If you missed some news from 2005
and 2006, click here.
If
you have no life and need old news from 2003 or 2004, click
here.
If you are really pathetic and want to read older news from
2000-2002, click here. And get a life!
WinoJohn
Whackjob of the Week
Yeah, yeah, I know. We have
Wino of the Week. We have Celebrity Train Wreck of
the Week. We even posted a single edition of Politician
Train Wreck of the Week. Why do we need
Whackjob of the Week, you may ask.
My response? Shut the F$@& up. We just do.
In this week's edition of Whackjob
of the Week, we honor those boys and girls, men and women, liberals
and... well, probably mostly liberals... over there at the
group known as People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals.
Yes, PETA.
What could those whacky whacksters
possibly have done to earn themselves the prestigious Whackjob of
the Week award? Get this... PETA is seriously
campaigning to get people to start calling fish "sea kittens".
That's right, SEA KITTENS!!! I guess that eating nothing but
fruits and nuts makes you fruity and nutty...
Seriously, PETA wants to alter the
"slithery and slimey" image of fish by highlighting their
similarities to cuter, more popular animals. Apparently, just
like cats and dogs, fish are capable of showing physical affection,
they feel pain, and they grieve when their companions die...
"It's time for a serious image makeover," PETA said in a statement.
While the campaign is aimed
primarily at children, PETA has also launched a petition calling for
the US Fish and Wildlife Service to abandon its backing for "sea
kitten hunting" (fishing).
This whole laughable story raises
several important and disturbing questions:
What wine do you serve with Sea Kitten?
Is Sea Kitten properly served with or without the head?
If you specially prepare raw Sea Kitten, is it considered sushi?
Will busy mothers be able to get their children to eat Sea
Kitten sticks?
Where is the best place to catch Sea Kittens? At the Old
Kittenin' Hole?
If you serve Sea Kitten together with Land Kitten, can it
legally be called Surf and Turf?
What wine to serve with Sea Kitten?
As far as I can tell, PETA has
opened up a whole can 'o worms (or, as I like to call them, "Slime
Puppies"...) with this issue!
WinoJohn
January 10, 2009
Obama Cellar
The word is out that
president-elect, Barack Obama, has a 1000 bottle wine cellar in his
$1.6M house on the south side of Chicago. What does Barry O
keep in his cellar and what does this mean for the average American
wine drinker? These are the questions that we need answered.
A quick check of the facts (these
are actual facts, not made-up facts) indicates that wine-drinking
states overwhelmingly voted for the B-man. Nine of the top ten
wine-consuming states voted for Obama with only the state of Texas
breaking rank. Furthermore, 20 of the top 25 wine consuming
states went Obamanation. So what does the new prez drink?
I guess we'll see...
All we know so far is that the
inaugural lunch will feature a 2007 Duckhorn Sauvignon Blanc Napa
Valley with the first course (seafood stew) and a 2005 Goldeneye
Pinot Noir Anderson Valley with the second course (pheasant and duck
with sour cherry chutney and molasses sweet potatoes.) A
special inaugural cuvee of Korbel Russian River Valley "champagne"
is paired with the third course (apple cinnamon sponge cake with
sweet cream).
Barack Obama enjoys a little bubbly...
That's it? Sauvignon Blanc,
Pinot Noir and an American "Champagne"? Damn, not only
do I not like his politics, I don't like his wine. It's going
to be a long four years.
Sigh...
WinoJohn
January 17, 2009
Wino of the Week
Here's a story from HeraldNet.com
which, as you know, is the online news source
for Snohomish County...
The HeraldNet reports that a man
was arrested early in the morning of January 29 for stealing a
vehicle. When police pulled him over, they found a six-pack of
beer and some beef jerky in the vehicle. Furthermore, the
police report indicated that the police officers smelled
'intoxicants' emitting from the man.
Wow! So there you have it.
Another amazing Wino of the Week story!!! Some people are just
incorrigible...
Wait... What's that you say?
You're thinking, "That's it? That's the whole story?
WinoJohn, have you been hitting the bottle again while researching
Breaking News?" (Well, yes. "Hitting the bottle" makes
it so much easier to sift through the sea of idiocy in search of
Breaking News. But I digress...)
Perhaps I left a few details
out of the story... Let me see...
Oh, yes. Here you go...
A few more details...
The guy was clocked doing...
get this... 2 MPH!!!
The vehicle in question was a
Genie Boom Model Z-45/25J
otherwise known as a cherrypicker.
The
unnamed suspect claims that he didn't "steal" the articulating
boom truck, he was just "using" it to go to 7-11
OK.
Now we see the details that qualified this guy for
Wino of the Week status. Yet this whole disturbing case raises
several important questions:
Why was
the guy only doing 2 MPH? Everyone knows that the
Model Z-45/25J is one of the fastest cherrypickers on the market
today with a top speed of well over 3 MPH!
Did the
cops really need to use a radar gun to clock this guy's speed?
I mean a radar gun is probably only accurate to +/- 2 MPH
anyway. With that margin of error, the guy may have
actually been standing still!
Wouldn't it actually be faster to walk to 7-11 rather
than steal a ride that will only do 3?
So there's
clearly a lesson to be learned here... but I'm at a loss to
tell you what it is. Beer, beef jerky and industrial lifts
don't mix? There may be something valuable on the roof of
7-11? I don't know... If you see a lesson here, please
let me know.
According to our pals at
Decanter.com (the best place on the internet to plagiarize real wine
news!), those rascally French are at it again. And, yet again,
we Yanks are the victims of their hideous crime. Check this
out...
Decanter.com reports that over the
last four years, several hundred thousand hectoliters of crap
wine from the Aude region of Languedoc-Roussillon was fraudulently
labeled as "Pinot Noir" from the Vin de Pays
d'Oc and exported into the US. Those Frog BASTARDS!!!
There they go again! When will they ever learn? They
can't just throw around words like "hectoliters". We're NOT metric! If you are going to
fraudulently sell wine in this country, you must sell it in gallons!!!
Damn you French...
But anyway, there is apparently a
BIG investigation underway in France. A bunch of individual
winemakers, cooperatives, the Ducasse negociant firm and the
Sieur
d'Arques wine company are all under investigation. According
to the report, from 2005 to 2008, "over 120,000 hectoliters of
this falsely-lableled Pinot
Noir were sold every year into the US..." EVERY YEAR!!!
Those Frog bastards!!! It only took the local French
government's anti-fraud unit four years to realize that they
were exporting 120,000 hectoliters of Vin de Pays Pinot Noir every
year even though they only produce a total of 50,000 hectoliters per
year. Yeah, they're on the ball over there in the French Wine
Anti-Fraud unit.
Why is this such a big deal, you
may ask? Go ahead. Ask. C'mon,...
we're waiting... Well, it appears that Pinot Noir
sells for about double the price of the usual plonk from this region. So
these French bastards are selling us crap. And charging us twice
as much!!! (Thank goodness I don't drink Pinot Noir!)
I think it may be time for another one of our famous WinoStuff.com
BOYCOTTS... You know, we have this weapon in our arsenal.
We hate to use it but sometimes you just have to pull out the big
BOYCOTT gun. WinoBob, put this matter on the agenda for the
next meeting of the WinoStuff Subcommittee on French Affairs and
Potential Boycotts.
Chief Inspector
Clouseau of the French Wine Anti-Fraud Unit
suspects that there may be a problem...
WinoJohn
February 14, 2009
Breaking News!!!
Special Double Bonus Edition
If you follow this lame site, you
know that every once in a while, some drunkard does something
completely stupid and gets himself (or herself) honored with our
very special award, Wino of the Week. Even more rarely, some
idiot does something completely absurd (without the aid of alcohol)
and earns himself (or herself) Whackjob of the Week honors.
This week, we enjoy the ultra-rare double whammy, the elusive double
eagle, that once-in-a-blue-moon occurrence. Yes, winos, this week
we recognize a Wino of the Week and a Whackjob
of the Week. It doesn’t get much better than this…
Oops, did I say it doesn’t get any
better than this? Well it does… This week, our Wino of the Week is
a chimpanzee (our first non-human Wino of the Week)!
