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This page has old WinoStuff Breaking News! articles from 2009. Looking for News from 2007 and 2008? click here... If you missed some news from 2005 and 2006, click here. If you have no life and need old news from 2003 or 2004, click here. If you are really pathetic and want to read older news from 2000-2002, click here. And get a life! WinoJohn Whackjob of the Week Yeah, yeah, I know. We have Wino of the Week. We have Celebrity Train Wreck of the Week. We even posted a single edition of Politician Train Wreck of the Week. Why do we need Whackjob of the Week, you may ask. My response? Shut the F$@& up. We just do. In this week's edition of Whackjob of the Week, we honor those boys and girls, men and women, liberals and... well, probably mostly liberals... over there at the group known as People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. Yes, PETA. What could those whacky whacksters possibly have done to earn themselves the prestigious Whackjob of the Week award? Get this... PETA is seriously campaigning to get people to start calling fish "sea kittens". That's right, SEA KITTENS!!! I guess that eating nothing but fruits and nuts makes you fruity and nutty... Seriously, PETA wants to alter the "slithery and slimey" image of fish by highlighting their similarities to cuter, more popular animals. Apparently, just like cats and dogs, fish are capable of showing physical affection, they feel pain, and they grieve when their companions die... "It's time for a serious image makeover," PETA said in a statement. While the campaign is aimed primarily at children, PETA has also launched a petition calling for the US Fish and Wildlife Service to abandon its backing for "sea kitten hunting" (fishing). This whole laughable story raises several important and disturbing questions:
As far as I can tell, PETA has opened up a whole can 'o worms (or, as I like to call them, "Slime Puppies"...) with this issue! WinoJohn
Obama Cellar The word is out that president-elect, Barack Obama, has a 1000 bottle wine cellar in his $1.6M house on the south side of Chicago. What does Barry O keep in his cellar and what does this mean for the average American wine drinker? These are the questions that we need answered. A quick check of the facts (these are actual facts, not made-up facts) indicates that wine-drinking states overwhelmingly voted for the B-man. Nine of the top ten wine-consuming states voted for Obama with only the state of Texas breaking rank. Furthermore, 20 of the top 25 wine consuming states went Obamanation. So what does the new prez drink? I guess we'll see... All we know so far is that the inaugural lunch will feature a 2007 Duckhorn Sauvignon Blanc Napa Valley with the first course (seafood stew) and a 2005 Goldeneye Pinot Noir Anderson Valley with the second course (pheasant and duck with sour cherry chutney and molasses sweet potatoes.) A special inaugural cuvee of Korbel Russian River Valley "champagne" is paired with the third course (apple cinnamon sponge cake with sweet cream).
That's it? Sauvignon Blanc, Pinot Noir and an American "Champagne"? Damn, not only do I not like his politics, I don't like his wine. It's going to be a long four years. Sigh... WinoJohn Wino of the Week Here's a story from HeraldNet.com which, as you know, is the online news source for Snohomish County... The HeraldNet reports that a man was arrested early in the morning of January 29 for stealing a vehicle. When police pulled him over, they found a six-pack of beer and some beef jerky in the vehicle. Furthermore, the police report indicated that the police officers smelled 'intoxicants' emitting from the man. Wow! So there you have it. Another amazing Wino of the Week story!!! Some people are just incorrigible... Wait... What's that you say? You're thinking, "That's it? That's the whole story? WinoJohn, have you been hitting the bottle again while researching Breaking News?" (Well, yes. "Hitting the bottle" makes it so much easier to sift through the sea of idiocy in search of Breaking News. But I digress...) Perhaps I left a few details out of the story... Let me see... Oh, yes. Here you go... A few more details...
OK. Now we see the details that qualified this guy for Wino of the Week status. Yet this whole disturbing case raises several important questions:
So there's clearly a lesson to be learned here... but I'm at a loss to tell you what it is. Beer, beef jerky and industrial lifts don't mix? There may be something valuable on the roof of 7-11? I don't know... If you see a lesson here, please let me know.
