Limey Dork named OBE !!!

World-famous wine writer and Limey Dork, Hugh Johnson, was named an Officer of the British Empire in the Queen's New Year Honours List.  While that may not mean a lot to the average American wino, it is apparently a big deal to the Brits.  The 67 year-old Johnson was awarded this honour for his many years of service to both wine and horticulture.  (Who knew that the Limey Dork is not only a wine expert but also an accomplished horticulturist with a particular interest in trees!)  This honour is awarded to only 858 people every year so you can imagine how dorky the rest of the list must be.  (The alert wino will notice that I am using the British spelling of words such as "honour" out of respect for the Dorkmeister himself.)

Among Mr. Johnson's many achievements, the Limey Dork has written a number of books including The World Atlas of Wine, The Annual Pocket Wine Book, The International Book of Trees and The Gardener's Companion - The Principles and Practice of the Gardener's Art.  Mr. Johnson is currently a partner in the Royal Tokaji Wine Company in Hungary and was at one time director of Chateau Latour.  Although Hugh Johnson was named Decanter Magazine's Man of the Year in 1995, if you ask him about his greatest achievement, he would (probably) say that he most cherishes the honour of being named WinoStuff.com's WinoBabe of the Month back in April of 2007.  (Missed that?  Got a strong stomach?  click here...)

Ewww...  That is nasty... 

Here is a slightly less disgusting picture of the Dorkman...

Limey Dorks are known for their cool hair and bad teeth...

So then, tally ho, mate.  Cheers then.  You're a bit of a wanker now, eh?  Cheerio.  Stiff upper lip.  Bloody well done!

WinoJohn
January 14, 2007  

"Wine" for your pooch?

One of my many wine-related news services recently sent me a headline that caught my eye.  It read something like, "More ways to pamper your four legged friend...".  Now, being the alert wino news hound that I am (no pun intended), I immediately clicked through to find an article that talked about the insane amount of money that people are spending on their pets.  As I read about some of the silly items that people can buy for their pets, such as pet jewelry, pet beds, pet spa products and massage oils, etc., one item stood out.  Yes, my wino friends, one company is promoting "Fine wine for the canine and feline".  This was almost too ridiculous to be true...

But, alas, it is true.  Sort of.  Some company called Bark Vineyards is promoting their line of pet wines.  Their 2007 lineup includes: Barkundy, Meowlot, Sauvignon Bark and Pinot Leasheo.  A quick visit to their website indicates that "a gourmet treat experience awaits the canine or feline who receives a bottle of the Bark Vineyards' 2007 varietals.  Pour evenly over a meal, step back as your beloved furry friend savors the delicious bouquet and unique flavors."

This disturbing story raises several important questions:

• Exactly how stupid are the people that buy this stuff?

• Can they legally call it "Barkundy" if it doesn't come from Barkundy, France?

• If a dog drinks Meowlot, is he gay?

• Will homeless people splurge and have this "wine" with their cat food?

After consuming nearly three cases of this new animal wine (in an attempt to answer the aforementioned questions), the boys in the WinoStuff Animal Products Testing Lab have discovered that this crap is actually some kind of gravy that pet owners pour over their pets' food.  It seems to me to be some kind of "truth in advertising" violation.  WinoBob, contact the lawyers, we have another lawsuit to file!

WinoBob tests pooch wine on his dog, WinoRover

WinoJohn
January 27, 2007 

Save the Wino, Save the World

Alert winos will have seen recent news articles concerning an important discovery coming out of Spain.  (Comatose winos can continue reading here to find out about this discovery...)  It appears that a crack team of Spanish scientists (el equipo de científicos españoles expertos) has discovered that ozone can be used in place of sulfites to preserve wine grapes.  This technique also results in a wine with higher levels of antioxidants.  This could mean that..., hold on to your hats, people..., this could mean that the average wino could drink more wine (with more health benefits) without experiencing the sulfite-induced hangover headache!  This could be huge! 

Here is an excerpt from an article in The Daily Mail...

As with any new scientific breakthrough, this announcement raises several
important questions:

1. Who the hell is that hot chick with the wine glass in the article?

2. If we can generate ozone to act as a preservative for wine, why don't
   we erect gigantic ozone generators to replenish the depleted ozone layer
   in the atmosphere and stop global warming (and Al Gore)?