And the Whackjob of the Week is the chimp’s owner. Congratulations
are in order for Sandra Herold and her chimp, Travis.
You probably heard the story,
Travis the chimp went a little nuts and mauled Sandra’s friend,
Charla Nash. The police were called and the chimp was ultimately
killed but not before severely injuring Ms. Nash and tearing up a
couple police cars. (Some cartoonist at the New York post used an
image of the cops shooting the monkey in a cartoon and the biggest
whackjob of them all, Al Sharpton, is accusing the Post, Fox News
and Rupert Murdoch of being racist. I’d name the reverend Al as our
Whackjob of the Week but I don’t need a bunch of nut bags protesting
outside the WinoStuff corporate offices. Again.)
So anyway, details have emerged
that the relationship between Sandra and Travis was… well… a little
“unusual”. Sandra told investigators that she and Travis (the
CHIMPANZEE) would often enjoy a nice steak and a glass of wine
before "snuggling in bed together". Excuse me… blecchhhh…
BLECCCHHHHH!!!!! Sorry about that. It’s not often
that I barf while writing this column. Anyway, any chimp that
drinks wine is automatically eligible for Wino of the Week honors.
And any wine-drinking chimp who goes nuts and eats a woman’s face is
a surefire winner!
Oh, and what about Sandra, the
owner? Does sleeping with a drunk chimp really qualify you for
Whackjob of the Week honors? Are we lowering our standards just to
achieve the double junk? I don’t think so. As it turns out, when
Travis first started misbehaving, Sandra gave him some tea. Laced
with Xanax. OK!!! There we go! We have a winner! Now
we’re talking Whackjob of the Week!!!
File photo of "Travis the Chimp" before he went bonkers...
WinoJohn
February 22, 2009
French Government Advises:
Stop Drinking Wine!
In a move that can only be
described as political mass suicide, members of the French Ministry
of Health have advised the French people to
stop drinking wine. I'm not making this up.
The Frog government is telling the Frog people to do something that
would not only devastate the Frog economy but it would probably also
lower their overall health. Only in France...
According to our friends at
Decanter.com, France's Ministry of Health has published
guidelines which advise that "the consumption of alcohol, and
especially wine, is discouraged." Citing findings by the
French National Cancer Institute, the health ministers advise that
consumption of only a small amount of alcohol can increase the risk
of mouth and throat cancer by 168%. The cancer institute
president, Dominique Maraninchi, said that "small daily doses of
alcohol are the most harmful. There is no amount, however
small, which is good for you."
Well, to me it seems obvious.
If small daily doses of wine are the most harmful, we should
be consuming large daily doses of wine! Right?
C'mon, WinoStuff has often reported on the many health benefits of
drinking wine. The long discussed "French Paradox" notes that
French people have relatively low rates of coronary heart disease
even though they typically consume relatively large amounts of
saturated fat in their diets. The reason for this is wine.
They drink a lot of wine. Are those French health ministers
really that dense?
Let's take it one step further.
Over the last 20 years, average wine consumption by the French has
declined substantially. (I don't know why, it just has...).
Over that same time period, the cancer rate among the French people
has doubled. Voila! There you go! A direct
correlation! If you drink less wine, you'll develop cancer.
Period. Try that on for size, Monsieur Health Minister.
Here's one more indisputable fact
in the argument over wine's health benefits. WinoBob
personally consumes several hundred hectoliters of wine per week in
the performance of his WinoStuff duties. (I don't know what a
hectoliter is but Bob does and he's the one consuming them!)
When I first met Bob 15 years ago, he was just a sickly stick figure
with a near-zero body mass. Today, Bob is the picture of
health, albeit a picture of a healthy stick figure with a near-zero
body mass. What a transformation! And to what does Bob
attribute this amazing turnaround? You guessed it... his
daily mass consumption of red wine. I rest my case.
WinoBob in 1990 and WinoBob today.
The difference?
Several hundred thousand bottles of red wine!
WinoJohn
March 1, 2009
Poor Unfortunate Bastard
of the Week
Yes, it's a new category.
Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the Week.
PUBotW, for short. This week, I came across a story that didn't fit into any of our
existing categories. If this guy had been drinking, he would
have qualified for Wino of the Week. If he had done something
really stupid and gotten himself killed or arrested, he would
qualify for Whackjob of the Week. But, unfortunately, that is
not the case. But yet, his story screamed to be
told. Literally...
It seems that there was this poor
unfortunate bastard named Haris, living in some remote village in
Indonesia. One day recently, he was going about his daily chores. He was
unloading sand from a horse-drawn cart. The horse was an
unpredictable sort named Bundi. That afternoon, Haris' life would change
dramatically as he
found himself being rushed to the hospital. His is a
particularly painful story.
So what caused Haris' to be
rushed to the hospital (and subsequently earn Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the
Week honors)? Well, it's like this... Without any notice
or provocation, the horse, Bundi, lunged at Haris...
and... ummm... bit off one of his testicles!!!!
OUUCCHHHH!! Owww!! Oh, my god, my boys are cramping up just
reporting this story...
Fortunately, the horse spit out
the severed teste and some lucky villager ended up with a souvenir
and a great story to tell the grandkids.
I'm sorry, did I just say that the
dude had one of his balls bitten off??? OUUCCCHHHHH!!!!!
OWWWWW!!! Ughhhhh.....!!! Man, I can't get this image
out of my head. An equine-induced nad-ectomey. The poor
guy was dejeweled by some old nag. It really doesn't get much
worse than this.
I was going to Photoshop something
to depict Haris' terrible plight but, frankly, it was making me
sick. So I have added the following snippets. Feel free
to Photoshop these images into something truly disturbing...
WinoJohn
March 16, 2009
Sideways Goes (Far) East
The 2004 movie, Sideways,
which was based in the wine regions of Santa Barbara, California, is
getting a Japanese makeover. And not all California wineries are thrilled
with the idea.
Sideways is generally considered
to have killed the merlot business in California (although one could
argue that bad merlot killed the merlot business in California...).
For that reason, many California wine producers were reluctant to
grant permission for the remake of Sideways to be filmed at their wineries.
No one wants to shoot themselves in the foot by promoting a film
that may ultimately have a negative impact on their sales.
Recently, however, several high profile wineries such as Beringer,
Domaine Chandon and Frog's Leap have relented and granted permission.
If you recall, sales of merlot
dropped dramatically in the US after the release of the original
Sideways movie in which the main character speaks disparagingly about merlot
(while at the same time promoting pinot noir...? What's up
with that?).
The Japanese Sideways movie is due out in Japan in
the fall...
Filming has begun on the Japanese remake of Sideways...
WinoJohn
March 27, 2009
Paris Gets Naked for Champagne!
A few years ago, we reported that
Paris Hilton likes it (champagne) in the can. Missed it?
Click here... Paris promoting champagne seemed
like a respectable gig. After all, the chick had previously
starred in some homemade porn. She went to parties without
underwear. She did a little stint in jail. She was all over the
map. Well, Paris is back in the news again. What did
Paris do this time? Well, the multimillionaire heiress posed for
an ad for that same champagne (Rich Prosecco)! Ummm… this
time, she was... naked. I have just one thing to say
to Paris Hilton. Thank You!!!
I’m so tired of hearing about new,
mass-produced cheap wines with labels depicting cute little animals
(White Tail, Smoking Loon, Black Swan, Monkey Bay, 3 Blind Moose,
Little Penguin, etc.) or "edgy" names (Fat Bastard, Cleavage Creek,
Bitch (grenache), Big Ass Cab, Menage a Trois, etc.) I recently
read a disturbing statistic that said that new wines with funny
animal names, fuzzy critters on the label or edgy names outsell
other new wines by more than 2 to 1. I just don’t get it.
So, when I saw the new wine ad
from Rich Prosecco, I thought, “these guys are geniuses”! Fat old
middle-aged men don’t want cute wine labels. We want just one
thing… Hot Rich Naked Chick Wine. In a can. Is that too
much to ask?
Neither the geniuses at Rich
Prosecco nor the lovely and talented Paris Hilton would return my
calls so I can’t post their comments. But that’s OK, I have
pictures…
After all, whenever I find myself naked in the hot desert sun and I
happen to be painted gold, all I want is a nice can of champagne...