WinoJohn According to our pals at Decanter.com (the best place on the internet to plagiarize real wine news!), those rascally French are at it again. And, yet again, we Yanks are the victims of their hideous crime. Check this out... Decanter.com reports that over the last four years, several hundred thousand hectoliters of crap wine from the Aude region of Languedoc-Roussillon was fraudulently labeled as "Pinot Noir" from the Vin de Pays d'Oc and exported into the US. Those Frog BASTARDS!!! There they go again! When will they ever learn? They can't just throw around words like "hectoliters". We're NOT metric! If you are going to fraudulently sell wine in this country, you must sell it in gallons!!! Damn you French... But anyway, there is apparently a BIG investigation underway in France. A bunch of individual winemakers, cooperatives, the Ducasse negociant firm and the Sieur d'Arques wine company are all under investigation. According to the report, from 2005 to 2008, "over 120,000 hectoliters of this falsely-lableled Pinot Noir were sold every year into the US..." EVERY YEAR!!! Those Frog bastards!!! It only took the local French government's anti-fraud unit four years to realize that they were exporting 120,000 hectoliters of Vin de Pays Pinot Noir every year even though they only produce a total of 50,000 hectoliters per year. Yeah, they're on the ball over there in the French Wine Anti-Fraud unit. Why is this such a big deal, you may ask? Go ahead. Ask. C'mon,... we're waiting... Well, it appears that Pinot Noir sells for about double the price of the usual plonk from this region. So these French bastards are selling us crap. And charging us twice as much!!! (Thank goodness I don't drink Pinot Noir!) I think it may be time for another one of our famous WinoStuff.com BOYCOTTS... You know, we have this weapon in our arsenal. We hate to use it but sometimes you just have to pull out the big BOYCOTT gun. WinoBob, put this matter on the agenda for the next meeting of the WinoStuff Subcommittee on French Affairs and Potential Boycotts.
WinoJohn
Breaking News!!! Special Double Bonus Edition If you follow this lame site, you know that every once in a while, some drunkard does something completely stupid and gets himself (or herself) honored with our very special award, Wino of the Week. Even more rarely, some idiot does something completely absurd (without the aid of alcohol) and earns himself (or herself) Whackjob of the Week honors. This week, we enjoy the ultra-rare double whammy, the elusive double eagle, that once-in-a-blue-moon occurrence. Yes, winos, this week we recognize a Wino of the Week and a Whackjob of the Week. It doesn’t get much better than this… Oops, did I say it doesn’t get any better than this? Well it does… This week, our Wino of the Week is a chimpanzee (our first non-human Wino of the Week)! And the Whackjob of the Week is the chimp’s owner. Congratulations are in order for Sandra Herold and her chimp, Travis. You probably heard the story, Travis the chimp went a little nuts and mauled Sandra’s friend, Charla Nash. The police were called and the chimp was ultimately killed but not before severely injuring Ms. Nash and tearing up a couple police cars. (Some cartoonist at the New York post used an image of the cops shooting the monkey in a cartoon and the biggest whackjob of them all, Al Sharpton, is accusing the Post, Fox News and Rupert Murdoch of being racist. I’d name the reverend Al as our Whackjob of the Week but I don’t need a bunch of nut bags protesting outside the WinoStuff corporate offices. Again.) So anyway, details have emerged that the relationship between Sandra and Travis was… well… a little “unusual”. Sandra told investigators that she and Travis (the CHIMPANZEE) would often enjoy a nice steak and a glass of wine before "snuggling in bed together". Excuse me… blecchhhh… BLECCCHHHHH!!!!! Sorry about that. It’s not often that I barf while writing this column. Anyway, any chimp that drinks wine is automatically eligible for Wino of the Week honors. And any wine-drinking chimp who goes nuts and eats a woman’s face is a surefire winner! Oh, and what about Sandra, the owner? Does sleeping with a drunk chimp really qualify you for Whackjob of the Week honors? Are we lowering our standards just to achieve the double junk? I don’t think so. As it turns out, when Travis first started misbehaving, Sandra gave him some tea. Laced with Xanax. OK!!! There we go! We have a winner! Now we’re talking Whackjob of the Week!!!