3. Exactly how much wine could WinoBob drink if there was no chance of
   hangover from excess sulfites?

4. If this technology is adopted across the industry, would wine demand increase?  Would the worldwide wine glut disappear?  Would France be able to sell their less-than-stellar wines to an unsuspecting international market?

We need answers and the staff of 'Stuff is on the job!  We plan to drink as much of the ozone-treated wine as we can in order to inform you, the info-needy wino public.  Stay tuned...

WinoJohn
February 11, 2007

Celebrity Train Wreck of the Week!

Yes, winos, we are happy to launch a new feature that we proudly call Celebrity Train Wreck of the Week.  Like our now-famous feature, Wino of the Week, Celebrity Train Wreck of the Week will not necessarily appear every week.  We only produce this feature when some notable celeb slips up and reveals an overwhelming penchant for excessive alcohol consumption.  (Given the current state of Hollywood, we may be able to run this feature every day, but that sounds like a lot of work...)

This week, we recognize the original pop tart herself, the beaver-flashing, vomit-splashing, now skin-head-scratching, Britney Spears.  It's been all over the news channels.  Over the past two days, the seemingly out of control Mrs. Federline checked in and out of Eric Clapton's Rehab center, stopped by the house to grab a sweatshirt, then went to her favorite beauty parlor.  To shave her head!  Yes, that's right, she shaved her dome.  She put a shine on her cranium.  She pulled a Sinead.  (Maybe she grabbed a couple Apple-tinis back at her house in addition to the sweatshirt!)  I'm guessing that she just wanted the carpet to match the drapes...

Unnamed sources close to Brit have revealed that Britney hooked up with a "bad seed" on the way to the hairdresser.  Once at the beauty parlor, the drinking began and the Wild Child got a little crazy.  The rest, as they say, is Celebrity Train Wreck history...

Britney Spears and an unnamed "evil influence"
 take turns shaving their heads. 

Congratulations, Britney, you are our inaugural Celebrity Train Wreck of the Week!!!

WinoJohn
February 17, 2007 

Another One Bites the Dust...

And another one's gone, and another one's gone, another one bites the dust...

Another wine-related magazine and their web site are calling it quits.  They bought the farm.  They are packing it in.  They are dead as a doornail.  Who is this latest casualty of war?  It is none other than Wine X Magazine and their website, winexmagazine.com. 

Wine X magazine was supposedly founded to provide information on "Wine, Food and an Intelligent Slice of Vice" to Generation X-ers and maybe Generation Y-ers.  Whatever the hell the current 21 to 35 year-old generation is called, that is who they were targeting.  And apparently, the 21 to 35 year-olds were not listening.  Although, if you ask the founder of Wine X magazine, Darryl Roberts, he'll tell you that it was the wine industry itself that wasn't listening.  If you ask me, nobody was listening.

If you have ever visited their website (and I am assuming that their magazine is similarly styled), you would find that they were actually pretty rude.  They were rude to the companies that should be advertising with them.  They were rude to the readers.  They were pretty much rude to everyone.  I think they were trying to be hip or funny but it really just came off as rude.  If I wanted rude, I would just talk to my kids...  But I am certainly not part of their target demographic.

According to Roberts, "There's a lot of talk within the wine industry about marketing to young adults.  New wines have been created, new wine divisions have been formed by large wine companies, all with the idea of targeting young adults. Yet they give us absolutely no support."  He goes on to say, "The wine industry says it's interested in young adults but spends all of its ad and promo money targeting the same people it's been targeting for the past 30 years - rich, old white people."

Yeah.  That's it.  That's the problem.  Rich, old white people.  There is obviously something wrong with targeting rich, old white people.  There is something inherently flawed with the wine companies spending money to attract customers who have the interest, the taste and the disposable income to buy their products. There is just something so wrong with that...  I'll tell you what.  One of the richest, oldest, whitest people I know, WinoWally, could take this magazine and turn it into a money-making machine so let's not talk trash about rich, old white people!