This week, the
crack WinoStuff Awards Committee traveled overseas. Across the pond,
to be exact. And what did we find over in merry old England?
We found our Wino of the Week, of course. Actually, we found our Winos of the Week.
Yes, friends, this
week our Winos of the Week are loyal subjects of the British
monarchy. Right then, cheerio, stiff upper lip, and all that.
What did these two Brits do to earn the Wino of the Week honors?
Well, check this out…
Joy
Taylor and Phil Carden, both in their early thirties,
had a little too much to drink (always a prerequisite to Wino of the
Week recognition) and proceeded to… get this… HAVE SEX!!!
Can you believe it? They had sex!! Well, there you go! Bloody
well right, Winos of the Week!!!
Oh,
wait, there’s more… This amorous British couple not only had sex,
they had sex... in broad daylight!Outside!On
the lawn of WINDSOR CASTLE!!! Oh yeah, now we’re talking.
Winos of the Week. I would go so far as to say that they are in
serious contention for Winos of the Year!
Apparently,
the inebriated couple stripped down to their birthday suits and
proceeded to go at it on the lawn of the castle. Guards in the
castle, as well as multitudes of tourists, watched the couple go at
it for nearly twenty minutes. Many of the tourists actually
photographed and video-taped the lawn romp. Near the
conclusion of the festivities, the couple was arrested by armed
Royal Protection Squad officers. (Editor’s
note: Phil, dude, twenty minutes? If you’re going to perform on
the world stage, you’re going to have to bring your “A” game…)
So, our hats are off to Joy and Phil.
Congratulations, you whacky Brits. You are our Winos of the
Week!
Her Royal Majesty, the Queen, is not
amused
with the view from her living room window...
WinoJohn
May 3, 2009
Wino(s) of the Week!
For the second week in a row, we
are naming two people as our Winos of the Week.
Although, this week, "naming" them was not so easy...
Here's the story... About a
week ago, two guys were out having a good time, probably drinking a
few beers. We've all been there... You toss back a few
cold ones, you're heading out to get in your car to go home and you
feel the urge... You gotta take a leak but you have already
left the bar. Maybe there's a cover charge, maybe there's
someone in the bar you don't want to see again.
Whatever. You don't want to go back inside. What do you
do? I'll tell you what you don't do... You don't
piss on the car next to yours.
Last week, two men in Pullman,
Washington did just that. Yes, our Winos of the Week violated
some kind of unwritten guy law. It may even be the eleventh
commandment... XI.) Thou Shalt Not Piss on Thy
Neighbor's Car. Well these two guys did just that and
guess what? Let's just say it didn't turn out so well.
It seems that the owner of the other car was actually IN the car at
the time. And, as you might imagine, he was none too pleased
with the flagrant violation of man law and he took matters into his
own hands. He grabbed a golf club from his car and he beat the
piss out of the two perpetrators. (No pun intended.)
Both men were injured. One of the perps was hospitalized with
a fractured arm.
And the best part? The owner
of the now urine-scented auto, he got away before the police
arrived.
In this violence prone society,
this story raises several important questions:
If you catch someone peeing on
your car, do you choose a fairway wood or a long iron with which
to exact your revenge?
If your very first swing at
the perpetrators misses, can you use a Mulligan and not count
that stroke?
If one of the offending pee-ers
should come to rest on the cart path, are you allowed to move
him before resuming your swinging?
What is par for beating two
idiots? 4 strokes? 5?
Unfortunately, I could not, for the life of me, find the names of
these two idiots before naming them WotW. So, to you two
anonymous A-holes, congratulations! You are our Winos of the
Week!
WinoJohn
May 17, 2009
US Government Proposes Increase in
Alcohol Tax!!
Our pals in Washington, have come up with another ingenious idea.
Recognizing that $3 or $4 trillion in deficit spending is not enough
to reform our national health care system, the Senate Finance
Committee is proposing that we raise the tax on alcoholic beverages
in order to provide health insurance for the estimated 50 million
uninsured Americans.
The existing tax on a 750ml bottle
of wine is currently $0.21. Under the new legislation, the federal
tax on a bottle of wine would increase to $0.70. Some might
argue that this is only a 49 cent increase. That may seem
insignificant to some but to others, this represents a significant
increase in spending. For WinoBob alone, this amounts to a
potential out of pocket cost of tens of thousands of dollars per
year.
What does this mean to wine
producers? Well, to the ultra premium category it may be
insignificant. Who cares if you pay $100 for a cult cab or
$100.49? Those people won't even feel the pain. But for
producers like Charles Shaw, it could mean changing an entire brand.
After all, who is going to buy "Two Buck Forty Nine Cent Chuck"?
It just doesn't have the same ring...
Well, I for one am not happy. I think I'm going to write a
letter. To my Senator. Oh yeah, I live in New Jersey.
It won't matter if I write a letter (unless that letter contains a
little 'payola', if you know what I mean...)
Sigh.
But you can do
something, people. Get up off your butts and do something!
Anaything! Make a call. Write a letter. Stage a
protest. Do what the radial French winemakers, the CRAV,
are doing. Set off a few firecrackers and run away.
(Hey, it may not be "daring" but at least they are doing something!)
As they say over in Nike-ville, "Just DO IT!"
WinoJohn
May 30, 2009
Wino of the Week!!!
This week, we turn to the friendly
skies of United Airlines to find an absolutely standout
wino. Check this out...
In Britain, Galina Rusanova is known
as a respected artist, actress and author who rubs
elbows with the rich and famous at London parties
and charity events. She would appear to be a
real upscale, "society" type. Last month,
however, Ms. Rusanova took a trip to Los Angeles to
meet some dude she met over the internet. I'm
guessing that the encounter didn't go so well...
On the flight back to London, the
lovely and talented Galina went a little...
let's say... 'bonkers'. Apparently,
about three hours into the flight, Galina became a
little agitated. After mixing wine with
prescription drugs, Ms. Rusanova began moving about
the cabin, bothering other passengers and mumbling
incoherently. It was at this point, the
Russian-born artist decided to drink a whole bottle
of hand soap from the airplane restroom.
When the flight attendants tried to calm her, Galina
attacked them and, at one point, she is alleged to
have "dropped to the floor and started snapping like
a dog...". She even tried to bite a flight
attendant.
Unfortunately, the pilots decided to
end the episode early by diverting the flight to
Bangor, Maine where the FBI arrested her.
(Apparently, the FBI has no sense of humor when it
comes to drunk chicks, hand soap and airplanes!)
Wow. That's one sloppy
drunk...
Rare file photo of British socialite, Galina
Rusinova
preparing for Happy Hour...
You don't see over-the-top, extreme
wino behavior like this very often. In fact,
in my thirty-something years of excess wine
consumption, I don't ever remember barking like a
dog and biting a flight attendant. And it's
been yearsmonthsweeks since I've seen WinoBob drink a full
bottle of hand soap. It just doesn't happen
very often. But when it does, we all get to
enjoy the story of a new Wino of the Week!
WinoJohn
June 20, 2009
Hip Hop Cognac!!!
In a move that is reminiscent of
something out of Saturday Night Live, American hip hop/rap star,
Ludacris, has announced that he is launching his own brand of
Cognac. Born Christopher Bridges, Ludacris has partnered with
a Norwegian-owned Cognac producer to create a brand that he calls Conjure. Ludacris went to Cognac and personally
blended 14 different cognacs to come up with Conjure. Conjure
will debut in Norway in July and in the US in September.
(Debut in Norway? What up wit' dat?)
Ludacris, who is famous for such
notable albums as Word of Mouf and songs such as Move Bitch, may seem an unlikely Cognac producer but we
are reminded of the great 1990s SNL character, Leon Phelps (Tim
Meadows), aka The Ladies Man. Leon Phelps
single-handedly introduced Courvoisier to a new
generation of cognac lovers. Perhaps Mr. Ludacris can have the
same effect on my kids... (God, I hope not...)
Chris "Ludacris" Bridges conjuring up
a way to sell Cognac...