WinoJohn
French Government Advises: In a move that can only be described as political mass suicide, members of the French Ministry of Health have advised the French people to stop drinking wine. I'm not making this up. The Frog government is telling the Frog people to do something that would not only devastate the Frog economy but it would probably also lower their overall health. Only in France... According to our friends at Decanter.com, France's Ministry of Health has published guidelines which advise that "the consumption of alcohol, and especially wine, is discouraged." Citing findings by the French National Cancer Institute, the health ministers advise that consumption of only a small amount of alcohol can increase the risk of mouth and throat cancer by 168%. The cancer institute president, Dominique Maraninchi, said that "small daily doses of alcohol are the most harmful. There is no amount, however small, which is good for you." Well, to me it seems obvious. If small daily doses of wine are the most harmful, we should be consuming large daily doses of wine! Right? C'mon, WinoStuff has often reported on the many health benefits of drinking wine. The long discussed "French Paradox" notes that French people have relatively low rates of coronary heart disease even though they typically consume relatively large amounts of saturated fat in their diets. The reason for this is wine. They drink a lot of wine. Are those French health ministers really that dense? Let's take it one step further. Over the last 20 years, average wine consumption by the French has declined substantially. (I don't know why, it just has...). Over that same time period, the cancer rate among the French people has doubled. Voila! There you go! A direct correlation! If you drink less wine, you'll develop cancer. Period. Try that on for size, Monsieur Health Minister. Here's one more indisputable fact in the argument over wine's health benefits. WinoBob personally consumes several hundred hectoliters of wine per week in the performance of his WinoStuff duties. (I don't know what a hectoliter is but Bob does and he's the one consuming them!) When I first met Bob 15 years ago, he was just a sickly stick figure with a near-zero body mass. Today, Bob is the picture of health, albeit a picture of a healthy stick figure with a near-zero body mass. What a transformation! And to what does Bob attribute this amazing turnaround? You guessed it... his daily mass consumption of red wine. I rest my case.
WinoJohn
Poor Unfortunate Bastard Yes, it's a new category. Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the Week. PUBotW, for short. This week, I came across a story that didn't fit into any of our existing categories. If this guy had been drinking, he would have qualified for Wino of the Week. If he had done something really stupid and gotten himself killed or arrested, he would qualify for Whackjob of the Week. But, unfortunately, that is not the case. But yet, his story screamed to be told. Literally... It seems that there was this poor unfortunate bastard named Haris, living in some remote village in Indonesia. One day recently, he was going about his daily chores. He was unloading sand from a horse-drawn cart. The horse was an unpredictable sort named Bundi. That afternoon, Haris' life would change dramatically as he found himself being rushed to the hospital. His is a particularly painful story. So what caused Haris' to be rushed to the hospital (and subsequently earn Poor Unfortunate Bastard of the Week honors)? Well, it's like this... Without any notice or provocation, the horse, Bundi, lunged at Haris... and... ummm... bit off one of his testicles!!!! OUUCCHHHH!! Owww!! Oh, my god, my boys are cramping up just reporting this story... Fortunately, the horse spit out the severed teste and some lucky villager ended up with a souvenir and a great story to tell the grandkids. I'm sorry, did I just say that the dude had one of his balls bitten off??? OUUCCCHHHHH!!!!! OWWWWW!!! Ughhhhh.....!!! Man, I can't get this image out of my head. An equine-induced nad-ectomey. The poor guy was dejeweled by some old nag. It really doesn't get much worse than this. I was going to Photoshop something to depict Haris' terrible plight but, frankly, it was making me sick. So I have added the following snippets. Feel free to Photoshop these images into something truly disturbing...
WinoJohn
Sideways Goes (Far) East The 2004 movie, Sideways, which was based in the wine regions of Santa Barbara, California, is getting a Japanese makeover. And not all California wineries are thrilled with the idea. Sideways is generally considered to have killed the merlot business in California (although one could argue that bad merlot killed the merlot business in California...). For that reason, many California wine producers were reluctant to grant permission for the remake of Sideways to be filmed at their wineries. No one wants to shoot themselves in the foot by promoting a film that may ultimately have a negative impact on their sales. Recently, however, several high profile wineries such as Beringer, Domaine Chandon and Frog's Leap have relented and granted permission. If you recall, sales of merlot dropped dramatically in the US after the release of the original Sideways movie in which the main character speaks disparagingly about merlot (while at the same time promoting pinot noir...? What's up with that?). The Japanese Sideways movie is due out in Japan in the fall...