Personally, as a (non)rich, old white person, I think what it really comes down to is competition and a lack of business acumen.  Wine X couldn't compete with the professionalism and financial strength of the well-written glossy mags like Wine Spectator and Wine Advocate.  They couldn't compete with the lame humor, general irreverence and financial hocus pocus of The World's Most Important Website, WinoStuff.com.  And perhaps most importantly, they couldn't compete with hip-hop music, Texas Hold'em Poker, iPods, Abercrombie and Fitch and whatever else kids waste their money on these days. 

Or perhaps they just suck.  A quick visit to their website today highlighted something they called dishwasher salmon.  How could they not succeed with brilliant articles like this?  What winery wouldn't want to advertise on this site only to have their wine paired with a soapy, lemon-scented fish?  I don't get it.  But then again, I'm not Gen X.

WinoJohn
February 25, 2007  

Chicken Wine...

Alert winos will remember Breaking News back in March of 2005 when we reported that some whacky Chinaman named Sun Keman formed a company called the Dalian Fisherman's Song Maritime Biological Brewery to make wine...  out of fish.  (You can't see me but my face is making that ewwww expression!)  Personally, I found that story quite disturbing back then and I find it equally disturbing now.  Why do I bring up this old, disgusting news tidbit now?  Because I recently came across a similar story out of India.  This time, however, the wine is made out of...   you guessed it...  chicken!  What is going on over there in Asia?  Can't they just grow some grapes like the rest of the civilized world?  Jeez...  They go off and do this bizarre stuff and then I am compelled to write about it and we all end up feeling a bit queasy.  It's just wrong, I tell you, it's just wrong.

But here it goes...

The HindustanTimes reports that the people of Rimbick, just below the high reaches of Sandakphu, enjoy a unique local beverage that they call Chicken Wine.  (What?  You don't read the Hindustan Times?  You should!  They are considered the authority on fermented beverages made from fowl...)  No, this is not wine that you enjoy with chicken.  This is wine that you enjoy from chicken.  Apparently, this beverage provides both "a kick" and some "medicinal value."  Mmmmm...   sign me up!

WinoStuff is going out on a limb here and we are going to publish the recipe for some good chicken wine.  Check this out...  It's just this easy...

Take a dressed chicken, remove the legs and head, make a slit in the middle and empty out the liver, intestine and the stomach. Stuff the chicken full of ghee and garam masala and wrap it in a fine cloth. Brew the stuffed, wrapped wino-chicken in a special container called a Fonshi.  (Don't have a fonshi?  You're screwed.) Half-fill the fonshi with Janr (millet beer) and close tightly.  Heat the entire contraption over a wood fire. 

The Janr will evaporate and condense once it hits the upper part of the Fonshi. The condensed liquid will collect inside another vessel called an Odhan. (Oops.  Did I mention that you need an Odhan, too?)  As the distilled fermented liquid soaks into the chicken, add more Janr. 

At some point, I imagine when the chicken is about ready to explode, you remove the whole concoction from the fire and wring out the saturated chicken into a wine bottle.  Invite your friends over and let the good times roll!

Or you could just cook the chicken and eat it with a nice glass of millet beer.  It's up to you...

A young Indian winemaker, WinoBahb,
making his specialty, Chicken Wine

WinoJohn
March 5, 2007  

The British Wine Jock...

This week, I became aware of a disturbing new effort underway at the universities of Oxford and Cambridge in Britain.  I am sorry to report the growing support for... the wine jock.  No, I'm not talking about that rather disgusting thong-like thing that WinoBob insists on wearing while lounging around in his dank, third floor office.  I'm talking about efforts underway within the wine societies of Oxford and Cambridge to have wine tasting recognized as an official school sport, thus creating wino-athletes or... wine jocks. 

Apparently, varsity athletes at these two prestigious British schools earn the privilege of wearing "colors" (or "colours" to you Brits) which means they are allowed to wear a kind of varsity jacket.  In jolly old England, this varsity jacket is more of a varsity blazer much like the green jacket worn by the winner of the PGA Masters Tournament except that it's blue.  If you are an athlete in a major sport, you can earn a "full blue".  If you are an athlete in a lesser sport, you can earn a "half blue".  (At Oxford, the half-blue jacket is simply a blue and white striped blazer.)  In this case, the wine jocks want to earn a half blue for competing in wine tastings.  Those nerdy Brits are such a laughable lot.