Leon Phelps knows how to sell Cognac...
WinoJohn
July 3, 2009
A Bottle of Coke...
Owners and winemakers from
Vinos Kohlberg in Bolivia were shocked to find out that a
shipment of their Bodegas Kohlberg wine was being held up by customs
officers in Bulgaria. It was probably just a paperwork snafu.
Apparently, the paperwork indicated that the 1020 bottles of Bodegas
Kohlberg contained wine from the southern Bolivia winery. In
fact, 952 of the bottles contained LIQUID COCAINE!!! Those
customs inspectors can be so picky...
Obviously, officials at the winery
are denying any involvement. 'This illegal action is
absolutely not what we stand for,' said Lisette Kohlberg.
Duhhh?? Thanks for that update, Lisette. We thought that
maybe bottling liquid cocaine was part of your business
plan... After all, Bolivia is the third largest cocaine
producer in the world. If you want to be number one, you have
to get innovative!
The news of this adulterated wine
raises several troubling questions:
What food do you pair with
liquid cocaine?
What is the appropriate
stemware to use?
Do you seal bottles of liquid
cocaine with cork or twist-off?
Does terroir come into play
when you are making liquid cocaine?
And most importantly,
Does Bottle King carry liquid
cocaine?
WinoJohn
July 19, 2009
Wino of the Week...
Once again, we feel the need to
pay tribute to someone who, at some point in time, consumed a little
too much alcohol and did something that is truly newsworthy. This week
we again look across the pond to find our most deserving recipient.
Where do I begin...? Well,
it seems this bloke named Stuart Keen had a little too much to
drink. (I suppose all WotW stories start with something
similar to this...). Being a professional carpenter, Stuart
got a little buzzed and felt the need to cut some wood for a cabinet
that he was making in his home woodshop. Yada, yada, yada, the
Emergency Services operator (the UK equivalent of the 911 operator)
received a call pleading, "Help me! I'm bleeding to death!"
Well, as you probably know,
alcohol and woodworking tools don't mix. Or you could say that
friends don't let friends saw drunk. You could say any number
of things but what you can't say is that Mr. Keen's penis remained
attached to his body. Yes, that's right winos, Stuart Keen,
the very unlucky recipient of this week's Wino of the Week award,
sawed off his johnson. (Insert your own "wood"-related
joke here...)
When the police and ambulance
crews arrived at Mr. Keen's home in Wantage, Oxfordshire, they found
him and his "little buddy" in the bath tub and they immediately
rushed him to the hospital. Doctors managed to reattach the
little fella and are reporting that things are "looking up".
(Sorry, I just made that last part up...).
Now check this out...
Severing his man tool may not have been the most embarrassing part
of this whole incident. Reporters on the scene questioned
his 84 year old mother, Edna, about the incident. Edna
stated that, "Stuart had a very nasty accident
with a saw but he is recovering now. He suffered tissue damage
and had surgery to stitch him up which, I understand, was
successful." Edna went on to say that, "This was an
unfortunate accident but these things happen all the time to people
in his profession." Jeez! This happens all the
time to British carpenters?
(Note to self: Sears is
having a good sale on cabinets...)
WinoJohn
August 1, 2009
We're Baaaack...
Wow. A lot has happened since I
last updated this lame site. First of all, we had a massive
computer virus attack that shut down all our servers and crippled
all of our creative capabilities. We went to Defcon 1,
maximum security mode, and we battened down all the hatches. (Note
to Bob: We need better hatches...) We used every tool in
the arsenal (including locking WinoBob in a hardened bunker for a
few days) but the attack proved to be too lethal for even the
biggest brains in the WinoStuff Cyber Security Lab. We ended up
punting. I broke down and reloaded the OS on the Uber Server that
houses ‘Stuff. It was a tough couple of weeks. But now we’re back
and we’re better (soberer) than ever!
There were many topics that I had
considered writing about for this 2nd coming of Breaking
News. On the one hand, we had the Serena Williams meltdown on
center court at the US Open. There was no clear tie between her
behavior and alcohol (other than the obvious appearance
that she had to be hammered) so we couldn’t honor her with Wino of
the Week.
I had considered creating a new
category called F’ing Douche Bag of the Week. Kanye West
would have been the clear winner of that distinction but we decided
that we did not want to give douche bags a bad name…
So we finally came up with this
story for our Back to School Edition of
Breaking News…
Recently,
police in Fargo, North Dakota, responded to a complaint of a loud
party at the home of 64-year-old Dennis Fike. While they were there,
Fike told police that he needed to go to the bathroom but since
there weren't enough officers present to escort him to the bathroom,
they told him he would have to wait.
Well, it appears that Mr. Fike couldn't (or wouldn't) wait.
(Or, I'm guessing that maybe Dennis had a little too much beer...)
Dennis proceeded to drop his drawers and take a dump.
Right there. In his living room.... As if that wasn't
bad enough, Mr. Fike decided that perhaps he should kick the shit
(literally) at the police officers.
I'm going out on a limb here but I'm guessing that police officers
do not like having fresh shit kicked in their direction.
Naturally, Mr. Fike spent the evening in the Fargo county slammer.
(And, more importantly, he earned himself
WinoStuff Wino of the Week
honors!)
My question is exactly how drunk
do you have to be to take a shit, in your living room, with all your
guests watching, while the police are waiting to arrest you?
Personally, if the police show up at my house to quiet things down,
I’m going to do my best to not shit right then and
there. But that’s just me…
So congratulations, Dennis, you
have done yourself proud...
WinoJohn
September 15, 2009
Whackjob of the Week...
Yes, friends, this week we enjoy
another edition of Whackjob of the Week. In this week's
episode, there is no clearly-stated wine component (otherwise this
would be a Wino of the Week article) but I think we can all surmise
that our Whackjob of the Week has some long term, alcohol-induced
brain impairment. Check this out...
It seems that a Mr. Dalton
Chiscolm of New York (?) was unhappy with the service he was
receiving from his banking institution. Apparently, Bank of
America had rejected several checks that Mr. Chiscolm had either
written or tried to cash because there were problems with the
routing numbers. Mr. Chiscolm called the bank to discuss the
matter but was unhappy with the service he received from a "Spanish
womn". So Dalton did what any red-blooded American
whackjob would do, he sued the bank.
Now here's where it gets
interesting. Apparently, Mr. Chiscolm feels that he is due
compensation for his suffering in the amount of... get this...
$1.784 billion trillion. Yes, "billion trillion'. That's
a lot of money.
As if Bank of America doesn't
already have enough problems, now this dissatisfied customer wants
BofA to fork over $1.784 billion trillion. To put this in
perspective, $1.784 billion trillion is roughly equal to the Gross
Domestic Product of the entire world for the next
30 billion years!!! Ummm... good luck with
that...
This isn't Mr. Chiscolm's first
brush with mega lawsuits. In January of this year, Dalton was
unhappy with his landlord. I guess there was a problem with
the building maintenance staff entering his apartment. So he
sued his landlord for a much more reasonable $892 million billion.
(I suppose he knew that his landlord, unlike Bank of America, could
never come up with a billion trillion dollars...). In his
complaint against the landlord, Mr. Chiscolm states that
"Manerment nor mainterntmen had no atcuse's to
go in my apartment what so ever I had to keep a lock no the kichen
cabernit." (Do you see why I think there may be some
brain impairment?) The court dismissed this previous
lawsuit.
So congratulations, Dalton.
While it's unlikely that you will prevail in your suit against Bank
of America, maybe they will settle out of court for a few hundred
bazillion jillion.
WinoJohn
September 27, 2009
Wine, Women and... well,
that's enough!
You know, I was just about to
write a Breaking News article about the five highly-educated, obviously
intoxicated individuals who squandered $1.4 million. But then
I realized it was already all over the news and no one really cared
that the Norwegian Nobel Prize Committee had awarded the Nobel Peace
Prize to someone who has done... well... nothing.
Then I stumbled onto some real Breaking News.
Check this out...
Two of my favorite subjects made
the news this week; wine and naked French women. Yes, you
heard me, naked French women...