WinoJohn
Paris Gets Naked for Champagne! A few years ago, we reported that Paris Hilton likes it (champagne) in the can. Missed it? Click here... Paris promoting champagne seemed like a respectable gig. After all, the chick had previously starred in some homemade porn. She went to parties without underwear. She did a little stint in jail. She was all over the map. Well, Paris is back in the news again. What did Paris do this time? Well, the multimillionaire heiress posed for an ad for that same champagne (Rich Prosecco)! Ummm… this time, she was... naked. I have just one thing to say to Paris Hilton. Thank You!!! I’m so tired of hearing about new, mass-produced cheap wines with labels depicting cute little animals (White Tail, Smoking Loon, Black Swan, Monkey Bay, 3 Blind Moose, Little Penguin, etc.) or "edgy" names (Fat Bastard, Cleavage Creek, Bitch (grenache), Big Ass Cab, Menage a Trois, etc.) I recently read a disturbing statistic that said that new wines with funny animal names, fuzzy critters on the label or edgy names outsell other new wines by more than 2 to 1. I just don’t get it. So, when I saw the new wine ad from Rich Prosecco, I thought, “these guys are geniuses”! Fat old middle-aged men don’t want cute wine labels. We want just one thing… Hot Rich Naked Chick Wine. In a can. Is that too much to ask? Neither the geniuses at Rich Prosecco nor the lovely and talented Paris Hilton would return my calls so I can’t post their comments. But that’s OK, I have pictures…
After all, whenever I find myself naked in the hot desert sun and I happen to be painted gold, all I want is a nice can of champagne...
WinoJohn Wino(s) of the Week! This week, the crack WinoStuff Awards Committee traveled overseas. Across the pond, to be exact. And what did we find over in merry old England? We found our Wino of the Week, of course. Actually, we found our Winos of the Week. Yes, friends, this week our Winos of the Week are loyal subjects of the British monarchy. Right then, cheerio, stiff upper lip, and all that. What did these two Brits do to earn the Wino of the Week honors? Well, check this out… Joy Taylor and Phil Carden, both in their early thirties, had a little too much to drink (always a prerequisite to Wino of the Week recognition) and proceeded to… get this… HAVE SEX!!! Can you believe it? They had sex!! Well, there you go! Bloody well right, Winos of the Week!!! Oh, wait, there’s more… This amorous British couple not only had sex, they had sex... in broad daylight! Outside! On the lawn of WINDSOR CASTLE!!! Oh yeah, now we’re talking. Winos of the Week. I would go so far as to say that they are in serious contention for Winos of the Year! Apparently, the inebriated couple stripped down to their birthday suits and proceeded to go at it on the lawn of the castle. Guards in the castle, as well as multitudes of tourists, watched the couple go at it for nearly twenty minutes. Many of the tourists actually photographed and video-taped the lawn romp. Near the conclusion of the festivities, the couple was arrested by armed Royal Protection Squad officers. (Editor’s note: Phil, dude, twenty minutes? If you’re going to perform on the world stage, you’re going to have to bring your “A” game…) So, our hats are off to Joy and Phil. Congratulations, you whacky Brits. You are our Winos of the Week!
Wino(s) of the Week! For the second week in a row, we are naming two people as our Winos of the Week. Although, this week, "naming" them was not so easy... Here's the story... About a week ago, two guys were out having a good time, probably drinking a few beers. We've all been there... You toss back a few cold ones, you're heading out to get in your car to go home and you feel the urge... You gotta take a leak but you have already left the bar. Maybe there's a cover charge, maybe there's someone in the bar you don't want to see again. Whatever. You don't want to go back inside. What do you do? I'll tell you what you don't do... You don't piss on the car next to yours. Last week, two men in Pullman, Washington did just that. Yes, our Winos of the Week violated some kind of unwritten guy law. It may even be the eleventh commandment... XI.) Thou Shalt Not Piss on Thy Neighbor's Car. Well these two guys did just that and guess what? Let's just say it didn't turn out so well. It seems that the owner of the other car was actually IN the car at the time. And, as you might imagine, he was none too pleased with the flagrant violation of man law and he took matters into his own hands. He grabbed a golf club from his car and he beat the piss out of the two perpetrators. (No pun intended.) Both men were injured. One of the perps was hospitalized with a fractured arm. And the best part? The owner of the now urine-scented auto, he got away before the police arrived. In this violence prone society, this story raises several important questions:
Unfortunately, I could not, for the life of me, find the names of these two idiots before naming them WotW. So, to you two anonymous A-holes, congratulations! You are our Winos of the Week!
US Government Proposes Increase in Alcohol Tax!!
