support a very worthwhile cause (while also enjoying
a few chuckles). The outing was actually a charity event
benefiting The Sons of Italy or The Brothers of Sicily or The
Cousins of Luigi or something like that. I'm not quite sure.
I know it had an Italian theme, however. The event was very
well organized by the lovely and talented Mrs. WinoBob who was ably
assisted by their daughter, the young and hot
affable Brittany. Despite the weather, it was a fun event for
a worthy cause. The Sons of Italy donate millions of dollars
every year to a variety of local charities. And, unlike the
door prizes at the golf outing, you don't have to be Italian to
benefit from their charitable works!
While the golf was enjoyable and the food was outstanding,
the hushed topic of conversation throughout the outing seemed to
revolve around WinoJohn's pasty white legs. I guess a bunch of
rain-soaked Italians had never seen a real Irishman's legs.
True, my legs sort of bring a tear to your eye (if you look directly
at them, they sort of bring a burning sensation to your eye, but I
digress...) However, the unspoken horror that was on
everyone's mind during the awards ceremony was actually much worse.
Much to Mrs. WinoBob's chagrin, WinoBob rocked an interesting pair
of salmon-colored pants at the reception. Oh, and he has
man-boobs...

WinoJohn, WinoBob, Some Dude Named Rich and The Other Bob
enjoy a round of golf for a worthy cause...
And what did we all learn from a day supporting this
charitable cause? Let's see...
-
The young and hot affable
Brittany tortures her dad by drinking wine out of a box.
That's cool...
-
Frolicking in a bowl full of Italian beach water
is not enough to earn a pasty white-legged Irishman even a
simple door prize.
-
Salmon-colored pants are not appropriate for any
occasion
-
The traditional Italian "kiss on the cheek" is
really just a thinly-veiled attempt on the part of many
perverted Italian men to hit on the lovely and talented and the
young and hot affable WinoBob women. And
Bob doesn't even realize it...
Thanks again, Jean Anne and Brittany!
WinoJohn
August 23, 2011
September 11, 2011
WE REMEMBER...



WinoJohn
September 11, 2011
WE'RE BACK!
Wow. That was a disaster. The WinoStuff
Supercomputing Center crashed. Hard. That was painful.
I'm not even sure what happened. I think the electrons in our
supercomputing CPU got wind of the report from Switzerland that some
CERN scientists clocked a neutrino traveling faster than the speed
of light. That was all they needed to hear. The
electrons made a dash for daylight and got caught up in a traffic
jam on the motherboard. You can imagine what happened next...
(If you can't imagine what happened next, I'm just wasting my time
explaining this whole scenario to you.)
But we're back up and running, albeit temporarily. You see,
I'm in the process of building the next uber server to host all
things WinoStuff. Until that task is complete, we're limping
along on some 1990s technology. (It's still better than the
Mac-something that WinoBob uses to surf porn, but that's another
story...)
So now that we're back, so what? I'll tell you so what.
We have our latest Wino of the Week! Check this out...
A substitute elementary school teacher in Santa Fe
was fired a few weeks ago after she was reportedly found passed out
drunk while on the job. That's right, local authorities found
Jill Lyle unconscious one Friday afternoon at Chaparral
Elementary School in an office connected to a classroom. Officials
said Lyle was found with a cup next to her and the contents of the
cup "had an odor of alcohol". Lt. Louis Carlos told reporters,
"We do not know how much, or if any for that matter, had been
consumed, but we do believe it was a cup containing wine there with
her in the classroom."
Here's the best part... No charges will be
filed against Lyle because the incident occurred "around
lunchtime", when students were not directly under her care!
Jill got whacked from her job anyway. The terms and specific
reasons for Lyle's termination are not being made public.
Congratulations, Jill, you are our Wino of the
Week!
Oh yeah. One other thing... As for those
speedy neutrinos, I don't believe it. First of all, the report
came out of Switzerland. The report was probably written in
French and was probably released "around lunchtime"...
You know how that goes. These funny little science faux pas
happen all the time. Nothing to get excited about. But I
digress...
(Keep your fingers crossed that the patched-up server keeps
functioning until the new box comes on line...)
WinoJohn
October 7, 2011
Wino of the Week!
This week, we meet another party girl that likes to
drink a wee bit too much and then go out and get herself into trouble. Check
this out...
A few weeks ago, police in Bainbridge County, Ohio,
clocked a car doing like 128 MPH at 4am on Route 422. The
driver of the car refused to pull over and the police had to use
those cool spike strips to flatten the tires on the vehicle.
Here's where it gets noteworthy...
When the vehicle eventually came to a stop, the
police ordered the driver of the car to exit the vehicle. Much
to their surprise, the driver was a woman, topless, wearing only a
G-string and tennis shoes. (WinoBob is the only other
individual I know that enjoys getting hammered, putting on a nice
G-string, and driving like a bat out of hell. But I
digress...) The culprit in this case is named Erin
Holdsworth and she is no stranger to the Bainbridge County jail
having been previously convicted of drunk driving, unauthorized use
of a motor vehicle, falsification and a loud noise/disturbance.
(Yes, that's right, a loud noise/disturbance!!)
Fortunately for us, the police cruiser's dash-cam got the whole
capture thing on tape. Once handcuffed and put into the back of the
police car, the "ugly drunk" came out and Ms.
Holdsworth proceeded to try to kick out the windows of the police
car. Again, the police cameras were rolling, giving us all a
nice muff shot of Ms. Holdsworth. Her mother must be very proud...