Last weekend, a bunch of French
women got naked and frolicked in a vineyard in Burgundy to raise
awareness about global warming (and the ultimate impact that climate
changes will have on French wine).
The whole thing was filmed by the
famous naked people photographer, Spencer Tunick. Granted, the
whole event was orchestrated in conjunction with Greenpeace and
there were a bunch of hairy old naked French dudes there, too, but
there were NAKED FRENCH WOMEN! Outside! In a vineyard!!!
If you could access the NFL Game Day package (and
get rid of the hairy naked French dudes) and this could be utopia!
According to a
recent Greenpeace report, because of
the warmer temperatures, "Wines end
up having higher sugar levels and
alcohol content while retaining less
acids - which means they are
unbalanced with an overripe flavour
and heavier texture." In
anticipation of the U.N.'s Climate
Change Conference to be held in
Copenhagen in December, Greenpeace
has addressed an open letter to
Nobel Peace Prize winner, President Obama,
along with non-Nobel award winner, President
Merkel, and other heads of
state. In the letter Greenpeace writes:
We're not asking you to
take your clothes off in
Copenhagen - but we do
expect you to be there -
to sign a fair,
ambitious and binding
deal to save the future
of our planet. A
half-decent climate
treaty simply won't do.
We'll see if a bunch of naked French women are enough to influence
the world leaders' decisions (or if the naked French dudes ruined
the entire plan...).
A bunch of naked French women and (unfortunately)
a bunch of naked French dudes
send a message to world leaders in Copenhagen.
You can see the news video on dailymotion.com by
clicking here...
WinoJohn
October 10, 2009
Wino of the Week!
As we recover from yet another
successful fest (this time it was Turkeyfest 2009®),
we pay tribute to all those who partake of a little alcohol and who
don't know better than to stay home when they get hammered.
One such individual warrants special attention. Yeah.
This dude is clearly our Wino of the Week. He wins,
hands down...
Contrary to popular belief, this is NOT WinoBob. (Bob can
drink way more and still function much better...)
WinoJohn
November 6, 2009
Wino of the Week!
This week, we look to the land down under to find our Wino of the
Week. This may be a first for WotW. We'll call it Wino
of the Week - Special Down Under Edition! (Hey, if the NFL can
have Thursday Night Football Special Saturday Night Edition, we can
have WotW-SDUE!)
Any way, it appears that some young New Zealand teenagers were out
having a good time (i.e. drinking) when one of the females in the
group thought that it would be a good idea to stand by the side of
the road and flash her breasts at cars out on the motorway.
Congratulations, Cherelle May Dudfield of Welling ton, New Zealand,
you are our Wino of the Week - Special Down
Under Edition!
OK, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "WinoJohn,
what is the harm in a few whacky kids having some good clean fun???"
Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too, until I heard that one of the
passing motorists was so distracted by the young girl's breastsss
that he had an accident! Whoa, now that's news, isn't it?
Again, I know what you're thinking... You're thinking, "OK,
WinoJohn, get on with it and show us the pictures of the young New
Zealand girl breasts!" Yes, you are clearly on to my clever
ploy to show some breasts on this web site under the thinly veiled
guise of "wine-related news." I am so predictable...
But wait! Hold on just one minute there people. You
don't really think that a drunk chick flashing her hooters qualifies
for Wino of the Week - Special Down Under Edition, do you?
No, no, no. Clearly there's more...
Apparently, Ms.
Dudfield was
out on the median of a four lane highway, showing off her assets.
They must have been some pretty good assets because the distracted
driver... ran her over!!! Yeah, people, now we're
talking Wino of the Week - Special down Under Edition!
Fortunately for Cherelle
(and her breasts) she suffered only minor injuries (which, I
presume, did not involve her breasts...?)
The unidentified driver (who
resembles WinoBob) appears dazed.
Cherelle Dudfield's breasts came through uninjured.
WinoJohn
December 19, 2009
Wino of the Week!
From the Don't Try This at
Home department, we bring you this week's Wino of the Week
feature...
A South Dakota woman recently tried to break WinoBob's Blood Alcohol
Content (BAC) record. (Again, don't try this at home.
WinoBob is a trained professional with a bionic liver. DO NOT TRY
THIS AT HOME!) Back in December, Marguerite Engle was arrested for
driving while intoxicated in Sturgis, SD. Ms. Engle's BAC was
measured at 0.708, almost nine times the legal limit.
Oh yeah, she was found passed out behind the wheel. Of a
stolen van. With drugs in the vehicle...
Now we can all clearly see the amateur mistakes that Marguerite made
in her quest for Wino gold. First, if you are going for the
record, you never do it when you need to drive somewhere.
Second, if you need to drive somewhere, make sure you have a vehicle
available, preferably one that you own. And third, just say
"No" to drugs. Any experienced wino knows these rules.
While Marguerite's BAC clocked in at 0.709 (that's .709%),
she was no where near the actual record. WinoBob holds the
world record at 97.5 (that's 97.5%) which he achieved at
CabFest II just minutes before sinking slowly into the WinoJohn
sectional couch. WinoBob also holds the Olympic record at
93.2% which he achieved at the '82 WinOlympics in Montreal.
For the record, Marguerite was arrested again a few weeks later with
a BAC of more than 3 1/2 times the legal limit. You have to
give her credit for trying...
WinoJohn
January 31, 2010
Frog Fraud Update...
Alert winos will recall that last
year, we reported on a massive fraud perpetrated by the French wine
industry on the unsuspecting American wine consumer. (What?
You don't remember that? Why not?
Click here...)
Anyway, sober WinoStuff fans will recall that we
reported one year ago that mass quantities of French plonk was being
sold to American importers as pricier Pinot Noir by a group of
French winemakers and wine traders. Well this past week,
those French crooks were convicted of some very serious shenanigans,
namely "fraud in the quality and composition of wine". I'm not
sure but I would like to think that "wine fraud" is taken seriously
in France. I'm sure that all those involved in this crime will
do some serious jail time. After all, wine is like the
national product of France. Screw with the wine business and
you are screwing with all that is near and dear to the French
people, not to mention the French economy! I'm sure these
thieves will get their just punishment!
Upon further investigation, I guess I'm wrong. I guess wine
fraud is like jaywalking in France. The reputed kingpin of
this scheme, Claude Courset of the Ducasse wine
trading company, was given the stiffest sentence of the twelve
convicted fraudsters. He was given a six month suspended
sentence and a $61,000 fine. That's it. $61,000
dollars. Given the extremely weak dollar, that's like a day's
pay in France. (Keep in mind that the fraud netted this
criminal enterprise millions of dollars in
ill-gotten profits and drained a large portion of that huge wine
lake that has formed in the wine regions of France.)
Well, I for one am outraged. I'm thinking about firing up the
old boycott engine. We haven't had a good boycott in years and
I'm itching to boycott something. This could be good.
The frogs passed off syrah and merlot as "good pinot noir" (as if
that's not an oxymoron), and Americans were victimized.
We could boycott French pinot noir and it would have literally no
impact on my overall wine drinking habits. This could be
interesting. Stay tuned... (I can hear the steam coming
out of BigBob's ears right now...)
Oh yeah, here's the best part of the story... Most of this
fraud plonk was sold to the mega US wine merchant, E&J Gallo
of Modesto, California. If my memory is correct (and what are
the chances of that?), Ernie and Julie sold the stuff under their
Red Bicyclette brand. As far as I know, there were no
complaints. What does that tell you? Maybe that cheap
merlot and syrah are more palatable to the American consumer than
"good" pinot noir? Hmmm... Interesting...
On one final note. If I'm not mistaken, the Gallo family is a
proud ITALIAN-American family, with good ITALIAN-American values.
Like the values of honesty, integrity and family. As in "you
don't mess with the family..." Unless you like sleeping with
the fishes. Let's see what Ernie and Julie come back with...
WinoJohn
February 21, 2010
Winos of the Week!
This week, the WinoStuff Breaking News team goes out
on another limb. That's right, we are taking a position that
may be considered controversial on the world stage. We have
decided to honor an entire team of foreigners, not all of whom are
even of legal drinking age! This week's Winos of the Week are
none other than the Canadian Women's
Olympic Hockey team!!! Wow! Now that's
controversial!