This whole wine athlete thing raises several important questions:

1. What about the beer athletes?  And the scotch athletes?  Don't they deserve half-blue status, too?

2. Is there an amateur standing among wine jocks?  Can you turn pro?  We need to know this as WinoBob may want to compete in the upcoming winolympics.

3. Do you have to actually wear a jock to be a wine jock?  If so, we are about to release the uber-trendy blue and white striped WinoStuff jock!

4. Is it true that British chicks really dig wine athletes?

5. Do you think Limey Dork Hugh Johnson prances around in his speedo and his Oxford half blue blazer, admonishing the US as imperial hegemons?  (I only bring this up in order to fire up Photoshop to bring you the unimaginable photo of Hugh Johnson in a half blue jacket and speedo...  Ewww...!!!)

File photo of Limey Dork Hugh Johnson showing that he can
still fit into his Oxford Half Blue Blazer and his varsity Speedo...

Thus far, both universities have shown the good sense to decline the request from the wine tasting team.

WinoJohn
March 11, 2007  

Mayhem in Wanaque, NJ

Tipped off to the high probability of an uninvited dinner "crasher", the charming and dapper winemaker, Pietro Ratti, took control of what could have been a messy situation.  Other winemakers and wine industry professionals can learn from Pietro's obvious preparedness.  The situation unfolded something like this...

Last week, BigBob Ferdon of Dreyfus Ashby fame was hosting a winemaker's dinner at Berta's Chateau in Wanaque, NJ.  On the day of the event, I informed BigBob that WinoBob was thinking about "making an appearance" at the dinner (code words for "WinoBob is drunk again and is on his way up to Berta's to ruin your dinner plans").  BigBob, a veteran of many ugly WinoBob wine dinner fiascos, tipped off Berta's security detail, as well as the evening's guest winemaker, Pietro Ratti, that an inebriated stick figure named WinoBob, who has been known to sneak into these types of events and wreak havoc with the celebrity guests, may stop by.  WinoBob's rap sheet and his tales of destruction are legendary in the tri-state area.

This time, however, WinoBob had a different plan.  This time, he thought that if he could pass himself off as Pietro's twin brother, he would enjoy an evening of mass wine consumption uninhibited by the looming security guards or the long arm of the Passaic county law.  But it wasn't to be...

The ever-alert Pietro spotted WinoBob at the Barolo table, polishing off the last two bottles in the case.  With a cat-like pounce, Pietro was onto WinoBob like barnyard stink on Burgundy.  In no time at all, Pietro choked the bejeezus out of WinoBob, salvaging a very pleasant evening for all the other "invited" guests.

The very debonair winemaker Pietro Ratti, who looks nothing like the pale white stick figure, WinoBob, takes care of some "business..."

Once again, our apologies go out to BigBob, Berta's Chateau, Pietro Ratti, the Passaic County Sheriff's office, and the Wanaque EMT squad (who have made a career out of reviving and treating WinoBob). 

WinoJohn
March 17, 2007

Wino of the Week!

Yes, once again, the newswires bring to our attention the actions of an individual that obviously enjoys his alcohol.  We don't get this kind of news every week so it is a special occasion when we hear of a qualifying incident.  This week, the prestigious Wino of the Week award goes to a guy named Michael Mankamyer from Orlando, Florida.  And just what did Mike Mank do to earn this coveted award?  Check this out...  It seems that Mike got drunk a few weeks ago (a clear prerequisite to earning WotW honors) and jumped off the deck of a cruise ship.  At night.  In the middle of the Ocean!!!  Way to go, Mike!!!

It is not yet clear why the Mankster jumped.  It could be that he was unhappy about his 300 pound girth.  Maybe he was just tired of people laughing at his name (I would call him Mankamyer the Wankamyer, but that's just me...).  I'm pretty sure that mass quantities of alcohol entered into his decision to belly flop over the side.  All things considered, this was a truly winoistic act and Mike should be honored for it.

As for Mike, he survived the splash down into the 70 degree waters of the Atlantic Ocean and he drifted for 8 hours until a coast guard cutter spotted him 20 miles away.  They dispatched a helicopter and the MankMan was pulled to safety.   Unnamed sources speculated that the Mankmeister survived the cold waters due to the insulating effects of his voluminous body fat.  This feature probably also kept him afloat. 