The existing tax on a 750ml bottle of wine is currently $0.21. Under the new legislation, the federal tax on a bottle of wine would increase to $0.70. Some might argue that this is only a 49 cent increase. That may seem insignificant to some but to others, this represents a significant increase in spending. For WinoBob alone, this amounts to a potential out of pocket cost of tens of thousands of dollars per year. What does this mean to wine producers? Well, to the ultra premium category it may be insignificant. Who cares if you pay $100 for a cult cab or $100.49? Those people won't even feel the pain. But for producers like Charles Shaw, it could mean changing an entire brand. After all, who is going to buy "Two Buck Forty Nine Cent Chuck"? It just doesn't have the same ring... Well, I for one am not happy. I think I'm going to write a letter. To my Senator. Oh yeah, I live in New Jersey. It won't matter if I write a letter (unless that letter contains a little 'payola', if you know what I mean...) Sigh. But you can do something, people. Get up off your butts and do something! Anaything! Make a call. Write a letter. Stage a protest. Do what the radial French winemakers, the CRAV, are doing. Set off a few firecrackers and run away. (Hey, it may not be "daring" but at least they are doing something!) As they say over in Nike-ville, "Just DO IT!"
WinoJohn Wino of the Week!!! This week, we turn to the friendly skies of United Airlines to find an absolutely standout wino. Check this out... In Britain, Galina Rusanova is known as a respected artist, actress and author who rubs elbows with the rich and famous at London parties and charity events. She would appear to be a real upscale, "society" type. Last month, however, Ms. Rusanova took a trip to Los Angeles to meet some dude she met over the internet. I'm guessing that the encounter didn't go so well...On the flight back to London, the lovely and talented Galina went a little... let's say... 'bonkers'. Apparently, about three hours into the flight, Galina became a little agitated. After mixing wine with prescription drugs, Ms. Rusanova began moving about the cabin, bothering other passengers and mumbling incoherently. It was at this point, the Russian-born artist decided to drink a whole bottle of hand soap from the airplane restroom. When the flight attendants tried to calm her, Galina attacked them and, at one point, she is alleged to have "dropped to the floor and started snapping like a dog...". She even tried to bite a flight attendant. Unfortunately, the pilots decided to end the episode early by diverting the flight to Bangor, Maine where the FBI arrested her. (Apparently, the FBI has no sense of humor when it comes to drunk chicks, hand soap and airplanes!) Wow. That's one sloppy drunk...
You don't see over-the-top, extreme
wino behavior like this very often. In fact,
in my thirty-something years of excess wine
consumption, I don't ever remember barking like a
dog and biting a flight attendant. And it's
been
WinoJohn
Hip Hop Cognac!!! In a move that is reminiscent of something out of Saturday Night Live, American hip hop/rap star, Ludacris, has announced that he is launching his own brand of Cognac. Born Christopher Bridges, Ludacris has partnered with a Norwegian-owned Cognac producer to create a brand that he calls Conjure. Ludacris went to Cognac and personally blended 14 different cognacs to come up with Conjure. Conjure will debut in Norway in July and in the US in September. (Debut in Norway? What up wit' dat?) Ludacris, who is famous for such notable albums as Word of Mouf and songs such as Move Bitch, may seem an unlikely Cognac producer but we are reminded of the great 1990s SNL character, Leon Phelps (Tim Meadows), aka The Ladies Man. Leon Phelps single-handedly introduced Courvoisier to a new generation of cognac lovers. Perhaps Mr. Ludacris can have the same effect on my kids... (God, I hope not...)