OK, so they are Canadian. That's not really very "foreign".
It's not like they are from Uzbekistan. So what? They
are from a foreign country and they did win the Olympic Gold Medal
in Vancouver. That's enough to earn them Wino of the Week
honors if I you ask me!
What? You don't think so? Well, check this out...
They are young, hot,
world-class female athletes...
Some of them probably have
French accents...
They just beat the US Hockey
team for the gold medal, and
If that's not enough, after
winning the gold medal, they partied like it's 1999!!!
They partied so hard, in fact, that they received an official
reprimand from the International Olympic Committee (a committee, by
the way, that is completely devoid of hot, young, female hockey
players with French accents...)!!!
It appears that after winning the gold,
the Canadian women hung around on the ice and partied hard, long
after all the fans left the building. They cracked open some
bubbly, they had a few beers. They even fired up a few
stogies. For these actions, we APPLAUD you Canadians!
That's exactly what we would have done if we could actually skate,
much less win a gold medal!
WinoStuff's Olympic Female Hockey correspondent, WinoBob, was on
special assignment in Vancouver and he captured all the
festivities...
Not quite grasping the concept, WinoBob
parties like it's 1972...
So, screw you, IOC, and congratulations,
Canada! This Bud's for you!
Here are a few more pics for all you
winos that feel the way we do...
WinoJohn
February 27, 2010
Fess Parker - Dead at 85
Fess Parker, a 20 year
veteran winemaker, passed away this past week in his home in Santa
Ynez Valley, Ca. He was 85 years old.
Fess Parker is perhaps
best known as Walt Disney's "Davy Crockett, King of the Wild
Frontier". After a successful run as Davey Crockett, Fess
Parker went on to star on the NBC television show, "Daniel Boone".
In 1989, Mr. Parker
turned his interest in wine into a family business. The Fess
Parker Winery operates in the Foxen Canyon wine trail in Los Olivos,
CA and they farm 300 acres of vineyards in the Santa Ynez Valley.
Fess Parker Winery
produced many highly rated wines and are perhaps best known for
their Syrah, Chardonnay and Pinot Noir.
Our sympathies go out the
the entire Parker family.
Fess Parker 1924-2010
WinoJohn
March 20, 2010
Hello Kiddies...
From our "This Is Just Wrong
Department" comes this news item… Lovable children’s character,
Hello Kitty, is now being pimped out to promote a line of Italian
wines. Yes, on the surface, this would appear to be a
violation of most liquor laws, wine labeling laws, child protection
laws and good old common sense. However, a line of Hello Kitty wines is now
being marketed to wine lovers of (hopefully) legal drinking age and
not to prepubescent young girls.
Hello Kitty Wines were originally conceived by an Italian fashion
company, Camomilla S.p.A. Camomilla already does a huge amount of
business manufacturing and selling other Hello Kitty licensed
merchandise. They partnered up with Torti "Tenimenti Castelrotto"
winery to produce the wines and Innovation Spirits is the US
distribution agent
for Hello Kitty wines.
The HK wine lineup will initially include:
Hello Kitty Sparkling Brut Rosé
- A sparkling rose made from 100% Pinot Noir
Hello Kitty Sparkling "Sweet Pink"
– A semi-sweet sparkler
Hello Kitty Angel White -
A white wine made entirely from Pinot Noir free run juice
Hello Kitty Devil Red – A
traditional red Pinot Noir
Although the brand owner is confident that the typical Hello Kitty
fan has grown up and is now of legal age to consume alcoholic
beverages, I still think this is a bit creepy. And frankly,
I’m surprised that the crack team of label inspectors over there at the Bureau of
Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms hasn’t raised the red flag on this
one. If this is allowed to proceed, what’s next?
Hello Kitty Smokes
Hello Kitty Automatic
Weapons
Hello Kitty Thongs
Hmmm... Maybe the
typical Hello Kitty fan is all grown up...
Never mind.
WinoJohn
April 3, 2010
Wino of the Week
This week, we cross the pond to
recognize the accomplishments of one truly dedicated and passionate
wino. Last week, a 20 year old Briton named Laura Hall became
the first person to be banned from EVERY bar, pub and/or club in
Great Britain. It seems that in her short alcohol-consuming career,
Ms. Hall has received 26 alcohol-related convictions including
assault, attacking a police officer, and criminal damage. She
has 12 convictions just for drunk and disorderly behavior!
Under the terms of the ban, Laura
faces a £2,500 fine if she is caught drinking in public in the next
two years. Not
surprisingly, she has also been kicked out of her parents home in
Bromsgrove, Worcestershire.
Here's the bonus info that made Laura
a lock for Wino of the Week... A few days after the ban
went into effect, Ms. Hall was hauled into court AGAIN for drunken
behavior. You gotta admire her commitment. These are the
traits that make a truly memorable Wino of the Week!
Laura Hall - Banned from every
bar and club in the UK
Recognizing this serious and
dangerous anti-social behavior, WinoStuff asked several noted
experts in the field to comment on Ms. Hall's chronic alcohol abuse.
Here's what they had to say...
“You can't change what you don't acknowledge.” -
Dr. Phil
“A
female with a record like this - it's absolutely despicable and
represents all that is rotten in society nowadays.” -
District Judge
Bruce Morgan, presiding judge over Ms.
Hall's most recent hearing
“The treatment for your problem is the Twelve-Step recovery
program, Alcoholics Anonymous. Listen to the process, be
open to the fellowship, obtain your own sponsor, and actually
work the steps. With that, your chances of recovery are quite
good, if you're ready. ” - Dr. Drew, host of Celebrity
Rehab with Dr. Drew
“I'm of the school of thought where, if you can't sort something
out for yourself, no one can help you. Rehab is great for some
people but not others.” - Amy
Winehouse, famous celebrity train wreck
“I'd
hit that...” - WinoBob, noted
wine writer who has been banned from every bar in 83 countries
OK, Laura, you've achieved the
ultimate in social recognition. You are our Wino of the Week.
Now PLEASE, put down the bottle...
OK, here's a first... This week, we are officially
recognizing the excessive alcohol consumption habits of an
entire nation. (You don't get this type of insightful
journalism on just any lame website!) Yes, friends, this month
we honor the efforts of the United Kingdom
to support alcohol sales through mass consumption, providing some
level of economic relief to the beverage industry in these difficult
times.
What prompted this seemingly
artificial award? Well, check this out. About a year
ago, we honored a British couple for getting drunk and having sex on
the lawn of Windsor Castle. Shortly thereafter, we recognized
a British artist/actress for getting hammered on a plane and
drinking a bottle of hand-soap. In July of last year, we
honored a British carpenter for getting drunk and sawing of his
penis. More recently, we honored Laura Hall of the UK for
being arrested more than 26 times for alcohol-related offenses and
for being banned from every bar and club in Great Britain. You
just can't make this shit up! (Actually, you can make this
shit up but, in these cases, I didn't make this shit up!)
Missed those articles? click here...
In doing research for this update,
I came across a recent article about a man who was arrested for
driving drunk. In a pink toy Barbie car. Where was this
genius from? Colchester, England, of course. Today, I
read an article that said that the typical Brit goes to work
hungover three times per month on average. Now that's a
commitment to the cause! It's only going to get worse as the
World Cup soccer tournament nears.
WinoBob celebrates Britain's
WinoNation of the Week award
So, congratulations, mates!
The entire alcohol industry (and this stupid web site) appreciate
your efforts.
WinoJohn
May 29, 2010
Breaking News!!!
Yeah, people, I know... I left the recent "Wino Nation
of the Week" article posted on this site for way too long.
(About a month too long, but who's counting?) But, in my
defense, it was Britain. And the Brits like to
consume their tipple. In fact, I was having a hard time
finding alcohol-related news that did not involve a British citizen.
Take for example the recently released story of Steven Perkins, an
oil futures broker in London who got a little hammered last summer
and started buying huge volumes of Brent crude oil for no apparent
reason. In fact, Mr. Perkins bought a little over 7 million
barrels of the benchmark crude causing world oil prices to spike
to their highest levels of the year. If you do the math,
Steven spent over $500 million of his employers money! (This
could be the largest alcohol-induced spending binge since my Wife
had a few too many Champagnes and went on a shoe-buying spree at the
Short Hills Mall. But I digress...).