So there you have it.  Another courageous wino putting all on the line in the quest for the perfect buzz. Congratulations, Mank, you are the WinoStuff.com Wino of the Week!!!

WinoJohn
April 4, 2007

More Chinese Wackiness

Here's another story from  the 'What the Hell is Going on Over There in Asia' file... 

We reported a while back about the whole fish wine thing.  Then there was the chicken wine horror.  Now, it appears that our friends in Asia are enjoying another vinous delicacy...  Tiger wine.  That's right, tiger wine.  As in made out of tiger.  OK, now repeat after me, "What the hell is going on over there in Asia?"

For those of us who have never enjoyed tiger wine, my research reveals that it is made by steeping a tiger carcass in rice wine.  Mmmmmm.....   It makes my mouth water just thinking about it...   Those who drink tiger wine believe it makes them strong.

The BBC News reports that Chinese delegates at the International Tiger Symposium in Nepal are arguing for the lifting of laws which ban the trade of tiger bones and skins.  After all, tiger carcass is a key ingredient in the making of tiger wine!  Some other (non-tiger wine drinking) countries want the ban to remain in effect.   I, for one, didn't even know there was such a law.  Nor did I realize that tiger wine was so popular.  I have been to China a dozen times and not once did any of my hosts ever offer me any tiger wine.  Not ONCE!!!  Now I feel insulted...

Some Asian nations with threatened tiger populations want the ban to stay in effect.   They feel that tiger wine production is one reason for declining numbers of tigers in the wild.  Furthermore, a number of tiger farms have been developed in China with the ostensible purpose of entertaining visitors.  In reality, according to the World Wildlife Foundation, these farms are merely fronts, having bred thousands of tigers for the production of tiger wine. 

This disturbing story raises several important questions:

1. What food do you pair with tiger wine?  Chinese food?  (Just a guess...)

2. If they ban the trade of tiger bones and skins, where does a guy go to get a good glass of tiger?

3. What about deer wine?  Have they tried to make wine out of deer?  If anyone wants to make some nice deer wine, I've got the ingredients for thousands of cases of deer wine right in my back yard.

4. Is there some predisposition against GRAPES in Asia? 

5. What's next?  If they are successful in stopping the production of tiger wine, what's next?  Will they be removing dog from the menus?  Will cat no longer be a staple in Chinese restaurants?  This is serious! 

These questions need to be answered before we throw the immense political influence of WinoStuff.com into the fight.  Stay tuned...

WinoJohn
April 21, 2007 

Paris in Prison.  That's HOT!

You could call her our Celebrity Train Wreck of the Week but that would only give a bad name to Celebrity Train Wrecks.  This past week, the lovely and talented Paris Hilton, was sentenced to 45 days in prison.  With 2200 other women.  And no men.  Just women.  That's HOT!!!

You will remember back in September, Ms. Hilton was busted for drunken driving out in Hollywood.  Her license was suspended at the time and she was sentenced to probation.  She was also ordered to attend an alcohol-education program.  Confident that she knew enough about alcohol and believing that the law doesn't apply to rich little white girls, she was subsequently arrested twice for driving with a suspended license.  Most recently, her defense was the nearly indisputable, "I didn't know my license was suspended..."   The judge, who obviously saw through this ingenious ploy, surely believed that Paris was simply too stupid to remain unincarcerated.  (I tend to agree...)  He revoked her probation and sentenced her to 45 days in the slammer.

Fortunately for all of us healthy, red-blooded male winos, Paris likes to...  uhhh...  make movies.  I can't wait to see this new release...

See Paris Hilton in the modern remake of this 1950s classic...

Now if we could only get Britney thrown in jail...

WinoJohn
May 5, 2007

Attack of the Killer Frogs!

We have reported several times in the past about the whacky actions of the radical group of French winemakers that go by the name CRAV.  Well, the CRAVers are in the news again.  This time, they have issued an ultimatum to the new, pro-American French premier, Nicolas Sarkozy.  The band of Frog ne'er-do-wells has threatened "action" if the new premier does not help the floundering French wine industry.  Action, damn-it!  Did you hear that?  They are threatening ACTION!!!  (Apparently, action is very unFrench which could be why the entire French wine industry is in the crapper to begin with.) 