WinoJohn
A Bottle of Coke... Owners and winemakers from Vinos Kohlberg in Bolivia were shocked to find out that a shipment of their Bodegas Kohlberg wine was being held up by customs officers in Bulgaria. It was probably just a paperwork snafu. Apparently, the paperwork indicated that the 1020 bottles of Bodegas Kohlberg contained wine from the southern Bolivia winery. In fact, 952 of the bottles contained LIQUID COCAINE!!! Those customs inspectors can be so picky... Obviously, officials at the winery are denying any involvement. 'This illegal action is absolutely not what we stand for,' said Lisette Kohlberg. Duhhh?? Thanks for that update, Lisette. We thought that maybe bottling liquid cocaine was part of your business plan... After all, Bolivia is the third largest cocaine producer in the world. If you want to be number one, you have to get innovative! The news of this adulterated wine raises several troubling questions:
And most importantly,
WinoJohn
Wino of the Week... Once again, we feel the need to pay tribute to someone who, at some point in time, consumed a little too much alcohol and did something that is truly newsworthy. This week we again look across the pond to find our most deserving recipient. Where do I begin...? Well, it seems this bloke named Stuart Keen had a little too much to drink. (I suppose all WotW stories start with something similar to this...). Being a professional carpenter, Stuart got a little buzzed and felt the need to cut some wood for a cabinet that he was making in his home woodshop. Yada, yada, yada, the Emergency Services operator (the UK equivalent of the 911 operator) received a call pleading, "Help me! I'm bleeding to death!" Well, as you probably know, alcohol and woodworking tools don't mix. Or you could say that friends don't let friends saw drunk. You could say any number of things but what you can't say is that Mr. Keen's penis remained attached to his body. Yes, that's right winos, Stuart Keen, the very unlucky recipient of this week's Wino of the Week award, sawed off his johnson. (Insert your own "wood"-related joke here...) When the police and ambulance crews arrived at Mr. Keen's home in Wantage, Oxfordshire, they found him and his "little buddy" in the bath tub and they immediately rushed him to the hospital. Doctors managed to reattach the little fella and are reporting that things are "looking up". (Sorry, I just made that last part up...). Now check this out... Severing his man tool may not have been the most embarrassing part of this whole incident. Reporters on the scene questioned his 84 year old mother, Edna, about the incident. Edna stated that, "Stuart had a very nasty accident with a saw but he is recovering now. He suffered tissue damage and had surgery to stitch him up which, I understand, was successful." Edna went on to say that, "This was an unfortunate accident but these things happen all the time to people in his profession." Jeez! This happens all the time to British carpenters? (Note to self: Sears is having a good sale on cabinets...)
WinoJohn
We're Baaaack... Wow. A lot has happened since I last updated this lame site. First of all, we had a massive computer virus attack that shut down all our servers and crippled all of our creative capabilities. We went to Defcon 1, maximum security mode, and we battened down all the hatches. (Note to Bob: We need better hatches...) We used every tool in the arsenal (including locking WinoBob in a hardened bunker for a few days) but the attack proved to be too lethal for even the biggest brains in the WinoStuff Cyber Security Lab. We ended up punting. I broke down and reloaded the OS on the Uber Server that houses ‘Stuff. It was a tough couple of weeks. But now we’re back and we’re better (soberer) than ever! There were many topics that I had considered writing about for this 2nd coming of Breaking News. On the one hand, we had the Serena Williams meltdown on center court at the US Open. There was no clear tie between her behavior and alcohol (other than the obvious appearance that she had to be hammered) so we couldn’t honor her with Wino of the Week. I had considered creating a new category called F’ing Douche Bag of the Week. Kanye West would have been the clear winner of that distinction but we decided that we did not want to give douche bags a bad name… So we finally came up with this story for our Back to School Edition of Breaking News… Recently,
police in Fargo, North Dakota, responded to a complaint of a loud
party at the home of 64-year-old Dennis Fike. While they were there,
Fike told police that he needed to go to the bathroom but since
there weren't enough officers present to escort him to the bathroom,
they told him he would have to wait. My question is exactly how drunk do you have to be to take a shit, in your living room, with all your guests watching, while the police are waiting to arrest you? Personally, if the police show up at my house to quiet things down, I’m going to do my best to not shit right then and there. But that’s just me…
So congratulations, Dennis, you have done yourself proud...