As interesting as that story may be, I didn't want to report on the
shenanigans of yet another drunken Brit. I was looking for
something new to report. Plus, I am so tired of
hearing the same things in the news every day. It is all
starting to sound the same. I think I can sum up the entire
world's news in the last 4 weeks in one sentence. Check this
out... Lebron James is still trying to decide whether to
join BP after a massive oil spill caused Chelsea Clinton to lose her
new iPhone and Tiger Woods defeated the new Arizona immigration law
in World Cup Soccer action. There. That's it.
That's all that has happened since we named Britain as Wino Nation
of the Week. Jeez. Cut me a break...
So just when you thought there was no news worthy of this lame site,
along comes this tasty little tidbit...
Celebrity Wino Politician Perv of
the Week
Yes, fans, we are getting
word that our beloved former Vice President,
Al Gore, got a little "tipsy" (and a little "handsy")
with a 54 year old masseuse a few years back. Calling the
former Veep a "crazed sex poodle", the unnamed woman claims that Big
Al fondled and groped her during a massage session at the Hotel
Lucia in 2006. Despite her objections, Mr. Gore forced her to
drink Grand Marnier, pinned her to a bed and forcibly French kissed
her. During the encounter, she believes Al was sporting an
"inconvenient erection". Police have recently reopened the
investigation...
You know, you can't make
this stuff up. (I could make this stuff up but then I'd have
an army of lawyers banging on my door and who wants that???)
So, for actions
unbecoming of a former vice president (but very becoming of a
Celebrity Wino Politician Perv of the Week), we honor Al Gore.
Politician, Environmental Activist, Celebrity Film Maker, Wino,
Pervert. Congratulations, Mr. Vice President!
WinoJohn
July 5, 2010
Wino of the Week
This week, people, we
have to look in-house to find our Wino of the Week. Yes, after
consuming mass quantities of alcohol, one of our own has
distinguished himself in a manner truly befitting this honor.
I am pleased to announce, for the very first time, our own Director
of Creative Something or Another, WinoBob, has been awarded the very
dubious yet coveted title of Wino of the
Week!
So, I know what you are
thinking... You're thinking, "The fix was in. What
could WinoBob possibly have done that could elevate him to this
highest honor?" Or, "How could WinoBob possibly have
outdistanced the incredible competition from an entire Wino Nation
(Britain)?" Here's your answer. How's this for a truly
exceptional wino performance...
After proclaiming for
weeks that World Cup Soccer doesn't get exciting until the 89th
minute, WinoBob shows up at the very humble WinoJohn
home/office/small cottage in the 89th minute of the championship
game between Spain and The Netherlands. Between the 89th
minute and the end of the game, WinoBob proceeded to singlehandedly
down four bottles cases of wine. (In his defense, the game did go
into overtime. And actually, I did get a small taste of one of
the wines while I was preparing the beefsteak for the barbeque.)
Once the final whistle was blown and Spain was declared the world
champion, WinoBob went into a little drunken futbol frenzy. He
grabbed his vuvuzela and stampeded out to the simple, yet tasteful,
WinoJohn deck. Unfortunately, the screen door to the deck was
closed at that moment... The rest, as they say, is WinoStuff
history.
WinoBob celebrates
Spain's victory
Despite what you may have read on other wine-related websites or on
other pages of this stupid site (or on the "Police Blotter" in the
local papers), this is how it really happened. You can't make
this stuff up.
Needless to say, I'm going to have to move...
WinoJohn
July 18, 2010
Free Lindsay!
Yes, friends, it is time that we all pull together in a grass-roots
effort to free the poster child for hard core partying. As you
know, Lindsay Lohan is incarcerated at the Century Regional
Detention Facility in Lynwood, CA. (Yes, the same facility
that once housed party girl / heiress / porn star, Paris Hilton!)
Li Lo is doing time for some sort of "probation violation".
Can you believe that? It's time that we end this miscarriage
of justice!
What? WinoJohn, are you getting all soft-hearted on us?
What's going on? Well, I'll tell you what's going on.
This is what's going on. Lindsay does NOT belong in jail.
That's what's going on!!! Check this out...
Lindsay is a party girl.
i.e. a "wino". Winos don't belong in jail.
Alcohol monitoring bracelets
can't slow this girl down. She is a PROFESSIONAL!
This girl can pack away the
booze. She is like a female version of WinoBob. But
with better boobs.
She is some kind of bisexual
which means she is like half-lesbian. That's cool.
The other prisoners are
reportedly taunting her by screaming "fire crotch!" at
her. (As hot as that sounds, you know, with hot
prison chicks taunting each other before engaging in an actual
prison cat fight, with hair pulling and scratching and tearing
off of prison clothes,... Wait. What was
I saying...? I lost my train of thought...)
And, most importantly, when
she gets out of the slammer, Lindsay is supposedly making a movie
about Linda Lovelace. Yes, THAT Linda Lovelace!
Did you hear that, people, Lindsay
is going to make a movie about a '70s porn star and she can't make
the movie WHILE SHE'S IN PRISON!!! Therefore, we are
requestingdemanding the immediate release of
Lindsay Lohan!!! On... ummm... humanitarian
grounds! (It is inhumane to deprive us of Lindsay as Linda!)
We will not rest until Lindsay is released and permitted to begin
filming her next project. FREE
LINDSAY!!!
Are you with me, people???
A small group of protesters outside the
Century Regional Detention Facility demanding LiLo's release.
WinoJohn
July 25, 2010
Call Starkist...
Do you remember Ron Howard's classic 1982 movie Night Shift?
In that movie, Michael Keaton's character has an idea that could
reshape the way we enjoy canned seafood. "What if we feed
the tuna mayonnaise???" Think about it... It's
sheer comedic brilliance! (Unlike this site which is sheer
comedic nonsense...).
Well some beef producers in western Canada have taken that idea to
heart. No, they are not feeding mayonnaise to tuna. They
are, however, feeding wine to their cattle! What
a great idea! I'm speechless.
According to Janice Ravndahl of Sezmu Meats in British Columbia,
"You don't get any better than steak and wine. We just start a
bit earlier." This cattle woman (and shoe-in for future
WinoBabe of the Month) is clearly a genius. WinoBob, why can't
we think up cool stuff like this?
The Canadian Food Inspection Agency checked into the situation to
make sure that wine-fed beef is safe to eat. While they have
not formally approved the process, they have concluded that there is
no risk to human safety as a result of eating this beef. And
the best part is, according to those who have tasted the product,
the beef has an "enhanced flavor, the marbling is finer and the fat
tastes like candy."
If you think I'm making this up,
click here... I have only one thing to say...,
"Road Trip!"
WinoBob goes undercover to investigate
this Breaking News story...
WinoJohn
August 29, 2010
Wino of the Week
and
Bonehead of the Week
This week, we bring you a daily double. A double whammy.
A twin bill, if you will... Two notable winos in one excellent
wino adventure. Mark this on your calendar...
Last week, an obviously-intoxicated hot chick (we'll call her
Jennifer Gille from St. Claire
Shores, Michigan) got into a cab in Louisiana. The cab
was driven buy some presumably-sober cab driver. The
obviously-intoxicated hot chick proceeded to do two things that put
her in the running for WotW honors... 1) She took off all her
clothes, and 2) she demanded to be taken to Michigan!
Ordinarily, that would be enough to win Wino of the Week honors but
it gets better.
The presumably-sober cab driver did the unthinkable. He drove
to the local police station to ask for help!!! (Dude, what's
up with that???) While the cab driver was out of the car
(we'll call him Bonehead of the Week), the obviously-intoxicated hot
chick climbed into the front seat of the cab and, you guessed it,
she drove away.
Intoxicated hot chick (and Wino of the
Week), Jennifer Gille smiles for the camera at the Covington, La.
police station
Police found the cab about a block away. Jennifer was still in
the cab, still drunk, still naked and presumably still hot.