This time, however, CRAV intimated that 'action' could include death.  (I'm guessing that 'action' could also include surrender, but that's just a guess...)    Remembering the 1907 winemakers' revolt in Montpelleir in which several unsuspecting frogs lost their lives, the CRAV has called on all French winemakers to join the fight.  "If Sarkozy does not support the interests of the wine industry, he will be entirely responsible for what happens," said a CRAV spokesman. "We are at the point of no return."

File photo of French soldier preparing for "action"

Let's hope that cooler heads prevail.  If this Sarkozy guy really is pro-American, we at WinoStuff may have to call for a massive "Drink French" rally.  That alone should be enough to combat the glut of French wine and bring the entire industry back to profitability.  Stay tuned...

WinoJohn
May 20, 2007   

America Remembers...

As we enter this long holiday weekend, let us remember those brave Americans who made the ultimate sacrifice so that we can enjoy all those freedoms that we have today.  We also honor those men and women who continue to protect us both home and abroad.  God bless America.

This weekend, as you are charring some animal flesh in the back yard, enjoy a nice American wine and please BE CAREFUL!!!

WinoBob grilling up some burgers on Memorial Day 2007

WinoJohn
May 26, 2007 

The Great One Launches Wine Line... eh?

Joining a long list of athletes and celebrities, the greatest hockey player of all time has thrown his skates into the vineyard.  Yes, winos, Wayne Gretzky announced that he has partnered with a Niagara winemaker in releasing Wayne Gretzky Estate Wines.  I don't know about you, but I can't wait to taste some Gretzky, eh?

The all-time leading scorer in NHL history is lending not only his name to the new line of wines but also his number!  Each bottle of Gretzky Estate Wine will also bear the number 99 (just in case you don't remember who Wayne Gretzky is...)

The Gretzky lineup will initially consist of a 2005 meritage (Cabernet Franc with 20 per cent Cabernet Sauvignon and 15 per cent Merlot), a 2007 chardonnay and a 2005 vidal icewine.  The Gretzky wines will be made by Creekside Estate Winery's winemakers Craig McDonald and Rob Power. They are priced at $17 for the red, $14 for white and $45 for the icewine.

The announcement was made at Gretzky's Toronto restaurant which is coincidentally named Gretzky's.  At the press conference, Gretzky revealed that "Janet and I have for many years wanted to fulfill a dream of launching a winery that makes world-class wines.  We are fortunate to have found talented winemakers who have already won numerous international and domestic wine awards."  (Alert winos will recall that Gretzky is also fortunate enough to have married former Playboy model, Janet Jones.) 

The Great One and his wife, The Totally Hot One, display the label design
for the new Wayne Gretzky Estate Wines

Yeah...  I gotta get me some Gretzky...

WinoJohn
June 24, 2007

Wine Saves Lives !!!

Here's some good news...  Wine may have saved a few lives down in Washington, DC.  And no, I'm not talking about WinoWally saving me from certain disaster on the highways.  I'm talking about a crisis averted.  Check it out...

According to the Associated Press, police in DC are baffled by an attempted robbery that began when the perp (that's TV-speak for "perpetrator") slipped into the home of an unsuspecting family having dinner and put a gun to the head of a 14 year old girl.  He demanded cash and threatened to shoot the young lass.  When the homeowner offered the assailant a glass of wine, the perp dropped his gun and joined the family for a little wine and cheese.  The whole event ended with a group hug.  I'm not making this up...  You can't make this shit up.

The wine is reported to have been French, specifically Château Malescot St-Exupéry, a third growth Margaux.  (No word on the vintage!)  The would-be robber was apparently a Francophile as he also enjoyed a bit of Camembert with his vino.

Now, I gotta admit, if I'm sitting around the dinner table with the wife and kids and some dude breaks into my house and points a gun at one of my little princesses, demanding cash, I'm not sure I would suggest that he have a glass of wine.  I would be more inclined to say something like, "Please don't shoot!" or, "My wife has all the cash!"  I certainly wouldn't offer up any wine, especially if it was good wine!  After all, there's no guarantee that he wouldn't drink all the wine and then start firing away.  That would be just wrong.

So, kudos to the homeowner who managed to not get shot.  Hopefully, the police have a good description of the suspect.

Artist's rendition of the France-loving robbery suspect...