Thank goodness this picture is digitally blurred as that is some
angry vaj...

WinoStuff's Wino of the Week - Erin Holdsworth
Congratulations, Erin!
WinoJohn
October 27, 2011
Father/Son Tag Team
Winos of the Week!
It takes a strong stomach to
join this club. Check it out...
Ron Franscell and his son,
Matt, from San Antonio, Texas decided to take a road trip to The Great
White North before Matt went off to college. While there, they
wanted to join an exclusive club... The Sourtoe Cocktail Club.
Sound interesting? Read on...
The Sourtoe Cocktail is a
rather disgusting beverage served in only one place in the world: The
Sourdough Saloon in Dawson City, a town 300 miles from the Arctic Circle
in Canada's Yukon Territory. This nasty cocktail is just what it sounds
like -- a shot of any type of hard alcohol served in a glass with a
dehydrated human toe, mummified in salt. According to the rules,
the nasty toe must touch the drinker's lips during the drink's
consumption for the drinker to earn the distinction of being a true "Sourtoer."
According to legend, a man
known as Capt. Dick Stevenson started this tradition in 1973. He is said
to have discovered the original toe in a cabin that he purchased, which
had previously belonged to a trapper who had lost his big toe to
frostbite and put it in a jar. Other toes have since been donated
and are kept in pickling salt when not being slurped. Saloon officials
say the high alcohol content in the whisky, vodka and other booze keeps
the toes sterile, despite being in the mouths of as many as a few dozen
people on a given night.

Mmmm, mmmm... That's some good toe!
The experience inspired the
elder Franschell to write a book entitled "The Sourtoe Cocktail Club:
The Yukon Odyssey of a Father and Son in Search of a Mummified Toe ...
And Everything Else". Nice title, dad.
So, uhhh yeah... there
you have it. Sourtoe. Congratulations, guys, you are our
first Father/Son Tag Team Winos of the Week. Ugghhhh...
WinoJohn
November 6, 2011
Wino Giant of the Week!!!
How often do you see this?
A giant decides that he wants to sell wine. That's right, it
doesn't happen every day. Well it happened recently when Chinese
giant, Yao Ming, decided that he was getting into the wine business.
And where do Chinese giants go when they want to open a winery?
Napa Valley, of course.
Last week, eight time NBA All
Star, Yao Ming announced the opening of Yao Family Wines. (I would
have thought that he would call this new venture Ming Family
Wines but what do I know? I'm a zero time NBA All Star...)
Mr. Ming (or is it Mr. Yao?) stands 7 feet 6 inches tall and is
generally considered to be a god in his native China (where the average
adult male stands a mere 4 ft 6 inches tall...). Yao plans
to offer his initial bottling, the Yao Family Napa Cab, at $289 per
bottle! (Coincidentally, the average adult male in China earns
$289 per month!) Later this year, the Yao Family Reserve
Cabernet will go on sale for like $1.21 gigabucks, which is a lot...