The cab driver not only got his car back but he also now owns the
dubious title of WinoStuff's
Bonehead of the Week.
WinoJohn
September 18, 2010
Mafia in the Vineyard?
Grape growers in parts of France are reporting that the Mafia
has come to town (and I sense that surrender is imminent...).
Why do these otherwise-intelligent French farmers think that
organized crime has invaded the vineyards? Well, here's the deal...
Increasing numbers of French winemakers are going to bed at night
only to wake up in the morning to find that some or all of their
fully-ripened grapes are gone. Kaput. Missing. As
in, "they were there on the vines when I went to bed last night and
they were gone this morning when I woke up...". According to
British web site,
Telegraph.co.uk, "the criminals strip acres of vines bare and,
overnight, take what can represent a year's work for the farmer...".
(Note to WinoBob: Dude, why didn't we think
of that!!!???) Because of the heinous nature
of the crimes, the French farmers are quick to blame "the mafia".
Those darn frogs, they crack me up! (A more realistic theory
is that the thieves are professionals in the wine industry.)
However, one
French
detective came right out and said that
he feared “a wine mafia gang” was behind
the thefts. He added: “We are
undoubtedly dealing with the kind of
upmarket criminals who steal old master
paintings and antiques to order.”
Uhhh... slow down there,
Inspector Clouseau. It's a pretty
big step to go from stealing
unguarded grapes at night to
lifting a Picasso from the Louvre...
It does seem that the
crime is becoming somewhat "spree-like",
however. Take, for example the
following recent nighttime robberies:
One farmer in the
Langudoc had his entire crop stolen
in a few hours one night.
Some 35 tons of
Cabernet Sauvignon were stolen from
a vineyard near
Villeneuve-les-Beziers in the south
east of France
Similar crimes have
taken place across the
Languedoc-Roussillon, one of
France’s major wine regions.
In Germany, an
entire hill of premium grapes was
stolen one night in Hamburg.
While the crimes are
financially damaging to the grape
growers, I'm going to go out on a limb
here and say that the mob is not
involved. In fact, if the farmers
were paying for the right kind of
"protection", there wouldn't be no
stinkin' problem, if you know what I
mean...
Surveillance
photo shows grainy image of suspected
European nighttime grape thief...
On an unrelated note,
WinoBob is in Europe on entirely
unrelated business. He's over
there doing completely unrelated
electronical business stuff.
Coincidence? Absolutely. And
you don't need to be askin' no more
questions if you know what's good for
you...
WinoJohn
October 8, 2010
Drugged-up Celebrity Whore-Monger of
the Week
If you're a regular here on WinoStuff, you know that we often honor
the drunken antics of our favorite celebrities with a little thing
we call Celebrity Train Wreck of the Week. You have to
do something pretty special to earn that honor. Previous
winners include hard core train wrecks such as Linsday Lohan, Paris
Hilton, Heather Locklear, Plaxico Burress and Britney Spears.
We've even had a very narrowly focused and somewhat-related offshoot
award called Celebrity Wino Politician Perv of the Week (Al Gore).
But you know, sometimes "Celebrity Train Wreck of the Week" just
isn't enough. Sometimes the antics are just too monumental and
they require an honorarium that matches the feat. So this
week, we name our first Drugged-up
Celebrity Whore-Monger of the Week. And there is
only one individual that merits this kind of award.
Congratulations go out to the one, the only... Charlie
Sheen!!!
If you people would just put down the bottle for a second, you would
know that Charlie boy got himself into a bit of trouble this past
week. The story allegedly goes something like this... (I
say "allegedly" because Charlie makes a lot of money and he
probably has a whole boat load of lawyers just itching to sue some
lame web site that reports on his troubles. For the record,
this whole thing is ALLEGED...)
New York City police were called to a disturbance at the Plaza Hotel
last Monday night. The cops entered the room where the ruckus
was taking place just after 2 am. They found Charlie Sheen in
the room drunk. And naked! The room was in tatters and
the chandelier was broken. There was also a terrified porn
star/prostitute locked in the bathroom. She was also naked.
She's the one that called the cops. Police sources report that
Charlie was "intoxicated, irrational and emotionally disturbed."
They gave him a choice... go to a hospital or to jail.
Charlie chose the hospital option. (On a humorous note,
Charlie's people subsequently put out a statement that said "Charlie
just had an allergic reaction to some medication"... Now
that's funny!)
Ok, I know what you are thinking. You're thinking, "Wow,
pretty impressive. Charlie got caught with his pants down.
Nice. But is that really enough to earn Drugged-up Celebrity
Whore-Monger of the Week honors? C'mon, have you guys lowered
your standards?" To that I can only say, relax, there's
more...
Earlier in the evening, Charlie was found naked in the bathroom of
Daniel restaurant in New York. (Apparently, Charlie
likes to be naked...) His face was covered with cocaine
(ALLEGEDLY!!! I meant to say ALLEGEDLY!) RadarOnline.com
reports that a source with knowledge of the situation said that, "He
was snorting cocaine and drinking vodka. He was also drinking
wine. And he was wasted."
OK, so let's put this all in perspective:
Drunk and naked in his room with a terrified porn
star/prostitute when the police arrive
Drunk and naked and covered in cocaine in an upscale restaurant
bathroom (trying to have sex with the same aforementioned porn
star/prostitute)
Makes nearly $2 million per week on a sitcom
Previously married to uber-minky, Denise Richards
Life in shambles and he's still partying like it's 1999
Did I mention the porn star/prostitute?
Folks, I think we have a winner. For actions way above and
beyond the call of duty, we hereby name Charlie Sheen as WinoStuff's
first Drugged-up Celebrity Whore-Monger of
the Week! Congratulations, Charlie. Your
mother must be very proud...
WinoJohn
October 29, 2010
HOLIDAY
FEST!!!
Yes, boys and girls, last night the staff of 'Stuff (and several
close personal friends) celebrated the season with our annual
Holiday Fest. I'm happy to report that we all survived with
our livers intact (more or less...). Wino Odd Job proved once
again that he has culinary skills par excellence. The food
was terrific, the wines were magnificent and the camaraderie was...
well... a little scary.
Check this out... This is what I walked into upon my
arrival at the fest:
WinoStuff's
Holiday Fest 2010
I didn't bother to write down the names of all the wines. I'm
sure someone with better recording skills than I will have taken
care of that. I was too preoccupied with maximizing my
consumption profile. So many wines, so little time. Wino
OJ served up some big hunks of red meat and tiny little taters along
with some other veggies. There were appetizers and, of course,
chocolate brownies for dessert. It was quite a night of food
and drink.
Every time we put on our festing shoes, I learn a little more about
this group of misfits that I call my friends. For example,
this year I learned that:
For some unknown reason, WinoBob recently had an entire
watermelon surgically implanted into his belly
Despite his massive bald cranium, BigBob is surprisingly quite
the stud muffin
During his formative childhood years, WinoBob was once lashed to
a lolly column in his basement and was touched inappropriately
by members of a teenage rock band (this explains a lot!)
During his rebellious teenage years, Wino Rocker played in a
rock band and often practiced in WinoBob's basement (yeah, you
can put two and two together...)
While making jokes about one another's teenage daughters is
generally verboten, all bets are off during a fest
WinoBob should never be left in close proximity to battery
operated Christmas toys (trust me, there is video...)
Even after a night of drunken debauchery, Wino Rocker likes to
end the evening wearing something pretty from Frederick's of
Hollywood
OK. That's a little disturbing insight into the individuals
behind this website. There was nothing disturbing about myself
that was revealed last night, but the fact that I hang out with
these people reveals a lot about my demented state of mind...
You may notice that The Other Bob was conspicuously absent from this
year's fest. That's because The Other Bob is sashaying around
southeast Asia in the performance of his dweeb day job.
Although The OB couldn't be with us last night, he was with us in
spirit. In fact, he had his own little fest over there in Asia
and he sent me the following picture depicting his holiday feast.
Mmmm, mmmm good!
The Other Bob's
Taiwan Fest 2010
Mike, thanks again for your generous hospitality. I don't know
why you put up with our shenanigans every year but we are truly appreciative!