WinoJohn
Whackjob of the Week... Yes, friends, this week we enjoy another edition of Whackjob of the Week. In this week's episode, there is no clearly-stated wine component (otherwise this would be a Wino of the Week article) but I think we can all surmise that our Whackjob of the Week has some long term, alcohol-induced brain impairment. Check this out... It seems that a Mr. Dalton Chiscolm of New York (?) was unhappy with the service he was receiving from his banking institution. Apparently, Bank of America had rejected several checks that Mr. Chiscolm had either written or tried to cash because there were problems with the routing numbers. Mr. Chiscolm called the bank to discuss the matter but was unhappy with the service he received from a "Spanish womn". So Dalton did what any red-blooded American whackjob would do, he sued the bank. Now here's where it gets interesting. Apparently, Mr. Chiscolm feels that he is due compensation for his suffering in the amount of... get this... $1.784 billion trillion. Yes, "billion trillion'. That's a lot of money. As if Bank of America doesn't already have enough problems, now this dissatisfied customer wants BofA to fork over $1.784 billion trillion. To put this in perspective, $1.784 billion trillion is roughly equal to the Gross Domestic Product of the entire world for the next 30 billion years!!! Ummm... good luck with that... This isn't Mr. Chiscolm's first brush with mega lawsuits. In January of this year, Dalton was unhappy with his landlord. I guess there was a problem with the building maintenance staff entering his apartment. So he sued his landlord for a much more reasonable $892 million billion. (I suppose he knew that his landlord, unlike Bank of America, could never come up with a billion trillion dollars...). In his complaint against the landlord, Mr. Chiscolm states that "Manerment nor mainterntmen had no atcuse's to go in my apartment what so ever I had to keep a lock no the kichen cabernit." (Do you see why I think there may be some brain impairment?) The court dismissed this previous lawsuit. So congratulations, Dalton. While it's unlikely that you will prevail in your suit against Bank of America, maybe they will settle out of court for a few hundred bazillion jillion.
WinoJohn
Wine, Women and... well, that's enough! You know, I was just about to write a Breaking News article about the five highly-educated, obviously intoxicated individuals who squandered $1.4 million. But then I realized it was already all over the news and no one really cared that the Norwegian Nobel Prize Committee had awarded the Nobel Peace Prize to someone who has done... well... nothing. Then I stumbled onto some real Breaking News. Check this out... Two of my favorite subjects made the news this week; wine and naked French women. Yes, you heard me, naked French women... Last weekend, a bunch of French women got naked and frolicked in a vineyard in Burgundy to raise awareness about global warming (and the ultimate impact that climate changes will have on French wine). The whole thing was filmed by the famous naked people photographer, Spencer Tunick. Granted, the whole event was orchestrated in conjunction with Greenpeace and there were a bunch of hairy old naked French dudes there, too, but there were NAKED FRENCH WOMEN! Outside! In a vineyard!!! If you could access the NFL Game Day package (and get rid of the hairy naked French dudes) and this could be utopia! According to a recent Greenpeace report, because of the warmer temperatures, "Wines end up having higher sugar levels and alcohol content while retaining less acids - which means they are unbalanced with an overripe flavour and heavier texture." In anticipation of the U.N.'s Climate Change Conference to be held in Copenhagen in December, Greenpeace has addressed an open letter to Nobel Peace Prize winner, President Obama, along with non-Nobel award winner, President Merkel, and other heads of state. In the letter Greenpeace writes:
We'll see if a bunch of naked French women are enough to influence the world leaders' decisions (or if the naked French dudes ruined the entire plan...).
You can see the news video on dailymotion.com by clicking here...
WinoJohn
Wino of the Week! As we recover from yet another successful fest (this time it was Turkeyfest 2009®), we pay tribute to all those who partake of a little alcohol and who don't know better than to stay home when they get hammered. One such individual warrants special attention. Yeah. This dude is clearly our Wino of the Week. He wins, hands down...
Contrary to popular belief, this is NOT WinoBob. (Bob can drink way more and still function much better...)
WinoJohn
Wino of the Week! This week, we look to the land down under to find our Wino of the Week. This may be a first for WotW. We'll call it Wino of the Week - Special Down Under Edition! (Hey, if the NFL can have Thursday Night Football Special Saturday Night Edition, we can have WotW-SDUE!) Any way, it appears that some young New Zealand teenagers were out having a good time (i.e. drinking) when one of the females in the group thought that it would be a good idea to stand by the side of the road and flash her breasts at cars out on the motorway. Congratulations, Cherelle May Dudfield of Welling ton, New Zealand, you are our Wino of the Week - Special Down Under Edition! OK, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking, "WinoJohn, what is the harm in a few whacky kids having some good clean fun???" Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too, until I heard that one of the passing motorists was so distracted by the young girl's breastsss that he had an accident! Whoa, now that's news, isn't it? Again, I know what you're thinking... You're thinking, "OK, WinoJohn, get on with it and show us the pictures of the young New Zealand girl breasts!" Yes, you are clearly on to my clever ploy to show some breasts on this web site under the thinly veiled guise of "wine-related news." I am so predictable... But wait! Hold on just one minute there people. You don't really think that a drunk chick flashing her hooters qualifies for Wino of the Week - Special Down Under Edition, do you? No, no, no. Clearly there's more... Apparently, Ms. Dudfield was out on the median of a four lane highway, showing off her assets. They must have been some pretty good assets because the distracted driver... ran her over!!! Yeah, people, now we're talking Wino of the Week - Special down Under Edition! Fortunately for Cherelle (and her breasts) she suffered only minor injuries (which, I presume, did not involve her breasts...?)