Naturally, Yao partnered with
some Napa Valley veterans to make his wines. Tom Hind is the
President and Director of Winemaking at Yao Wines and Larry Bradley is
Consulting Viticulturist. Both of these gentlemen have extensive
backgrounds in Napa winemaking. There is no word on who will
handle the sales and marketing functions at Yao Family Wines...

Yao Ming is seen here conducting an interview for a
Sales and Marketing executive...
Good luck on your new venture
Mr. Yao... er... Ming...
WinoJohn
December 3, 2011
Wino of the Week!
How many times has this
happened to you...? You're driving along some back road after a
night of heavy drinking. Your buddies are in the car with you, the
music is cranked up loud and all of a sudden...
BAM
! you hit something!!! Wait! What was
that??? You all get out of the car and find an injured deer in the
road and a big dent in the front of your car. Damn it! That
sucks. Now what do we do...?
Most people would curse the
deer, blame their friends for making too much noise in the car, hop back
in the car and speed away before anyone else gets wind of the incident.
(Or, if you are my father-in-law, you might quickly field dress the
deer, mount the carcass to the hood of your car and drive it straight to
the slaughterhouse... But I digress...). However, if your
name is Andrew Caswell from Greece, NY, you might suddenly feel guilty
over the brutal collision with another one of God's creatures, determine
that their may still be time to save the deer, load it
into the trunk of your car and attempt to drive it to the hospital!!!
Of course, that's precisely what Andy Caswell from Greece NY did last
week. Yeah, Andy wasn't exactly thinking straight...
While Andy and pals were
driving the injured animal to a HUMAN hospital, some locals residents
(who had heard the commotion surrounding the decision to try and save
the deer) called police and gave a description of Andy's vehicle.
Shortly thereafter, Andy was pulled over and charged with DUI. (Andy's
BAC was .16!)
Oh yeah, the deer died.
So, Andy, was it all worth it?
The drinking, the driving, the deer killing, not to mention the
embarrassment of the DUI? I guess the only good thing to come of
all this is your winning WINO OF THE WEEK honors!!!
Congratulations, big guy!
WinoJohn
December 23, 2011
Celebrity Train Wreck of the Week
A while back, we introduced the
concept of Celebrity Train Wreck of the Week. You remember,
Britney Spears had a meltdown, shaved her head and became our inaugural
CTWotW. Although never earning official Celebrity Train Wreck
status, Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have each been honored on these
pages for behavior detrimental to sustaining life and could easily have
been CTWotW.. This week, we honor another celebrity (also a winolicious
babe!) with the potential to check out at any time. You know her
from her roles on TJ Hooker, Dynasty, Melrose Place and more. Yes,
ladies and gents, our Celebrity Train Wreck of the Week is none other
than... Heather Locklear!
The lovely and talented Ms.
Locklear has a long history of intoxication "issues" (she has been
arrested several times for DUI and family members have called 911
several times over the years due to her drug and alcohol abuse.)
Last week, emergency medical personnel rushed Heather to the Los Robles
Hospital in Thousand Oaks, CA for treatment of drug and alcohol
consumption. Fortunately, she was released the following day and
is reported to be "out of danger".

While Heather can sometimes be an ugly drunk...

...her mug shot is not half bad, and...

she cleans up pretty well!!!
(Note: I want to state
that everything in this article pertaining to Ms. Locklear and her
problems are entirely ALLEGED. There are two
reasons for this: 1) I'm sure her big time Hollywood lawyers are
much more skilled than the WinoStuff lawyers over at the law firm of Dewey, Cheetem and
Howe, and 2) I think I might still have a shot with her...).
Congratulations, Heather!
WinoJohn
January 12, 2012