WinoJohn
Wino of the Week! From the Don't Try This at Home department, we bring you this week's Wino of the Week feature... A South Dakota woman recently tried to break WinoBob's Blood Alcohol Content (BAC) record. (Again, don't try this at home. WinoBob is a trained professional with a bionic liver. DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!) Back in December, Marguerite Engle was arrested for driving while intoxicated in Sturgis, SD. Ms. Engle's BAC was measured at 0.708, almost nine times the legal limit. Oh yeah, she was found passed out behind the wheel. Of a stolen van. With drugs in the vehicle... Now we can all clearly see the amateur mistakes that Marguerite made in her quest for Wino gold. First, if you are going for the record, you never do it when you need to drive somewhere. Second, if you need to drive somewhere, make sure you have a vehicle available, preferably one that you own. And third, just say "No" to drugs. Any experienced wino knows these rules. While Marguerite's BAC clocked in at 0.709 (that's .709%), she was no where near the actual record. WinoBob holds the world record at 97.5 (that's 97.5%) which he achieved at CabFest II just minutes before sinking slowly into the WinoJohn sectional couch. WinoBob also holds the Olympic record at 93.2% which he achieved at the '82 WinOlympics in Montreal. For the record, Marguerite was arrested again a few weeks later with a BAC of more than 3 1/2 times the legal limit. You have to give her credit for trying...
WinoJohn
Frog Fraud Update... Alert winos will recall that last year, we reported on a massive fraud perpetrated by the French wine industry on the unsuspecting American wine consumer. (What? You don't remember that? Why not? Click here...) Anyway, sober WinoStuff fans will recall that we reported one year ago that mass quantities of French plonk was being sold to American importers as pricier Pinot Noir by a group of French winemakers and wine traders. Well this past week, those French crooks were convicted of some very serious shenanigans, namely "fraud in the quality and composition of wine". I'm not sure but I would like to think that "wine fraud" is taken seriously in France. I'm sure that all those involved in this crime will do some serious jail time. After all, wine is like the national product of France. Screw with the wine business and you are screwing with all that is near and dear to the French people, not to mention the French economy! I'm sure these thieves will get their just punishment! Upon further investigation, I guess I'm wrong. I guess wine fraud is like jaywalking in France. The reputed kingpin of this scheme, Claude Courset of the Ducasse wine trading company, was given the stiffest sentence of the twelve convicted fraudsters. He was given a six month suspended sentence and a $61,000 fine. That's it. $61,000 dollars. Given the extremely weak dollar, that's like a day's pay in France. (Keep in mind that the fraud netted this criminal enterprise millions of dollars in ill-gotten profits and drained a large portion of that huge wine lake that has formed in the wine regions of France.) Well, I for one am outraged. I'm thinking about firing up the old boycott engine. We haven't had a good boycott in years and I'm itching to boycott something. This could be good. The frogs passed off syrah and merlot as "good pinot noir" (as if that's not an oxymoron), and Americans were victimized. We could boycott French pinot noir and it would have literally no impact on my overall wine drinking habits. This could be interesting. Stay tuned... (I can hear the steam coming out of BigBob's ears right now...) Oh yeah, here's the best part of the story... Most of this fraud plonk was sold to the mega US wine merchant, E&J Gallo of Modesto, California. If my memory is correct (and what are the chances of that?), Ernie and Julie sold the stuff under their Red Bicyclette brand. As far as I know, there were no complaints. What does that tell you? Maybe that cheap merlot and syrah are more palatable to the American consumer than "good" pinot noir? Hmmm... Interesting... On one final note. If I'm not mistaken, the Gallo family is a proud ITALIAN-American family, with good ITALIAN-American values. Like the values of honesty, integrity and family. As in "you don't mess with the family..." Unless you like sleeping with the fishes. Let's see what Ernie and Julie come back with...
WinoJohn |
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